Advice on how to deal with live-in mother?

havent written much in the past few days. Mom has been sick, and really dont know why. the home health nurse came yesterday, and said that aside from being short of breath, she could find nothing unusual. her b/p, pulse temp all normal. When i ask my mom where she feels bad at, she always says, all over. that is like trying to ask a baby where they feel bad. Irritates me, but i do hate to see her not well. I mentioned going to the doctor yesterday, and she didnt want to go, i probably should have insisted, but, didnt. Now today feels worse than yesterday, and of course, it is saturday. If she gets much worse, i will have to take her to the ER. I beat you girls on the bucket list!! i got to go to NY City last september when i visited my good friend in Pennsylvania for 3 wonderful glorious, carefree days. (my stepsister, bless her heart, came and stayed with mom for 5 days so i could go) Cindi, by your letters, your cheerleading abilities, i could tell that you are an organizer and a born leader. so sad that you are unable to put your talent to work for you, rather than be a unpaid slave. Marylynne, menopause is great after the first 3 months. Go to the doc get premarin and valium and every thing will look rosy!!!!! Cathy, how wonderful to be able to go abroad~!! TAKE THE TRIP. get brother to take care of dad.(what a laugh) not much else going on here right now. Horrible to say, but i am enjoying mom being silent for a while. luv, Donna

Judy,
I had to laugh reading the end of your posting. Isn't that the truth. Just when things are calmer and quieter you wonder..okay, what is next and when?!
Forgot to get my own bloodwork done for my physical today! I couldn't believe it! So busy taking care of everyone else forgot about me. I apologized to the doctor. Talked to him about gastric procedures for weight loss he is going to put the papers through. I don't really want to do anything but haven't be able to do it on my own.

Take care everyone!
Cindi

Cathy, tell your Dad that he has to show some effort before he can come home. And that you don't have the training to take care of him. Physical and occupational therapy will come to the house along with nurses and home health aids and they will spread themselves out throughout the day, think about that when he shows some effort.
Today seems to be quiet that means things are brewing for tomorrow, lucky me.
Take care girls, Judy

Hi Friends: Hope you all are doing Okay. Have a physical exam today. Bit anxious about it. Busy day lots to do before I go. Later this evening my longest/best girlfriend's daughter is graduating high school and we are invited to the party. Hired our caregiver, Maryann for the evening. Time goes by so quickly. I look at these young people and can realize my age. Shouldn't I still be young too? Where and when did the years go? Not fair that while we are raising our kids we age too! When they are grown we should be able to start at the age we left off at when we had them! Anywaysssss...my thoughts on that!

Marylynne, you must have seen the bucket list. Yes, New York is on my list too! You probably are peri-menopausal because sounds like your moods are swinging. I know that I am. Good luck to my mother having me take care of her when I am menopausal! Ha.Ha...Maybe I will be able to give as good as I can take (wink).
Cathy, good to hear from you. Glad your Father is in rehab. He belongs there. I agree with Marylynne it will be incentive for him to do well in rehab if he knows you are serious that she isn't coming home til doctor sees it fit. As far as you brother...well it is easy to talk when you aren't taking care of the patient. Too bad you can't see your girlfriends this year. I know what it means to give up things in order to take care of your family and your father. Last night I was going over some papers that were given to me by my son's high school. I was involved in one of the organizations and was given some certificates of appreciation and recognition. I use to like to organize events. Not anymore I've given up on many things. Not enough time or energy. Now, I organize a senior facility...laughing. Gonna hang a sign out my front door. Senior living inquire within/geriatric center.
My whole life is about my Mother and Father and I'm not kidding. But, I know that for you all it is about the same especially those of you without kids at home like me. Anyways...Have a real nice weekend. God Bless You All....and your beloved parents.

Cindi

Dear Cathy,

Vacation is so rare around here that my 12 year old went to DisneyWorld last when she was 3. We did go to Destin last year. My brother promised me to keep my mom and dad for 3 days. He was putting his house together from Hurricane Katrina, but it was pretty much complete. On the last day, he made excuses that he didn't have a bed that my dad could get into and my mom would have no where to sleep. Of course, he was telling this to my mother, who got very upset and said he doesn't want us there. I called an aunt of mine, and she took pity on me and came.

