My mother has lived with us for 3 years now. She has her own apartment downstairs with a private entrance. She has severe hearing loss and hearing aids do not help much. She has a curvature in her spine, but was fine until she fell over 3 years ago and now does not trust her legs to hold her up. She has all but completely withdrawn from any interaction with the outside world. She will go to the grocery store weekly, but not much of anywhere else. My husband and I ask her continuously to go places with us, but she refuses. She uses her hearing as an excuse. She is afraid of everyone who comes to our house, and will leave the room if anyone comes over. She sets in the dark most times and does not talk to anyone except the dog. I'm an only child. I don't know what to do to help her. Should I try to contact her doctor and talk with them about how she chooses complete isolation?
Now I ask myself, what have I done?? They have been here for almost a year and a half, their health has greatly improved because of the meals I am fixing for them, the doctor's appointments I have taken them to and making sure they are taking the proper medication. We moved to a bedroom upstairs, gave them the master bedroom downstairs, and over the last year they have slowly taken over the whole downstairs. They don't like to watch the same television programs, so one watches it in their bedroom and the other comes out and watches it in the den. They have the TV on ALL DAY, usually on Fox. I never get to watch what I want, although usually I would just like the peace and quiet without it turned on. My mother-in-law is perfectly capable of doing her own laundry and fixing my father-in-law's lunch, but she sits around and waits for me to do it. I'm just tired of the constant errands, them asking for a coke or a trip to Walgreen's, the doctor's appointments, and them just BEING there all the time. I want everyone to go away and leave me alone. I feel as though I am a servant to the queen. She is very sweet, and never says a mean word, but I still just feel manipulated. I also have a lot of anger and resentment toward my husband because he won't talk to them about things - he doesn't want to make them feel bad but at the same time wants to make me happy - so he is caught in the middle. I pray about this constantly, but as the days go on I just seem to feel more resentful and frustrated. The stress just continues to grow. I want to laugh and have joy and just tell myself that this is for a time and a season, but my last child at home is a junior in high school, I am 50, and I want to have the next ten years to spend with my husband, NOT his parents. Right now they can be left alone at home, so I can get out for a few hours, so I worry about the time when I am tied down at home and can't leave them alone. It has been great reading all of your stories and knowing that there are other people out there that feel the way I do. Thanks. Lisa
Marylynne, I didnt handle losing my husband well at all. I grieved for months, and still do when i see particular things and especially when cooking things i know he loved. But, had to move on. Well, think i will go take a nap, since she is, and will be thinking of all of u. Donna
He gets alot of build up in his throat and like most of us that produce the two factors that thin out the mucus he doesn't. He so it just sits there he can't swallow it so he spits it out. The ear, nose and throat dr. recommended robatussion the liqiud regular cough one. It did help but he didn't like the taste.
Went shopping all day yesterday with my cousin, my son and his girlfriend. We went to an outlet mall two hours away. I'm glad I did I got the dress I had my eye on for a big discount and the skater shoes the boys like for 19.99 a pair. I love a bargain.
Waiting for the air guy to get here so we can be cool. Oxoxoxo Judy
Got yet another problem. Hubby had pains in his chest last week when he moved my daughter to another apartment. The next day he ran to the porch to grab a pair of shoes and got pains again. He is a jogger and a very hard worker and has lately taken a stress test. Got on the phone pronto Monday and got him an appt. Doctor is putting him in for an angiogram, even though stress test came out negative, on Monday morning.
I know this sounds terrible, but I got a notary friend of mine to make me up a general power of attorney and a special one that will allow me to sell the house I am in, in case he were to get ill and need bypass surgery.
I signed a purchase agreement with a lady to buy my house stipulating, I will be in it until end of July or whenever my parents addition is done. She calls yesterday and tells me she needs to be out of her house by July 2, could I possibly accommodate her. I told her if I could I would, but I don't think so.
My nerves are shot, say prayers for my husband, I don't want to lose him and put up with these old people by myself. I will jump off a bridge. How did you do it Donna, after you lost your husband? And Cindi, how does one have the strength to put up with people after such a great loss. Ya'll are fantastic people. My hats off to you both. I love you.
Marylynne
Maggiesue you are right about meeting her needs and not so much her wants. I get sidetracked too.
Complained doing the dishes tonight I really did not and am tired of cooking dinner. Told husband to go to store and buy a few things I forgot. He says what are you going to cook for dinner on Sunday, I said Why, you going to cook it? A little testy I am...He said yes,..huh as if..so I told him what I was cooking. He likes what I have been making lately and is getting ahead of himself...OH MY GOD, my dad is driving me Crazy!!!! He constantly clears his throat consecutively one after another that sound!!! I might just go to bed.
