Advice on how to deal with live-in mother?

To All of you who have welcomed me into the group, thank you.

We are all so frustrated with our assorted situations. We aren't necessarily the "good ones" but we are the strong ones.

Help,

I had a posting ready to submit and when I pushed the button all that went is what you see. Anyone else have problems?

Dear Judy,

I know about the sex thing. My mother told me this weekend "what is everyone going to think of you that you let you daughter move in with her boyfriend". She said "i would not have let you do that".

I told her that my daughter will be 21 in just a couple of months. She is an adult, no matter how much sense she has, and she will do as she pleases. Unlike me who did as her mother pleased. I want my kids to be who they want to be and not to be pleasing everyone else. Of course, I want them to have good morals and be kind to people, but she does not understand that once you have raised them, they can go out on their own.

It really made me mad that she considers me a bad mother, because my daughter chooses to live with her boyfriend. If I had it to do all over again, I would have to try living with someone, before marrying them. My husband is a good man, but we have many differences that I still have problems with (drinking).

Maggiesue do you wonder when this every will end. I just want to be told I will survive this to have a life, don't you?

Love to all my favorite girls

Marylynne

Ladies, I care about each and everyone if you and I am sad to see Donna and Marylynne so frustrated. Why does everyone act like we have no rights? No rights to speak our mind, no rights to our family, a husband or time to ourselves. Just because they are our elders, gives our rights away.
My mother started talking about all the crap that is on TV and then started in on morals, then sex. We never talked about that stuff when we were young, this I know because she never talked to me about it either. She hates the word sex never the less the act.
I told her she's married so nothing on TV or elsewhere affects her. Well its the young ppl she said. I again told her it doesn't affect her. I refuse to have the dicussion with her, if FIRE could shoot from every hole in her body it would if you talk about SEX. I am open with my sons about sex and they have had many classes in school not like I had.
Smile and have a better day, Judy

omg maggie i know exactly what you are talking about. My mother is so much the same. Only at family gatherings, she acts like an angel, makes every one think what a sweet little old lady she is, except when we get home she acts like an old witch. and she constantly is telling me something and forgetting midstream what she is talking about, and so, then she gets mad at me because i dont know what we are talking about either. there are a lot of days when i feel out of touch too. and all of us are wanting relief from our current circumstances, and at this point, i am thinking maybe we should look at ourselves and see that we are the ones who made the choice to be "good daughters" and take care of them, so, we are also the only ones who can change this, and daily i think of ways to get her admitted to a nursing home, but i cannot take her there myself, she would fight me for every thing in her. Just know that we all sympathize and know what you have going on. luv, Donna

We had my mother's 90th birthday party yesterday with lavish gifts and decorations. As I looked around the table, I noticed everyone was on anti-depressants and/or anti-anxiety medications. Everyone, that is, except my mother.

We got thru the day just fine because we were like a bunch of robots. My Mother started threatening my son at one point. No one said anything and she forgot what she was saying and piped down.

Today, I feel strange and out of touch with reality. I've been there lots of times with family gatherings. I wish we didn't have to do them. But Mother would become unmanagable if we didn't.

I want to be relieved of this burden.

Dear Cindi,

She is so like my mother is it scary. That is why they do not get along. She left today to go live with boyfriend. I told her I wouldn't have read her diary, why would she read mine.

She is trying to make me feel like I didn't do my job with her when I know I did. She is not a nice person. I love her because she is my child, but I do not like her as a person.

Thank you for your feedback, I appreciate it. Can't sleep since all of this. Just another guilt trip, laid on by yet another family member.

Love,
marylynne

Marylynne,

don't think it is fair for daughter to tell you to choose between her and your mother and father. She knows your hot button and is pressing it. It wasn't right of her to read your posting and then turn it on you. This is a sacred place for you and now she has ruined it. I'm sorry but she is being a brat it seems. The last thing you need it this. As your daughter who loves you, she should be more loving and less selfish. She is old enough to understand. I feel bad and sad for you Marylynne. Her use of guilt and manipulation is not right.

I hope she will stop it and be more understanding.