Of course, my mother still talks to this brother and says when she is talking to him, hon, call me sometimes, I miss hearing your voice. VOMIT!!!

Hire someone in so you can go to Ireland. You're 37, don't let another 10 years go by and feel like I'm feeling now.

Girls, this morning I woke up and started crying. My mother asked what was wrong with me and I said, I HATE MY LIFE. Now if I was told tomorrow that I was dying, I probably would wish for any kind of life. But, complain as I will, I told her I want to be normal. What is normal, she said. I said THIS IS NOT NORMAL.

She avoided me the rest of the day, which was fine with me. I think getting towards 50 is changing me. Maybe menopause hormones are kicking in. Menopause may be a blessing. Maybe I will tell everyone off and leave for good. Meet ya'll at the border.

Cathy, I do want to go to New York before I die. That's on my bucket list.

Love,
Marylynne

Marylynne,
Thank you so much. You made me laugh out loud for the first time in I don't know how long!
Our brothers don't have a clue.
Most people don't have a clue when it comes down to it.
I love coming here. Even if I don't write, I read. It makes me feel better.

We were supposed to go to Ireland next summer. We had found a cottage we wanted to rent in galway. Now who knows if we will even be able to go!
I don't know if I would be able to go that far away. Even if I could find someone to stay with dad for that long.
Help!
Cathy

Dear Cathy,

Rehab is wonderful and tell brother to shove it up his a**. If my brothers, either one of them would take my mom or dad for just a few days they would know what I go through and every other lady here goes through. And you are right about us being the only ones to know what to do. I went off for a few hours one day and my brother forgot to bring my parents something to eat.

Take a rest while dad is in rehab. I made the biggest mistake of my life 8 years ago when my dad broke his pelvis and had a stroke. They told me he needed to be in a nursing home and my mother cried. I told her we would take him home and deal with it the best way we knew how. Over the years he has gotten stronger, but the uphill battle was there. I should have put him in then and let it come what may. It was too hard... So tell Dad you can't come home till you can do what you were doing before. That will give him every initiative to do his rehab work. He'll be flipping cartwheels in no time.

Love,
Marylynne

Helloooo Ladies,

Thank you all for all the good wishes and prayers. Dad has finally moved into a great re-hab center. His insurance approved it . We were surprised. Dad has had some crazy stuff going on the past few days. It turns out the cyst he had on his chest almost killed him, if the nurse had not looked at his incission at that time it would have seeped into his heart cavity.
Dad is stable. they are trying to lower some doses on his meds. We will see. Dad is refussing therapy. He is going to make me nuts. He wants to come home, but doesn't want to do the work.
I can not take care of him the way he is. Brother wants to know WHY? He says take him home and have home health care help. Brother doesn't understand that home health care only comes for about an hour a day! I can't do it for the other 23 hours of the day. I told brother if HE WANTS TO HE WANTS TO TAKE HIM HOME HE COULD. Brother has not lived with dad in 27 years. Would like to be a fly on the wall for the first fews weeks if that happened. (haha like it would)
I am so tired. I need a break too. Would love to run away with all of you ladies. Let someone else be incharge. Like anyone else would know what to do.
My friends keep asking if I am coming to N.J. this summer. Sorry no. First time in 4 years that I have not gone. We moved to Florida 4 yrs. ago. I miss my friends. I have been friends with them since we were born. We grew up on the same street. There are 5 of us. All with in a year of each other. We are all very different people but we are always there for each other. We have girls night out when I go up. Dinner, movie, or anything else we can think of. I could use a girls night out.
I'm sorry for rambling. Just thoughts in my head.
I hope you all found something to make you smile today.
Hugs to all,
Cathy

Judy,
That is the way my Mother is also. It gets embarassing sometimes because she will try and get me to keep bugging the doctor and or nurse for her. When my mother was in the ER a few weeks ago she told me to grab the doctor after he had already seen her and was waiting for results. She was impatient. I told her no, I wouldn't get him. She was angry! She said I kept challenging what she said. Actually, it was just I didn't want to do what she wanted me to do when I knew it was unreasonable. Poor you. Hate when they are that way. If you had a doctor in the family it would be even worse, I think. It's just them, the way they are. I think when people get old they just don't care anymore about social etiquette etc. They want it and want it now and they just don't care. But, it doesn't work that way sometimes...Meanwhile we are caught in the middle as usual.
Marylynne, I agree with Judy...Take time off hun.
Cathy...how are you and Dad doing..family? Where are you hun?
Donna, how is your family doing? Son and boyfriend, grandkids? Most importantly how are you doing? Is Mother being better?