Dad had a crazy day today. He has/had a cyst on his chest next to his incission. It started to ooze. The doctors tried to deal with it with out too much fuss. Then it ruptered. They did not have time to give him pain meds. He was freaking out. He went for a c-scan. They found a great deal of fluid. The doctor used a needle to clean him out. They took a leiter of fluid out.Very LONG day. He is quiet now. I hope he can get some sleep. Me too!
Maggiesue,
Calgon is an old type of bubble-bath. An old commercial used to say calgon take me away.(a woman having a crazy day, then in the tub).You put a smile on my face after a long day. I do feel very old though.
Cindi,
I hope you have a great day on saturday!
Have a great weekend to everyone else.
Love, Cathy
Occasionally I will get blindsided by her craziness, but most of the time we have a very rigid, functional, but not expressive or affectionate relationship. As I said before I am robotic around her.
I get very tired trying to keep a lid on her because there is nothing she would like better than a good drama. I haven't the energy to cope with that kind of upset.
Who is Calgon? I only know it as water softener.
My Mother had a friend over yesterday from 3 to 8 pm. This lady is a cook at the senior residence where my mother lived for 17 months. She only has one car and her husband took it to work. My mother likes younger people. This woman is younger then me! She is nice enough though. She had dinner with us. This am my mother said to me...oh, Rita said that you are very nice. She then said, yeah she is nice but sometimes she is rude (rude meaning mean difficult). I said hah, I am nice almost all the time...in fact probably too nice. I can't be perfect, I have to be not nice sometimes. My Mother likes to down play compliments, but I also know she really thinks that of me. It makes me feel like really being mean and rude, give her something to really talk about. I told Mom, I can't help it that you don't like it when I tell the truth...(which is what I do..can be very candid and she hates that). Maybe I should have her move out to wherever she wants to go and quit taking her to the doctors and taking care of her needs...etc..then I could go to work make some money that we need for our retirement and our daughter's education and to live on...and then I can come and go as I please living the life of riley...the life that I am entitled to live now that my child is grown. Instead of having two parents living with and on me. One who is the Queen of Nothing who wants Everything and is Spoiled and Pampered but doesn't know it, or appreciate it. Only spoil and pamper her cause it is a requirement, you know. Otherwise the wild beast comes out. I am happy to say that lately I do more of what this Queen wants...(that's me) and less what the other Queen demands or wants. This makes me happy! It makes me feel like I am being Bad...even though I'm not...just setting the boundaries..
Calgon take me away....
Have a Wonderful weekend and don't let the biddies get you down!
Cindi
I get to see my grandbabies tomorrow away from the house. YEAH.
Took Dad to the podiatrist today to get his toe nails clipped. He has such gross toe nails. On his big toe the tip of his bone is showing, the Dr. said it really isn't as bad as it looks. It is disgusting. Now I have to clean and bandage like before.
Next week is the urologist.
Yes my van is back and fixed, thank goodness only a week without it.
I told you the nurse I spoke to said the mean old mother syndrome is very common Ha Ha.
My son is graduating high school on Sunday one down one to go.
OXOXO Judy
Thanks to everyone for all your encouraging words.
Cathy, sorry to hear about your dad's setback. Hoping he is on his way to healing and these are just little glitches like Marylynne had mentioned. You must be exhausted. Try to pace yourself and not overdo got to take care of yourself, son and husband too. Cathy, I'm sorry you didn't get to know your mother and that she is not here for you when you need her. At least we know our mothers. However, I must say that my mother has never been there for me in the way you stated. She has never really nurtured me emotionally. In fact, it is I her nurtures her. Frankly, I think that is messed up. It makes me feel emotionally void and empty almost as if I didn't and don't have my mother the way I need her to be for me. But, she did her best.
Marylynne hope you are doing good, you sound like things are status quo.
Donna, glad your family is sticking up for you perhaps your Mother will act better or something better will come out of all this.
Judy, you got your van back right? Happy for you that you decided to take vacation. I did use a personal nursing agency (medical assistants actually)...Altzheimer Association paid for a number of respite care hours for me and they used an agency. In fact the caregiver I have now is someone they sent me. I hire her outside the agency now. Always fun planning trips. Gives you something to look forward to esp when spirits are low.
Minion good luck at the dentist. I hate going anymore esp as I get older. You teaching and taking care of your mom is quite something. I admire your stamina and holding it all together. There is no way I could work outside the home and take care of my parents. Good luck with summer vacation. Hope you find some time for yourself as well as caregiving.