Cindi

Sorry, Minion. You are in a bad predicament. I feel sad. Sad for us as caregivers and daughters/sons who are suffering with so many emotions and hardships in taking care of our parents. Sad for our parents who have little life and almost no options. Sad that they are so unhappy, and that we are so unhappy and how we all both parents and adult children have such a hard time. None of us enjoy this. We all can barely tolerate it. Why, why is it like this?
I agree with decor/Judy that your mother's health issues will land her in a nursing home soon. I don't understand why life is so painful like this. What are we to do?

Lord have mercy on us all
Cindi

Dear Donna,

As much as your day was horrible when you got locked out, It sounded so familiar to me. Especially the lecture you gave your mom and the way it will only help for a few fleeting days. Enjoy it.

My day, the same day, was very similar. My 20 year old daughter went with me and my mom to pick light fixtures out for the new addition. My daughter had a knock down drag out fight with my mother, revealing all of my innermost thoughts, which she got from this website. She found me on it one night and when I x-ed out of it, she caught the name of the website and logged on to it and read all of my postings. I told her that this was like my diary and she had no right to read it. She therefore used it against me to cause trouble with my mom. She didn't mention the website, just told my mom that I didn't have enough balls to tell her that she is a pain in the ass and a bunch of other stuff.

Of course, I told her, please do not cause trouble for me, I can't handle playing peacekeeper to everyone. She demanded that I choose between my mother and her. My daughter is like the bad seed. I love her to death, but do not agree with anything she does or thinks. I told her I loved her and she would be making a life of her own, but my mom I will have to take care of indefinitely in the same house, so stay out of it and I will never choose.

I cried all night. We should not be in these positions, that our parents put us in. I have been taking care of my parents, since my bad seed was born. She was always hard to deal with, but maybe because I had my attentions focused on her and my parents. What do we do when we have to divide our attentions. Should we be blamed for how our kids feel. I just thought I was doing the right thing and balancing everything quite nicely. I guess I was wrong.

I feel like I am the cause of everyones misery and don't know what to do. I feel hopeless since friday. Friday was my bad day too. Have not recuperated since.

Love to all of you,

Marylynne

welcome minion to our little corner of the world. where underpaid overworked daughters, and in a few cases, sons, take care of mean and ungrateful old parents. every day of the world i wonder why she is still alive? why? she is no good to anyone and just a lot of trouble and meanness to me.. i dont feel sorry for myself, that is just the bitter truth. I am still angry over the ordeal on friday. I feel so angry that i can barely look at her without yelling at her and telling her how much i despise her, so sorry, i am a bitch, cant help it. sorry for you too, and for all of us who have so much put upon us with so little appreciation from anyone. i have no siblings to go to, so it is just me, and i am too old to mess with this old witch. donna

miinion, Hope you will find some peace here. We all seem to have the mothers that are bitter and we all wish things were different.
My parents both wish they would die, that is easy to say but I know they are scared of even getting sick.
They don't understand why we feel this way wanting to have a normal life. Don't feel guilty you are doing only what you know that is the best for her, we all are.
Sounds like her health issues are eventually going to land her in a nursing home. you are brave to handle her illnesses.

Dear Minion,

I cried when I read your posting. Your mother is much like the rest of our mothers. It seems the fathers in all of our cases were the good ones.

I don't blame you for resenting and I have wished worse on my parents than you would ever know.

How do little children get ill and die and these people who are just existing to make others lives miserable keep going. I know God says there is a purpose for everything and I was wishing my parents would have found theres. But they didn't.

I hope that you will enjoy venting on this website. It has sure gotten me through many of bad days.

Love,
marylynne

Being my first post, I will give some background. Venting, I suppose, will help me. My mother and step-father had a very strange relationship for almost 40 years. She directed and he followed without much discussion. Mom doesn't see or remember it that way. She has a tongue that can cut without warning and an attitude that says she has always been this way so why should now be any different. Dad was the sweetest man on the planet and no one realized how bad things were for him until he was diagnosed with brain cancer. My sister and I had to step in to help with our mother's care. What an eye-opening experience for both of us. We knew Mom was awful but who knew just how awful.