Got a ton of things to do...
Hugs to all
Cindi

it will be tuesday before the doctor gets the results from the xray and ct scan , Dad says he can't wait that long. I said we can go to emergency, he said no.
They act like they are the only patient the doctor has, that there are no other sick ppl.
Even for an office visit he doesn't think he needs an appt. and he gets very impatient when you have to wait. I wish I had a doctor in the family that I could call on 247.
Marylynne take a day off, your mom sounds stubborn enough to handle things for a day and then maybe she will realize for a short time how much you do, going on strike doesn't last long. Oxoxo Judy

My heart goes out to you Marylynne. You need to get away for a bit you are feeling overwhelmed, unappreciated,unloved and besides yourself. Sure seems like your mom sets her boundaries down about not wanting to go grocery shopping with you. Now you are stating how you feel more and that is why the butting of heads. There are days that I do not like my mother. Take care of yourself sweetie.
Judy, I use a transfer bench in the tub for my father. He had a knee replacement a few years ago and we bought one then. One can sit down on it from the side then swing your legs up and over into the bathtub. Any shower bench will do most likely. Then I bought a shower nozzle with a hand held attachment. He sits in bench and I bathe him with a shower/bath. I lay out his clothes and a fresh depends everyday otherwise he would not change his clothes.
Donna, funny how they can treat others better then us huh? Taking a loan out of the house for daughter in law...lucky girl.

Mia, I feel for you. If adopted father has money good time to put him in an assisted living residence. No reason for him to treat you like dirt and for you to accept that behavior. If I were in your situation with the history you stated I would not take care of him. No way, no how. Let his 37 year old gf take care of him...or pay to get taken care of. You can visit him and do some of his bidding if he treats you with respect otherwise...he is on his own..that is how I would handle it.

Cathy, sending positive energy to you and dad....hope things are going okay.

Love to you all....
Cindi

Dear Girls,

Had a big fight with my Mom today. Went to the urologist with her, waited an hour and half and then had to go to Walmart to get prescriptions. While in there decided to get a few groceries and told her to go look at the housewares while I got the groceries. She asked me to hold her purse so that her back would not bother her. I was 15 minutes in all even with checkout. When I got back to her she balled me out for getting more than a few things and I had her purse with her glasses in it and she could not look at anything. I told her how was I supposed to know she needed her glasses. She said she does not want to be with me when I do groceries. We have had this fight before. I told her As much as I do for her and my Dad, the least she can do is wait for me to get a few groceries, so I don't have to make a trip back. She said she was not wrong and would not apologize.

Here I am again feeling unappreciated and used. I go through the store making myself a nervous wreck to make sure I do not leave her for too long. She sometimes loses her way or gets tired. I'm never more than 15 minutes. When I do big groceries, my husband goes with me. I thought it was terribly mean and selfish of her to treat me that way and told her so.

I am not talking to anyone in my house. My husband has blamed for things this week, my 20 year old, and my little one too. I'm tired of it and am going to leave next time anyone aggravates me.

I HATE MY MOM TODAY.

Marylynne

hi girls and welcome Mia, we all hear harsh words from those that we are suppose to look up to, I let them roll off and maybe cry in the shower later. I have learned to be the bigger person and not enable conflict, it works for me.
I know what kind of person i am and I can hold my head up high for taking on a responsibility that is a real big one, we all can. So Mia you are right along with the rest of us don't feel guilty about anything you do for your father, just do the best you can.
MLV, I get to go to the hospital too, Dad needs a ct scan. At least I can go to the coffee stand and get a capacinno. Glad your hubby is alright.
Real tired today, last day of school for the kids here.
Hope Cathy is ok. oxoxo Judy

Dear Girls,

I find that so many a times in the day I say to myself that I want to be free. Would I be happy? Do I even know how to be happy? Maybe, I was meant to be an unhappy person. I don't even know if I would know how to act without having to care for people and worry about what was happening. I don't even know what I would do with my day without having to go to the doctor or pharmacy.