Maggiesue, I understand about people having to do your mother's bidding and not having own life my mother is exactly that way. Don't think my mother does it on purpose nor that she realizes exactly how bad it is. That doesn't make it any easier though. My Mother drains me of almost all my emotional and spiritual as well as physical energy. My dad almost is work but not like her.
If I missed anyone, I am sorry it was not intentional.
Take care of yourselves and God Bless us all...
Cindi
Love to you all...will write more later
gotta check on dinner
Cindi
As for a stroke,heart-attach or fall, certainly 911 would be called. If you are the DPA, you can ask the doctor to sign the DNR especially when the parent can't make their won decisions. My mother thought this through when she completed her affairs when her mother died. I am the heavy now with all of the decisions because I am the strong on who can handle it. Not like my sister, Mom's words, who gets too emotional and is having her own issues with watching mother disappear.
Maggiesue, you mentioned that your mother does a crossword daily. That is what is keeping her so sharp. Her mind is fine but her body is shot. My mother loved to play Scrabble and cards for hours into the night. Now she can't follow most anything. She gets very frustrated and gives up. Her mind and her body are going and they are racing to see which can go faster.
Marylynne, I use my Onstar minutes like you use your cellphone. I refuse to carry a cellphone because it is another tether. If someone can't find me, they call my husband and he finds me if it is important. He is my screener bless him. When I leave the house I don't want to be bothered.
Cathy, I am sorry to hear about your dad but look at this as respite care for the family. He will get better and you will get a break. Have the doctor order home visits from a nurse and therapy both occupational and physical when he comes home. Parents rebound very well in rehab centers because they really want to go home. I don't know the particulars of what happened to your mom, but you have to realize that the roles for all of us have been reversed. We are the parents now. Quite frankly, that sucks big time. My mom was never the touchy feely type. She was the bark orders and expect compliance. My sister and I have strived very hard to not be her to our children. When moms go bad like ours, it is because they are angry at the world and we are the closest one to hit physically and emotionally and they know which buttons to push.
I have three more days of work and then I will be trapped in this house for the summer. I am looking for a daycare center to Mom. One of us will not make it through the summer without one for her.
Monday I go to the dentist for a crown, a filling, and the last half of a deep-cleaning and then at 3 that afternoon I take her to the hearing aid center. She needs a tune-up. One Wednesday we go for our monthly meeting with her doctor to get her required painkillers that can't be refilled without and new script every month. What fun.
Hang in there girls, Sarah
You gave me a good laugh. My god your mother is my mother's twin too. OMG it is so funny. Mine does the exact same things yours does. If my best friend calls, she has a three way conversation with me, so I hang up. I tend to talk on cell phone to my friends when I am in the car waiting for my little girl to get out of gymnastics. If my husband and I are having a conversation, she says WHAT? She also needs cataract surgery and refuses. It is so funny, she will think the vacuum cleaner is a person standing there. My kids just make the crazy sign at her. It is soooo funny. I think I will do the 1 hour wait also on that 911 call.
My mother would never sign a dnr she don't ever want to die. She is so afraid of it thats all she says is "Why did god put us here if all we are here for is to die?"
Donna, I agree with you, I hate my mom more today than yesterday and probably more tomorrow. I love you,
Marylynne
She is totally involved in herself and her needs. No one else has a life outside of doing her bidding. She is always on the lookout for ways to use people. (She even told me that is her motive.)
She is extremely nosey and wants to know details of everything I do. If I had been on the phone like Minion she wouldn't have interrupted but would have quizzed me about the conversation. I can't possibly share the details of my life with her because she can no longer comprehend any complexity even if she could hear what I say. She keeps saying she lives through me which is a terrifying concept as it makes me feel like she is trying to take over my life like some sort of parasite.
About the death at home, I am not talking about an anticipated hospice death. I am talking about her falling over with a stroke or heart attack. I like Minion's idea of delaying the 911 call for an hour. Mother does have a DNR order, but I've been told those are voided once you call 911 or go to the emergency room.
I don't understand why she won't just accept her limitations and live peacefully in the time that is left to her.
There must be a scientific explanation for this mean old people disorder -- some kind of degeneration in the brain. If science can define the problem it seems like they can come up with a remedy. After all we are on the leading edge of the elderly problem that is going to engulf our culture with waste and inefficiency in the next few years.
I am calling around for in home care for them when we go on vacation in july.
I spoke to a private nursing company and they sound good. Has anyone of you used one before? We had hospital home care before which goes through insurance, private companies do not.
I really need someone to make sure Dad gets his right medication. Mom gets too confused. They can prepare meals to and take her to the store.
He is in pain today and she isn't helping, nag nag nag.