Mom has had 9 back surgeries in the last 10 years. These have left her with very limited mobility. She has had her right shoulder joint removed because of a series of staff infections. In addition and as a result of the pain, she was a methadone(presciption) and percoset addict for a few years. She, Joan, has high bp, copd, conjestive heart failure, atrial fib, bad hearing which hearing aids don't help much, and a toy poodle named Gidget, her baby. She was a gardening maniac when she was younger and she has joined every old bitty club she could find that would allow her to feel superior: Daughters of the American Revolution, United Daughters of the Confederacy, Southern Dames of America, The Magna Carta. I mean no disrespect to anyone reading this posting and respect the clubs and what they represent but not when they are joined to put another notch in a belt. Dad was her taxi to all events and waited on her hand and foot. He was devoted to her and her every whim. They were the only ones alive for each other. Whatever made Mom happy made Dad happy. I miss him so much. She does too.

Daddy died almost three years ago from brain cancer. We kept him at home throughout all of it. He only lasted 6 months really once we got the diagnosis. Hospice was wonderful. Mom doesn't remember any of Daddy being sick. She does remeber the day that he died. He didn't want a funeral so we sprinkled his ashes in Ceder Key of the west coast of Florida where he loved to fish when he could.

Mom stayed with me for few months with a caregiver during the day and me at night. The situation almost gave me a nervous breakdown so when she went into rehab for the next go round I couldn't bring myself to bring her home again. She spent 14 months in an assisted living facility until most of her money was exhausted. Now she lives at my house. 911 knows the way to my house and the ER nurses recognize us when we come in. My mom should have stock in that hospital. We had two rooms and a bath set up for her with all of the best intentions for a happy, ok tolerable, coexistence. Not happenin'.

Mom can't do very much for herself. Before I go to work, I have to think through her day much like you would with a two year old going to daycare: drinks, breakfast, newspaper, coffee in a thermos, lunch, snack, let the dog out. She answers the phone and forgets messages, spills food and drinks on the carpet, feeds her dog all the things she shouldn't have, and swears the whole time that she didn't do it whatever it is. She wants to help me but can't and doesn't understand why she is so much trouble. "Your father never acted like you do." She is bladder incontinent and has developed an aversion to bathing. She keeps saying it would be easier if she just died. She basically exists. I wouldn't call her life living.

I resent having to take care of her. I resent the fact that there is no where else she can go without the guilt eating me up. I resent having to take care of a bitchy 77 year old invalid who should have died numerous time but outlived my daddy. I hate feeling like this all of the time. I have tried to accept the situation and I have put myself back into therapy and jointed a gym but I still have to come home at night. I want my life back.

Donna, they are like children you scold them and they are good for two weeks then back to the same old stuff. Seems like my Dad is the one now who is having the pity party. No one pays attention to me, I said what more do you want. He said you don't have to do much for me, I went down a list of things I do for him. He doesn't realize all that is done.
Same thing for her she doesn't really have to lift a finger here, except to do her laundry and clean her room. Don't you hate the snide remarks?
My husband and I finally get to go out tonight, we have our bowling banquet, dinner and dancing, really looking forward to it, have a few drinks and I love to dance. I will probably have to put something in the crockpot so they will have some dinner.
oxoxoxo Judy

OMG dear ladies, yesterday was the most horrible of all days. I left to go to the bank to deposit my checks which came a bit early, as the first falls on sunday. I did not ask my mom to go, just told her i would be back in a few minutes. I went straight to the bank, then got gas and came right back, less than 30 minutes in all. When i returned, she had me locked out of the house and was sound asleep. she locked the storm doors from the inside, so i could not get in with my key. It was hot, and i was infuriated. i rang the door bell, and knocked, to no avail. finally, was able to get in thru the garage door. by this time i was even madder and hotter. when i came in, she came out of the bedroom, and i said, probably in a nasty tone, why did you lock me out of the house? that wasnt very nice. Then the fuss began. she told me that i went all the time and she just had to sit here in this house while i was out running around.( lots of fun putting in gas and going thru the drivethru at the bank) then she said that she knew i was spending her money. (sometimes i do) And i had what i wanted, i had this house in my name,(i bought it, and make payments on it). And she had nothing. I blew up. I said, you can go to a nursing home if you dont like the way i do things around here. and, then i proceeded to tell her what she had said to my nephew and why he had not been around, because she had told my aunt that my nephew would not come down here because of me. I told her that i did everything for her, waited on her hand and foot, and that was the thanks i get from her. That i am tired of putting my life on hold for her. then, she got mad and went outside and sat under a tree in a lawn chair and stayed out there around two hours. I made no move toward getting her back in the house. I just sat here and seethed, as is normal. When she came back in, she said, well, can i come in YOUR house? I said dont start it or you will be in a nursing home tonight. she came on in and sat down in her chair. I told her that i would not have her controlling me anymore and that she had better watch her step, because i had had it with her, and would not take any more verbal abuse from her, no matter what. At that point, i went to my bedroom and closed the door. an hour or so later, she came to my room, and actually knocked on my door, and said, I love you, and i am sorry i am such a burden to u.(GUILT TRIP) I said, well, i love you too, but, even so, i am not putting up with this garbage any more.
This morning she has been calm as can be and very nice to me.....waiting for the next episode. luv donna