When my husband had his angiogram the other day, my mother fussed at me for not calling between 9:00 and 12:00. I made up an excuse that I couldn't use the cell phone in the hospital and didn't know my way around enough to go outside to use it. I thought to myself after I told her this, Why did I say that? I am an adult, I should just be able to say because I didn't feel like it. But, that little thing about me comes out that doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. But they don't mind hurting mine.

I decided today, that if I died before them, I guess that would take my pain away. I don't really want to die, but when will I get peace. I thought another horrible thought too...What if my father did die, would my Mom be worse or better. They do have a love-hate relationship. Would my Mom be afraid to be by herself, if I had to leave for a couple of hours. Would she start asking to go with my husband and I? There IS NO WAY OUT OF THIS!!! I Really don't see anyway out of this. I am getting more depressed and very afraid of the future. I know they tell you don't think about the future, but I can't help but thinking about being in this same position 20 years from now. OH MY GOD....

Mia, I can tell you one thing sweetie, you are a good girl, especially for being an adopted child that didn't have parents that were very supportive. I don't know if I could have given up my house to live with him. You must be a very unselfish person, like Donna who gave up her home.

Love to all you girls, and by the way angiogram came out O.K. and a day out at the hospital was better than being home. Isn't that horrible?

Marylynne

Mia, hon, there is nothing you can do to keep the nasty words and cutting remarks from hurting you deep down. I have the same type of thing with my mother, and i am not ADOPTED. If i were, i believe i would never be taking care of her. It is hard to remember when she was normal, sometimes, when she is so mean. i do the same things that you said you do, I sold my house at the lake and moved down here to her house, put 25000 dollars of my own money into remodeling this place and then when that wasnt good enough, i got a loan on the house so she could give some money to my late brothers wife, and i am the one who is the caregiver, and i am the one who makes the payments on a house that was rightfully mine in the first place since i am her only surviving child.
every day each one of us have challenges, and i think that burning them is a great idea. only thing, as many complaints as i have, would cause a forest fire. lol. my heart goes out to u for the injustices that you have and still do suffer. Just like the majority of our parents, he is ungrateful and mean. You will have to learn to stand your ground, regardless of how nasty he is with you.....love you girls, Donna

hello i am mia and i want to thank you for making me laugh, i see so much of my situtation in your stories. I have moved my family (husband and 9 and 4 year old kids) in with my soon to be 90 year old father (in july) . do al parent get mean and crabby or do thay start out that way, My father has always treated me like im dirt, just the other day he told me he felt sorry for my husband beacuse he came to this country and all he got was saddled wtih was a wive and kids. it is very hard to care for some one who is always mean and degrading. I dont know how to handle it . my father teats total strangers and friends nicer than me and im the one who cooks cleans drive and even washes out his dirty underwear and still get no repsect. I started seeing a counsler so i was happy to see that im not the only one who needs thearpy to deal with there parent(s) I try hard not to compain to much to my husband he works 65 hours a week and i dont want to put anymore stress on him so i have found that when some thing my dad said or did to hurts me i write it down on a piece of paper then then i burn it what way all the hard feels go up in smoke . and no i do not do this in the house. I think hearing your stories has let me know that there are alot of us in the same boat. any advice on how not to let the things my dad says hurt me ? Just a quick background for you . Im the youngest of 4 kids im adopted and my siblings are about 25 years older than me, I was a foster child until age 14 and was the only child left at home. I think the only reason my parents took me in was to give my mother something to do with dad was out sleeping around. Needless to say im the one mother took out her frustrations on . im not mad at her im more mad at him up until about 2 months ago (mom died 5 years ago) he had a girl friend 37 and that is not a type o he has given her money and giftsand his car, we took away the keys when he hit the garage. she is a drug addict and a 3 time drunk driver. lowest of the low. but his own family he doesnot give any gift or card for holidays. and he has money lost of money but cries i dont have any money im going to out on the street. drives me nuts. most days i dont know why i take care of him. Im selling my house that i love and have moved into a very old delapated house most days i just want to run away i even have a secret bag under my bed. I said i would take care of him i try to say very little to him because no matter what i say he just has some snotty comment so i just go about my business and pray to god make it through . wow how did this get so long . sorry thanks for letting me tell my story any advice would be greatly appreciated mia