The nurse I spoke to says she has seen 29 years of women like our mothers nasty she says its common.
Minion count to 10 when she comes around to interupt. Judy
Having someone die at home really isn’t as bad as one would think. My dad was at home surrounded by his family as he wanted to be. His cancer did not allow him to go quietly into the night however. He had been in a sort of twilight and the nurse knew when she came through the door that it was time. We did too. Everyone started to gather and the word spread like wildfire to the family so…….Arrangements had been made with a local funeral home to pick him up and there were no police or ambulances involved. They took care of the death certificate and everything went smoothly. Our family had taken care of an aunt until her death at the age of 94. We didn’t want to go through and autopsy or anything either so when she died in the night, we waited a couple of hours before we called anyone. Again, there weren’t the screaming sirens and police everywhere. Just a thought Have any of you thought to talk to your parents doctors about an order called a DNR, Do Not Resuscitate, for you parents? Once ordered it is placed or posted on your refrigerator or tucked away in a private place that you can remember and presented to the agency that shows up and none of that stuff that they do is done. The patient is declared and that is that. If you don’t have an order, simply delay the call for at least an hour and it will be too late to even go through the motions. Our family has had experience with both of these scenarios. Discuss it with their respective doctors in advance.
The very idea of attending my mothers 90th birthday gives me the creeps. Everyone would be on their own version of drugs and just going through the motions because it would be the respectable thing to do. At this point, Mother’s grandchildren will not come see her because of the things that she says and of course she doesn’t understand the problem. If I had my choice, I wouldn’t see her either. My sister obviously feels the same way. My sister and I often refer to Mom as the Hateful Old Cow. Our guilt will never allow us to put her away as I would love to do. She would have to go on Medicaid in order to pay for the facility and it would be a hellhole. My conscience would eat me alive.
Sunday afternoon I twisted my ankle. Mom knew about it and was concerned when she realized that I had gone to work on Monday, (she is asleep when I leave). When I got home she made a point to come find me to check on my ankle. I was talking with my husband whom she interrupted AGAIN and she got her feelings hurt that I told her she would have to wait. “I just was concerned since it obviously had been hurting so badly last night.” That is sweet but…….She pouted the rest of the night.
Yesterday – I pulled into the driveway and was talking with my husband as I do when I first get home and she opened the garage door, let the cat out, let the dog out, almost fell out of the door, air conditioning the yard, and then couldn’t turn around with her walker, and I dared to tell her she was interrupting AGAIN. “Well, I just came out to check on you but I guess I won’t do that again.” Fine with me.
I teach 7th grade so I listen to whining kids all day and then I go home to one. I told my husband it is no wonder that I self medicate. I am 50 going on 100. I wish this could end tomorrow for all of us in this situation.
An intervention, at last! Let them do it. They see you suffering and want to help. Let her blame them, they won't care, they only love you. HOW SWEET. I wish my brothers would intervene just for a vacation.
Love,
Marylynne
Glad to hear from you. You will get through this also and REHAB is wonderful. You can't visit as often, there are set times. Gives you time to get yourself and family under control and visit him when the time allows.
The idea with your son was a good one. I will incorporate that into my routine also. I should check first, that would be devastating for her if something happened.
I know you must miss you Mom and I bet you had a very kind and sweet one. If God does call him home, know it will be your Mom who will take him there. You won't have to worry, he is tuff stuff.
Love,
Marylynne
I am so sorry you are all having such a week. Tomorrow is always another day. Try and find something to make you smile. That is how I get thru the day. Dad has had another set back. It is his breathing again. He has been put back on by-pat treatments to help open his lungs. They were talking about putting him in re-hab this week. Who knows? What I do know is that it is costing me a fortune to make the drive everyday. Sometimes twice a day. Is he worth it? Yes! I am just worried about finances. I don't see an end.
I know I sound like a downer right now, but not knowing if the phone is going to ring and I am going to have to leave my son to run to the hospital in the middle of the night is heavy on my mind. I have 2 frineds that I can call who will sit at the house if I need them. My husband is an hour away at his second job. I'm not scared, I'm overwhelmed.
Marylynne,
My son is 9 and he listens for my dad. If he hears a noise he runs to his room to check on him. We had to stop him. We told him that we needed to check first. After what I went thru as a child with my mom I do not want Joe (my son) to find him.
Every night I say prayers to god and my family that has gone before me. I ask my mom to hold my dads hand if it is his time.
I really miss hte idea of a mom right now. I don't know what it is like to have one. I just wish I did. I'm not sure why. Maybe I think she would make it better. That is what moms are supposed to do, right?
Sorry I'm rambling. Too tired to think straight.