made it through the day...had to cook too. Mom does cook sometimes, occasionally. Only if she wants to. Beginning to hate cooking sometimes...and I actually like cooking. Just don't like it that I have to cook every day or have something here brought in..etc..if was just husband and me life would be so very different..thinking today about lost freedom...oh well.

waiting for husband to get back from walking dad and dog. Then dinner..after that I am free for the night..hmmm.

Have a good evening everyone
Cindi

Wow I had the lord shine upon me last night, my mother actually came to me in the kitchen and gave me a hug out of nowhere. She said she knows its hard for me and she appreciates what I do. Did I hear her right, was I dreaming???
I told her that I will support her decisions, but i can't make them for her.
She got hot yesterday because the neighbor asked about her van. She told me she would sell it if she knew what to ask. So we pulled up kelly blue book value and she said its just going to sit there. I said we don't want you to lose money on it she got even hotter. So she must have felt bad later, weird.
Donna my mom is bored too, like it would be different anywhere else NOT! She thinks moving someplace else would be different, she would just sit in that house and nothing would be different. I think she needs a glass house so ppl know she's here.hahaha
Dinner, i dread it i get no help, I'm lucky if she sets the table. If she has to cook its a frozen meal.
take care today, Judy

Hey, Donna and Marylynne Wait for Me!!!!!! I wanna go too!
Yeah, I hear you Donna. I am down because my weight went back up again. Another surgery. Wish they could nip and tuck me everywhere!...LOL...Glad you are going down the street to visit your girlfriend. I am in my room now keeping away. Not in the mood. Drove by the beach early this am..but someone turned on their radio next to me in the parking lot and broke my harmony. I go there and park for a bit and watch the ocean...it calms me. So much for calm today!!!

ARgggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh.....Let's all scream and yell..get it out~

Cindi

good morning ladies, Marylynne and tennis, i have experienced the cooking thing with my mom, but she usually backs off, as i am a better cook than she, and she knows it. she constantly stands in my way while i am trying to cook though, which drives me bananas. have to walk around her to get to the sink that is 2 ft away. and the thermostat? hahhahahaha. i have a window a/c in my room, and i come in here and shut the door and turn it on when i just cant take the heat any longer. yesterday was hot, but she said it was cold to her. when i do come to my room, she is always coming and opening the door and asking me what i am hiding. all in the world she thinks about is trying to find some where for me to take her. she is bored. she is lonely. big deal. it is her fault. only people she ever cared about were her sisters and my brother and they are all gone now, so there is no one to come and see her and no one for her to go and see. this is the result of shunning the idea of close friends.. and she hates it that i have friends. actually hates everything except going for rides in the car to places we dont need to go, especially cemeteries. I hate going, but every other day she is wanting to go. i told her yesterday that gas is just too high for us to drive around aimlessly. She said, well, it isnt too high when you want to go someplace. always makes me out to be the bad guy. I am becoming more and more convinced that i am. well, just for kicks, i am going to take out the trash and walk down the street to see my best friend, and i am not telling her i am going. that way, i will only have to face her wrath when i return, rather than when i leave and again when i return. cindi, i am worried about your health. do the surgery thing. do it for you. do it for your hubby. do it for your kids. let the old ones fend for themselves for a while, they may have to hire more sitters, but you need to take care of yourself, or, you wont be there to take care of them. brutally cold facts. dont be afraid, you will be fine, and yes recovery takes a while, but, you are worth it. ok, marylynne, lets all run away to bumfriggin egypt. i will pick you up and we can leave next week. luvya all, donna