Girls, thanks for the support, we all need it,my dad doesn't really shower that much, he is better at getting in the shower now, it was hard because he would fall.
He can't get in and out of a tub anymore. So he ususally gives himself a good washing before an appt., He wears the same clothes for 3 days then I lay clean ones out for him to change into. My mom usually wears the same clothes everyday except if we go to the dr. I wash Dad's clothes, she washes her own.
She cleans her own room and showers once a week. I clean my Dad's room and his bathroom, and the rest of the house.
He doesn't need depends yet but he usually doesn't wear underwear. This morning he walked with the walker to his bathroom with no pants on. He was going to wash then put some boxers on. His shirt was long enough to hide the privates and noone else was up yet.OMG!!! He came out without his boxers on and said I hate washing.
Took him to the urologist today and have to go get a ct scan tomorrow to locate the kidney stones. Yeah more appts.
Lisa, its hard to change a habit that didn't have boundries in the first place, I hope there is a kind way of telling someone that they need to change their bathing habits. Maybe having an aid come in would be the better person to do that, and I would throw their clothes in the wash, maybe say you haven't worn this outfit in awhile, let me wash that one and you wear this one, help pick out something else to wear.
Donna i don't think we will regret the words we say to them, besides we are spending alot of time with them probably more then our own kids, I know my parents moved wherever I did, they are always with me. I was their focus in life as an only child.
Have fun thinking of all of you, Judy

Hi Everyone
Hope you all are doing okay. Weather here is gloomy. June gloom. Have stuff to do before the caregiver comes to relieve me for my day away. She doesn't come til 1:30 until 5 then husband comes home from works and takes over. He just has to serve my dad his dinner and give him his meds so not too bad. I do feel grateful to him. Have to cook before I leave. Feel gloomy even though I will get away today. Wish I didn't have to get away sometimes I just want to stay home or having another house I can get away to will be good. Just kinda feel it's the SSDD syndrome...(same sh*t different day)... Tomorrow opthalomogy appt for Mom who continues to have problems with her eye. Frankly, I think getting old is hell.

Wishing you all a smooth day
Cindi

Hi Lisa
yes, it is hardest to talk to those that are closest to us. But it is his job as your husband to do it. If you can talk to her that would help too, but seeing that he is her son he could play mediator and stuff between the two of you. Boundaries have to be set. It's not working well. Even when it does work it is very difficult at best. I bathe my father every other day. I figure that he doesn't do anything and this way the skin has some time to lubricate itself so it doesn't get so dry from overbathing. Plus it is easier on me. My mother bathes herself I think she showers every other day too. Once again bathing boundaries must be set. Like they need to bathe a certain amount of times a week. You are all living together and they may not be aware that their is odor etc...and it is unhygienic and bothers you all. If they need assistance with bathing..hire a caregiver to do it...if you don't feel comfortable doing it. I can't help wonder why none of their own daughters is taking care of them??? It seems if they have that many daughters one of them would do it over you and hubby. I mean you could help..but not take it over.
Glad you guys get to get out sometimes and that you will be relieved so you can take a vacation.
That is more then some of us have...

Cindi

Cindy,

Thanks for all the input. My husband is very appreciative of all I have been doing and is supportive - he just has a lot of problems talking to them about what is bothering us. I think the parent/child relationship gets complicated when the roles get reversed. He wants to respect them and honor them, and so it is hard for him to assume the role of telling them what to do. They have been with us a year and a half and he is now able to talk to his dad but not his mom. I guess he is afraid she will cry or something. It makes me feel that he is supporting his mom instead of me, but now I'm starting to think that maybe I should just talk to her. I have been waiting for him to do it, since it is his mom, but it isn't happening.

Can ya'll give me any input on bathing - do your parents resist, and how often do you do it? Both of mine don't want to bathe, and on top of that with the Depends, and not washing their clothes (my mil just hangs hers back up again at the end of the day and wears them over and over), the whole bedroom they are in stinks and the smell is drifting into the hall! These subjects are so delicate, and no wonder my poor husband doesn't want to talk to her!!