I will pray for all of us.
Love, Cathy
yesterday was a dandy for me. went to tulsa to pick up my son, a 350 round trip, and of course, she wanted to ride along. knew the trip would be too much for her, but, ok, let her go. we had just gone past 500 stations in Oklahoma city, and got on the turnpike, when she said, I have to go to the bathroom. I said, why didnt you say something 2 minutes ago? there is not another restroom for 30 miles. She said, i cant wait. I said, I cant stop here, there is no place to stop. soooooo she did it in her pants... oh the smell was atrocious. when we finally got the rest stop, i had to go in with her and try to clean her up with paper towels. No extra clothing with us, so, threw away her underpants and put the outer pants back on her, smell and all. rode another 93 miles like that, til i got into tulsa and was able to find a walmart where i could get some depends, and more pants for her to wear. got to my sons house and made her clean up, but the smell was still in my car. ANOTHER DAY IN PARADISE. I WILL NOT TAKE HER ON A LONG TRIP AGAIN EVER. I am worn out. i am almost sick. i dont deserve this anymore.
My son, the boss, called me today and told me that they had all decided that if i didnt put her in a home, that the 4 of them would. with or without my cooperation. well, we will see what happens next. luv donna
Remind me what ailments your mother has. I hate scrolling back on the web and trying to find it. I know she is 90 and you just celebrated her birthday. I am with you on the dying in the hospital thing. Oh my god, my dad seems to pass out at least once every three months. His head with drop down while he is sitting in the wheelchair. I will have start yelling Dad are you O.K. He doesn't answer, but can tell he is still breathing. Will call 911, they know the way and also know us by name, which is a miracle, because we have only been here 2 years. We lost our homes in the Hurricane, so we are in a totally different place, than the last 18 years.
I have a piece of paper written down with all my dad's illnesses from 20 years ago with his meds. The paramedics act like I handed them a present when I give it to them. The people at the hospital see me so much, they think I work there.
I feel for you honey, just like all the rest of our lady friends do.
Write me back and let me know what are main ailments are, curious. My dad is 83 and I am sure he will outlive me and my Mom both. Its a vendetta against us.
Love,
Marylynne
So much for dying at home. I'm not sure why so many people want it. I agree I'd prefer to be around medical professionals when I die. I don't want any of my relatives to have to clean up. And I'd prefer that my mother be someplace with medical help.
My grandad died while he was riding in a car. My mother tends to sleep if we travel more than 15 minutes in the car. I watch for her breathing too.
Your poor 12 year old waiting for the grim reaper. I can understand why the child would be nervous.
Thanks for telling me to calm myself. It makes me feel good to think that you think I have the power to do that. If you think I can do that then I guess I can.
I know just what you mean. I look in on my dad every little while and he falls into these deep sleeps that I need to look and see if he is breathing. I hope he doesn't die in my house, crap, I hope I don't die in my house! hA! ha!.
Just think of it this way, I have to sometime. God don't want them or they would already be there. I don't blame you for being nervous, it makes me nervous and it makes my 12 year old nervous. Everytime we hear a thump, my twelve year old runs into the room and says, Go Check Paw Paw.
Calm yourself and let nature take its course. I need to follow my own directions too.
Love to you,
Marylynne
I wonder every day if this will be the day I will find her dead. I am extremely nervous about that. I talked to my doctor once about what I should do. He said to call the police. The medical examiner will have to do an autopsy if I can't get a doctor to sign a death certificate. She won't go to the doctor anymore so I don't know if he would sign it.
I don't think my life will ever be the same again. I don't trust anymore.
My mom thinks I slept with every "TOM, DICK and HARRY" so she puts it, well she's wrong I was married once at 21 and he was my first. After the divorce I had a couple boyfriends, I again was an adult. I think because we could get away with it and lightning didn't strike us, thats what they don't like. I meet my husband and am faithful to him. I wasn't a bad kid and I'm still not bad.
I don't know what her ******* problem was this morning but she is mad. She came out of her room with such a scowl on her face and marched with her walker into the kitchen, slammed the cabinet door, and tossed her walker around. She just got out of bed, nothing has happened to piss her off yet. Thats the way she usually is except the last wek she's been pretty good. I said whats the problem, no answer, lucky for me I guess! Her whole day will be screwed up because of the attitude. She's in her room now she'll be in and out all day slamming things.
Marylynne you have to let them go and take chances, hopefully good choices. I didn't live with my first husband before we got married but I did live with this one before for 8 months and we will be together 20 years in December. When I was young my mother wouldn't let me move out unless I was getting married.
Donna, you are to funny! OXOXOX Judy