Hi Everyone
Busy day and all I want is stay home and lie down. Body doesn't feel great today. Haircut/color appt with new place, trying it to cut costs. Then taking parents around to hospital/medical records, then down to Hueneme 30 minutes away to buy some wild copper salmon (mother made arrangements with butcher yesterday, she says they only have it one time during the year), pet store for bird seeds, then to Cypress (her old senior residence) to watch the entertainment and visit some of her friend/aquaintances. Come home and cook that will be my day. Cancelled curves with girlfriend because I don't feel great and tired. Talk to you later...gonna take a drive for myself..

Hugs
Cindi

Dear Tennis,

Your story reminded me of a cooking story. My mom wanted to cook cabbage one day and usually she don't feel well enough to cook. Well I offered to cook it for her as long as she told me how. She got mad and told me the only reason i don't want her to cook is because she might mess up something. I wanted to say yes so badly, but I turned it around on her. I told her, you see, I just offered to do something for you out of the goodness of my heart and this is what I get.

She tried to kiss me and I told her don't try and make up now. The thermostat thing is a constant at my house. We live in Louisiana and its hot. The thermostat would stay on 80 if she had her way. My whole house sweats because of them. If she is hot than it needs to be cool, if she is cool, it needs to be hot.

When she moves in the addition, she can keep it on 80. She gets ice cubes day and night. The sound of the ice maker drives me crazy.

If my husband and I are talking, she says what? what did ya'll say? My husband tells her He is not talking to her. She hates him.

I don't feel that I have it as hard as some of you. I guess I feel guilty even complaining about some of this stuff. Had to laugh about the thermostat. If anything happens at our house it has nothing to do with her. She told me no one wants to watch TV with me because they can't hear it. Not that she needs a hearing aid. We have to turn the TV up to hear it over hers upstairs. Today, she's telling me how to fix the dinner I was planning. I didn't want to fix it the way she wanted me to. If I say anything I'm scared of being snippy.

Thanks again to all of you!!! You have made a real difference in my life already having someone to comiserate with. I get little smiles and chuckles from some of your stories and can only nod my head in agreement with others. The truth is we HAVE TO FIND TIME FOR OURSELVES. I have taken to staying up late playing Resident Evil 4. It is a real stress releaver being able to kill a bunch of zombie like people. I also take long soaking bathes and read mindless romance novels. I pray that you all are able to find that little bit of time to yourselves. I too have a fuzzy friend that helps. 1 poodle and 1 cockapoo. If only we could get the poodle to stop barking all the time. She sleeps on my bed an barks when my 8 year old comes in after a bad dream. Freaking me and my husband out deep sleep. We started using a spray bottle on her last night. I hope that helps.

Mom slipped and fell in the tub this weekend. Didn't get hurt to badly though, thank goodness. I took everything her and I had to get her up though. My poor husband waited in the hall to see if he was going to have to come into see my wet naked mother in the tub and help her get out. I got her up, dried off, and put to bed. Then he came in to see how she was doing.

My Mom is coming to some realizations about her limitations..... They don't usually last more than a few days. I hope they stick this time.

cathy, glad to hear from you. Yes, they do that when they want you to find a place for rehab. They did it to me for my Dad less then 24 hours notice and if a bed is available they expect you to grab it. Mom and i drove to 2 places and decided between them. Not much time to check conditions etc. sorry this is happening to you, count to 10 you'll be alright. Judy

Hi everyone, My FRIENDS,
I'm here. This is the first time I have had to sit down and type in a few days. It has been a rough week. They moved dad out of ccu early this morning. They still are unable to control his heart rate and blood pressure. Lowest bold pressure today 60/49. What the hell? They moved him anyway. The case worker called me about moving him to a nursing home for rehab. She said one place had a bed for him today. I actually asked her if she was crazy!!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE? My patients for stupidity is GONE! And others wonder why we freak out about others caring for our loved ones. I am really in the mood to throw a temper tantrum. Get it all out. Stomp my feet, yell, cry. Then maybe someone will wizen up! I need to stay away from them.

Sorry had to let it out.