Glad to hear you are getting away - I can leave my fil and mil to run errands, but we don't want to leave them overnight. We have had a couple of weekends away, and those were pure heaven. We are taking a family vacation in August, and my sister-in-laws (three of them) are all coming to stay while we are gone.

Have a great rest of the day.

Lisa

Hi girls

Judy I am glad you are setting your boundaries. Our parents always want us to do what is easiest and most comfortable for them and most of the time we do it like obedient daughters. But it is all too much sometimes, and then we get resentful. Hope you have a great vacation, something to look forward to. Congratulations on your son's graduation! Too bad your pretty dress got soaked but it will wash and you probably looked lovely in it. It will be a memorable graduation, glad you got to go out to dinner. I guess it is like life you never know what you are gonna get and the weather is so unpredicatable anymore.
Donna, I know what you mean about regretting how you feel and what you have said when it does happen. But, in the meanwhile...guess we have rights to our feelings. They are just feelings.
Back has been hurting since last night. Hurting now. Just finished bathing Dad. Time to make lunch and I am just sitting here for a few minutes been nonstop all day. Been back to curves for a few weeks. Taking awhile to get back into it. Esp since I hate excercise! Stopped going when I was sick for those 3 weeks in May. My dad likes soup so gonna give him wonton soup for lunch. Made some wontons last week and kept some.
Wonder how Cathy is doing and her father.
Marylynne, I think our mothers are sisters!!!! Laughing.
Tomorrow is my day away, yeah!!! I like it when I get to get away twice in a week! Makes me feel like I am getting away with something..haha..
AFter lunch I have to go out again to get Birdseeds for my mother. This is the third time. Took her once she bought the wrong one. Took her twice they were closed. Took her again they ran out. Oh this is the fourth time actually...and now I am going again...made her call first. Already been out grocery shopping (ew)...spent lots of money. Don't you all just get so tired of planning, shopping, cooking...I want to quit my job!!!! Or Jobs that is...

Hugs
Cindi

judy, stand your ground ! i am proud of u, for telling them that you will have this time with your family, before it is too late. I made the mistake of letting my grandkids grow up, while trying to please my mom, now i very much regret it. I can never make them kids again. And, she is still the same old witch she was then, so nothing would have changed if i had had them with me some of the time. Some days i just wish it were over for me and for her. she is unhappy, and makes me very unhappy. I would probably regret those words if she were to die, but, feel that way at times. most times.
love, donna

hi girls, welcome Lisa,
Mom is giving the silent treatment today, don't know why, she does that once and a while.
Graduation was yesterday, it was super windy, they had to hold on to their hats.The lady sitting in front of me got pooped on by a bird.
It was at an amphitheatre at a local park, it started to pour when we were waiting for them to finish a group picture, so my brand new dress got soaked. Then on the way home all the traffic lights were out and alot of places had no power. Came home and changed and found a restaurant open to go to dinner. It sure will be memorable.
My husband saw my mom snooping around my Dad's room when he was sleeping, he likes to hide money so she was looking to see if she could find some, my Dad doesn't trust her.
I have already been expaining to him that he will have to pay for someone to come in and take care of his meds when I am gone on vacation. He told me this morning that he didn't want to be alone with my mom for a long time. I told him either we get someone to come to the house or he will have to go to respite care.
I told him nothing he says is going to stop me from going, I have my own family and I have only a few years with my boys home and we need that time together.
We go to the urologist tomorrow.
Oxoxo Judy

Cindi,

I had to laugh when I read your posting to Lisa. I had such a hard time explaining the contractor that is making my mom and dad's attachment that they needed two separate bedrooms. He looked at me like I was nuts. She wants it that way, if she had to stay in the same room with him she would die. I never met anyone with my same situation before besides you. I love it!