I am so sorry Marylynne. I want you to find something to make you smile today. That alone would make the day worth it. Let your kids make you laugh. I will pray for you. Imagine me actually throwing a tantrum.

Cindi,
As my son would say, "you rock"
You are a good frined and are very supportive. Not everyone can do what we do. If complaining here get you through another day than so be it! I'm with you. We all need a place to go to let things out.

Donna,
Keep going! don't give up. We are here for you. We love you. You need rest. Close a door tell mom to BACK OFF! Laundry can all be pink, make wash day easier.(ha,ha) Dad is not allowed near washer or dryer. You are not being selfish, you are frustrated. YOU ARE ALLOWED!

Tennis,
Get snippy if you need to. It is ok to respect your parents as long as you get it back! It is when you don't get it that starts the trouble. Mom should not hold all the cards, let her know she dosen't have all the power.

Maggiesue,
My heart goes out to you. I will pray for you.

Love and best wishes,
Cathy

JUDY, LETS ALL RUN AWAY!!!!!!! I DON'T BLAME YOU FOR NOT WANTING TO LIVE WITH HER ANYMORE.

Marylynne

Girls, I know I hold resentment toward my mother. For not taking care of herself, for not being independent for just acting immature.
My neighbor came over and mom happened to be in the garage he approached her about the van she has sitting in the driveway for the past year. Did she want to sell it? I thought oh no WWIII she's going to go on and on all day. She said she wouldn't know what to ask for it when we went to the store. I told her kelly blue book. She said i would have to go to the dealer, I said no the computer can get there. She hates the computer, never tried it but she hates it. So I SUPPOSE I will have to do something for her again, always me.

tennis, I am always asked why are you in a bad mood? we are unable to show any emotion but happiness, for what I still am trying to figure out. You have a right to be snippy, our lives are different from the others in our lives and they don't understand that. We have to make difficult choices and then second guess ourselves because it concerns a loved one. So keep up whatever attitude you want you are an adult.

Take the vacations or your children will resent you for it in the future, we deserve it. Or it maybe a nice prison cell next.

I am going to do something I regret the woman is driving me insane, I called the drs office that I requested dad's records from this morning and they had mailed them in the 14th haven't gotten them yet, they said give it til Monday and if we still haven't gotten them they will issue them again. SHE JUST CALLED THEM AGAIN. DIDN"T SHE HEAR ME!!!!
I don't want to live with her anymore. Judy

Hi girlfriends and caregivers: Oh, Donna I feel for you Honey. There are days like that and it really sucks big time. When I get like that I need a break pronto. There are days that I mimic in my mind what she says, or how she feels or how she is going to act next. There are days when I feel like a slave and she is the queen and everything I do is for her with no appreciation or realization on her part of what I go through and what I do for her, how much it takes out of me. Please find a way to sneak some time in for yourself, somehow, someway. Staying up late is good but need sleep too. So hard to balance it out. I feel left out too. My friends kids are all grown and they get together and do things and I cannot many times. I got together the other day memorial weekend for 3 hours, hubby came too. Mom didn't want me to hire a caregiver so she stayed with dad. That was a biggie for her and a first. I think it was because she was acting so bad last week that is why she was more giving. But, even when I go I feel like it is on borrowed time, but better then nothing I suppose. Like you all said even when I go on my days away etc..I have to do so much in prepping things it is hard. It's like we aren't free to be...hey we aren'T...what a realization. But, we must find a balance somehow or continue working on one. We must take time for ourselves or we will crack up, break down etc. Even with the little breaks it is all way too much. And, yes maybe we have bad attitudes sometimes or even often times...maybe we are more like our Moms then we thought after all they were our models. Maybe we are complainers but too bad we are doing the best we can and at least we can come to a place and know we aren't being judged. We know you all can empathize and know or have a very good idea of how it feels. I love you all. You are wonderful women and men.
Marylynne, I also wonder if I will have any or much life left after my parents are gone or after I no longer can care for them..whichever comes first. I have never lived my life for me. I don't think I know how to. My health is not good it just is...so it is very much a fact that I could die before or at least shortly after them. I need to take better care of myself especially the excess weight but I am an emotional eater....need I say more?.... My husband and daughter want me to get a gastric bypass. Husband feels I cannot lose the weight on my own with the stressors I have and how I am emotionally. He is probably right. AT least 3 doctors said my diabetes would be so much better if I had the surgery. I am scared to have it. Plus how the heck am I going to take care of myself and parents postop. There is alot to adjust to and do once you have the surgery. My girlfriend had it. She couldn't eat for a few months..had to crush her meds etc. What time and energy do I have for that? But, it is apparent that soon I will have to do something drastic. Marylynne, I think the phase you are getting to next is indifference. It's where you don't care anymore about anything you just go on robotic behavior and exist. I feel for you. I feel for all of us. It makes me sad. It hurts my heart. We all have our battles in life. We all know what ours are...caring for our parents.
Tennis, you are doing your best. Snippy or not. You don't want to be snippy. Tell your mom you are doing your best (and of course do it)...if you get snippy sometime you are sorry...but like you said...offer her to live with another sibling if your personalities aren't working. Also, there are senior residences (which are costly my mom lived in one for 17 months). You know, girls there is no happy medium. All options offer choices negative and positive. Parents need to choose and then learn to adjust and cope. It is sad for our parents and for us, no doubt. We chose to take care of our parents and we continue to choose it, and we all know the secret hell that comes with it. Here we can let loose, let down our hair and tell it like it is...or at least tell it like we are feeling it. And, yes maybe we are negative, maybe we need an attitude adjustment now and then...so what if we do we are doing the best we can for people who deserve the best we can give...our parents. We are loving and caring for people who often times by their behavior and treatment of us do not deserve our care, and that is the hardest thing of all.
But, they need us...girls. What are we to do....and how far do we take it before we need help.
Nickey, you are doing your best....if siblings won't help then only are left. Up to you to choose taking care of your mom or having someplace else take care of her. This is a hard path and it isn't for sissies. Your mom is lucky to have you. Good luck and come here if it helps you...it helps me.