Love,
marylynne

Hi Lisa, I'm Cindi both of my parents live with us. Dad going to be 85, Mom going to be 83. My Father has stage 5 altzheimer's (there are 7 stages) he also has multiple myeloma (blood cancer) although it is simmering now and now full blown, high bp. My mother has high bp, allergies, eye problems and bad back. She is on pain management taking pain pills and sometimes Physical therapy. She is under the care of a neurosurgeon. She had back surgery in 2007 and it was not a success. The disc reherniated. My Mother is more difficult to take care of then my father because of her character. My Father has lived with us 2 years this month. My mother has lived with us 7 months, but I have been taking care of her since Feb of 2007 after her back surgery. She was living in an active senior living residence but since Nov has lived with us. She does not like being alone. She also likes to have everything done for her.
Talk to husband calmly and tell him your truth. Tell him how the situation is making you feel. How you love him and want to help out but it is robbing your spirit and you can't go on. Some things need changing and reevaluating. How about hiring a caregiver from an agency or from some other means once or twice a week. This way you can have a day away from them. The second day you could go out with husband. If it is a CNA from an agency they could bathe father in law etc. Have the money paid by in laws from money they got from sale of home. Or, split the costs. Another option is senior day care. Have them put into senior day care maybe twice a week. They serve them meals there, there are activities etc. This way you can be home alone. Talk to mother in law and ask her to please do her laundry it would really help you out and you think it would be good for her to do a little activity. Also, ask her if she would fix lunch for Father in law from now on that would take a load off of you, say you feel a bit overwhelmed with everything. Schedule weekends away with husband and go away, hire care. Or, if someone can take parents for the weekend every so often. Everything else is the way it is...dr appts, Rx's..etc...only way to get out of that is to put them in an assisted living which is quite costly or in a nursing home. Another option is a private home. There are private homes that they can stay in for care. That is cheaper then an assisted living usually. The downstairs situation most likely will not change. They spread out and that's it. My Father watches tv in his bedroom and my mom in hers but they have separate bedrooms. She wants it that way. Maybe set up a tv in your room etc. I know what you mean about wanted time with your husband. I have never had time with mine. I had a son before I married him so it was an instant family. Our daughter hadn't even left for college when my dad moved in with us. My husband and I long for time together I hope someday we get it. We are going away to Lake Tahoe for 2 days and coming back the third day. My Mother is having a fit over it. Says that I can't take care of my father cause I am always going. I tell her well I am doing it. She says she doesn't have enough money to pay for the caregiver. But, she does. She has only paid for one overnight stay when we recently moved our daughter. My sister will not help out anymore. For awhile when husband and I went out of town he would take care of dad not anymore. She has alot of her own emotional/mental problems right now. My brother does my parents finances. He works 6 days a week so he has an excuse plus he still has two kids at home. You are lucky you can still leave them. I leave my dad with my mom to run errands..which are usually for her and sometimes for all of us. Good Luck. Tie a knot and hang on. Once you invite them in it is Pandora's box. They might not mean to be trouble but it comes along with the territory. Husband needs to be more empathetic to your plight otherwise he might find himself taking care of them by himself. Doubt if he would do what you have been doing.

Cindi..........Oh Donna...I am ready to go!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for the words of encouragement. We have tried talking to them and things got better for about a week before they went right back to the way they were before. We did talk to them about giving us some time alone, so they are now having their before dinner cocktail in the bedroom and come out when dinner is ready. The biggest issue is hygiene - my mil has not washed her clothes since they have been here, and has taken one shower. She claims water gives her hives and does a bird bath. My husband MAKES my fil shower once a week, and change his clothes midweek. He sleeps in his recliner so never takes off the clothes he has on. My father-in-law is 83, my mother-in-law will be 80 in August. They got some money when they sold their home - but it is in a savings account earning interest in case they get to the point that we can't care for them and they need to go into a nursing home. So we are pretty much supporting them. My mother-in-law watches QVC and we get two or three packages every day, which gripes me since we are paying for their groceries, gas to run them around, and providing them with a place to live for free!! It's the little things that just drive you crazy. We have been looking for another house which would work better with our situation, but everything is so expensive and we would have to pay for it. I will try and focus on our blessings, they are nice to me and mean well, and they try to respect us. Your situations are so much harder than mine, and I really respect you all for the time you are devoting to your parents. I will pray for you. Thanks for your wisdom and experience!