Getting concerned about Cathy...how is she, how is dad...she must be going through hell right now..

Love to all of you and your parents...
Cindi

today, i thought i was going to get to go to the store alone, but, wait, someone else wants to go ohh my mom wants to tag along. she has a walker, and an attitude, but, old donna is strong and will take care of all of it. yes, there are no handicapped spots left, well that is ok, i will park at the door and help you get out of the car and get the blasted walker out, and then iw ill find a parking place and walk about 6 blocks to get back to the store, in time to learn that you have totally dissappeared. dangit. now i know that walker squeaks, why cant i hear it now? Omg. another day and finally it is over with. She is in bed. i stay up late, because it is my only time for myself, even though most days i feel like a zombie from lack of sleep. No one knows what we all go thru with. I feel like i am on a 10 year pity party, and no one is there but me. Maybe that is the answer. maybe i should open my eyes and see that no one cares, and that my attitude needs an adjustment. Maybe tomorrow i will try to be nice. Maybe i can overlook the laundry all being thrown in the washer together, red shirts with whites, jeans with sheets, what the heck. at least they are clean. Maybe i wont feel like i am left out of life because i cant talk on phone or visit with my friends. maybe, maybe maybe. yep this is it, girls i have totally lost it. hope all of you are doing ok. and though i may seem selfish, i am glad that at least i am not the only one who feels the hatred and disgust. love, donna

Dear Maggiesue,

Believe it or not, I believe I was born for my mother's sanity. She had a nervous breakdown before I was born. She was a good mother, I can't take that away from her, but always very selfish.

She never let me live my own life. I guess because my dad took sick when I was 25. She couldn't drive, so I had to take over most things. I raised my children in hospitals and never went anywhere with my husband or children as a family. Always included them.

I am with you I just don't even care about vacations any more. I told my husband to take my little girl to Florida and let her have fun. I am just to miserable of a human being to bring any one joy at the moment. My husband, luckily, understands the situation now. For the last 20 years, he didn't. Gave me hell about taking care of my parents. Then his parents took ill at the same time. His Dad died and his mother has alzheimers. He understands now what I have been going through for 20 years. I told him he was just lucky that it just happened to him.

Since you have gone through the hate stage, does it ever go away. I am starting to feel numb. Just go along with whatever they say, even though I know they're wrong. Sounds like you are in my head right now.

Glad to talk to you. You made me feel better to know someone else feels the same way.

Love,
Marylynne