Lisa

aha busted girls!!!! sneaking in like kids. lol my mom makes me do and feel the same way. And, when don and i go somewhere, she gets mad, and says, the doctor told her not to leave me alone. I said, well, where would you be if i were not here the majority of the time to cook, clean, fix your meds, take you to the doctor and anywhere else you want to go? she didnt have an answer for that. I only wish the housing that you talked about were available in my area. I would get a trailor house and move into it myself to keep away from her. Everytime i leave the house, she comes into my room and snoops in my stuff, and it is not like i have any deep dark secrets, but i need a little privacy, which i have never had in my lifetime and seriously doubt i ever will. Every day is another challenge as i am sure all of you know. Cindy, sounds like your day yesterday was fun and i am glad you got out. minion, good that your school is out and you are free from students for a while. lisa, those parents in law need to be talked to, although, it would probably do no good whatsoever. Marylynne, still thinking you and i may be making a run for the border soon. Yeah, cindi, pack your bags, you are going too....Judy and cathy, thinking of both of u. Love, donna

Minion read your posting about sneaking into your room...laughing...yes, sounds familiar we are like teenagers/children again in some ways. Having to sneak around for some semblance of peace whenever and however we can...
I, myself am using the excuse that I have to get my mother's meds from the pharmacy and buy her lotto (which she plays religiously every day) so that I can sneak out for a bit. Husband is coming with me. Everytime I go out she says it took a long time. Sometimes that irritates me to sh*t. Especially when most of the running around is for her and I didn't sneak off anywhere...It is comical really.

Had a good time yesterday. Even if I did have to help my counselor, Linda around. She is 70 and her parkinson's has become worse. The restaurant was lovely and in Malibu across from the ocean. The day was sunny, I hadn't seen these women in 6 months, and the food was splendid. I enjoyed myself. Later, I met up with a girlfriend who came in from out of town. I seldom get to see her. My husband is so good to me, thank god. He took care of my dad all day and into the night. Got home around 9pm. My mother was trying to get me not to go and even said I am sure your husband doesn't like the idea...I said he said I could go. It was more like she didn't like it. But, she had fun too with her gf going to the hawaiian luau for a few hours. She told me this am that it wasn't as fun with Rosanne. Which amounts to the fact that Rosanne didn't do her bidding. She said you know me I hate to go up and get my food...or more food so I only ate a little. It felt good setting my boundaries and taking care of me. Took care of her too by suggesting she go with a friend. She just wasn't as happy as she could have been because her slave (which is me) wasn't there.

Love to you all
Cindi

Lisa, I know exactly how you feel. Trapped in your own house and feeling guilty because you want your life back. We are all very normal for feeling as we do. Since you have read all of our stories, there should be comfort in the knowledge that the same thing is going on all over the country and within your own community. You are not alone in this. I have joined this group to vent and to listen to others in the same situation. I have tried to accept the things I cannot change but it is so very difficult not to scream at the woman/child my mother has become. I have to take her medications away from her after we see her doctor on Wednesday and that will be one less thing she will have lost control over. The list is long but I can't trust her with them anymore. I already have to dole out her narcotics because she forgets when and how many she took.

I solved the issue of her asking for everything by simply telling her she knows where the kitchen is when she asks for certain things. She can work the ice and water in the door of the fridge and I got a cup holder for her walker. I also got a tote bag for the handlebars of her walker so that she can carry things from room to room with her and that helps a lot. They are like children in so many ways. They will manipulate us into doing things for them whenever they think they can, so in some ways it is best to treat them as such. Make your mother-in-law fetch and carry, cook and clean for them. That isn't your job especially if she is capable. Marylynne's idea of an addition to your house may be the answer for all of you. There had to be some money from the sale of their house I hope. I know that in some counties in hardship cases such as this with parents, a mobile home can be moved onto the property on a temporary basis meaning their lifetime. That may be an option to explore too.

Don't beat yourself up for wanting to be left alone and enjoy your husband and child. They come first regardless. I have learned how to enter my own house and sneak into my bedroom and shut the door without my mother even seeing or hearing me. Talkabout feeling like your 16 and coming home late from a date. Think about that one for a minute. Made ya laugh didn't I? It's true though so that makes it kind of sad too.

Welcome to the group, Lisa

Lisa, maybe your answer is the same as mine, add on a separate part to your house if you can. Take your house back. If they are pretty good health now you can still oversee their meds and cook. Take them to their appts. and still have your own privacy. That is what I am hoping for, but don't know if it will be that way. How old are they? You are a gooooood daughter in-law.

Marylynne