Advice on how to deal with live-in mother?

My Dear Friends,

I am angry at all these women that you call mothers do this to their children. Since I do not remember my mom I guess I reallyhouldn't have a say on this matter, but I pray that I NEVER treat my child the way you are treated. I realize that some of them may not see that they are hurting you, that is a whole different issue. For those that do understand I want to ring there necks for you. I do not like to see/hear my friends so upset and know that there is nothing I can do about it. I WANT TO SEND THEM TO THEIR ROOMS FOR YOU. My theory, If you are goung to act like you are 2, I will treat you like you are 2.

Marylynne, Please go to the Dr. You need to find out what is wrong. I know what you mean when you say its almost better not to know. Between your back and your stomach you need to know! MY GUESS, ITS HER! i AM WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

Cindi, Hope you have a great time with your friends tonight and tomorrow.
NO SISTER!!!!! NO WAY!!! Yiou still have to take care of you and hubby. You deserve a life. Do Not Let Her Drain You Anymore PLEASE!

Judy hope you have a blast! Play hard.

Donna, Hope you and Don had a nice time out. I hope the only reason your stomach hurts is because of mom. I WORRY ABOUT YOU TOO.

Buttercup, I agree with Donna. If she is in good health get her out before it becomes worse. It will not get any better.

They are moving Dad to another rehab tomorrow. Lets see how this goes. All the Dr. know he is not able to be at home. Why did last rehab let him go??? Dad is nervous. We had a talk about the possibility of him not being able to come home. It was heart breaking. I am crying now. I never thought the day would come that I would not be able to care for him. My son is having nightmares about his PopPop. I don't know how to make this better. My son tries to comfort me during the day when he see me upset. I try not to let him see me cry. I WANT MY DAD BACK. The one who played catch with me. THE ONE THAT DANCED WITH ME AT MY WEDDING. I miss him.

Sorry I went on so long.
I hope you all have peaceful nights.
Hugs to all, Cathy

Hi Marylynne, Donna, Judy, Buttercup, Cathy, Anita, Minnion and anyone else I missed...
Thanks girls for the support. I hope she doesn't end up with me. Long story. Hard night. Ended up going to her house with brother and doing an intervention. Crisis team came over took her to Hillmont mental health last night. Only to have her released within the hour cause she wasn't acting nuts. She told me yesterday that the nigth before she was going to kill herself. Exhausted from holding sister in her room last night while police were coming. Sad when sister taking away...sadder that she is not getting the help she needs and denies problem. At least now she knows we think there is a major problem. Yet, she refuses to go be psychologically evaluated. She is running out of time her bf wants her to move out. Told her we cannot move ahead til she gets the treatment she needs. Brother will talk to her again.
Running errands all day. Mom actually said her arm feels a bit better. She has been putting her back nerve pain patches on her arm and it helps. She still has to go for a mri though and neurology consult.
Marylynne, I am wondering why you haven't gone into dr, sweetie. We are worried about you and possible shingles. Donna is right longer you wait worse they can become..Then you won't be able to take care of anyone. Be in too much pain. My mother got them at age 75 and she was bedridden for 3 months and on narcotics. It does hit older folks harder though. Please see Dr asap. Your mother is a witch. Smart Azz mouth don't take it from her let her have it back. Not meanly but stand up to the old lady who intimidates you and rants and raves. She is plain mean she knows what that does to you. Reminds me of the stuff my mom use to do and what she tries every now and then. Mean just plain mean...power trip, controller. I am mad at her too because I have a sense of how you feel and how mean someone can be to their own daughter.
Tonight going out to dinner with 3 other gfs who want to do a late birthday dinner. We all take turns taking eachother out on their birthdays. Hope it will help me unwind and destress cause the stress level is at a high. You know how that goes, sometimes you can take more and other times you feel if one more thing goes wrong..or one more little itty bitty thing happens you will blow. That is when I know I have to get out. Tomorrow night my other close gf and her sister are taking me out. I am grateful to have loving friends both here and off here. Only you all know what I go through though.

Love you like sisters
Hope you are all doing okay
Donna glad things were a bit more calmer..have to be grateful for times like that
Cindi

Buttercup, I agree with Donna, LEARN BEFORE ITS TOO LATE. I don't remember loving my mother anymore. I did love her very much at one time. I only realize now, that she was always mean and selfish.

Donna, HOORAY, for an O.K. day. Don't feel bad, my stomach hurts from the minute I wake up till about noon, and then starts again at dinner time. Don't gain any weight, when you don't eat because you are depressed. Does your mom know that you and Don go out while she is asleep? It would be nice if she slept right through it without knowing. That would be FANTASTIC!!! Still feel like I have a sunburned back, when I have done nothing. I think it is my nerves. I made a comment about a woman in shorts today to my mom, said they were cute. She said, you could wear something like that, you dress to old for your age. I wear jeans most of the time with cute t-shirts. Then she wanted to invite my aunt over to see the new addition, when we haven't moved yet. I told her to wait until we move. She said this is my house and I will invite who I want, or am I not allowed? She is such a smart ass that I hate her. My blood pressure starts rising the minute she makes me mad. My heart rate goes way above normal, so I am popping two nerve pills a day, just to get along. HOW CAN I JUST IGNORE HER AND NOT LET WHAT SHE SAYS BOTHER ME? HELP!!!

Cindi, NOOOOOO Sister, please. How did meeting go? Worried about you.

Judy, THIS IS WHAT I WOULD SING ON MY VACATION--I'M FREE TO DO WHAT I WANT--ANY OLD TIME.......hAVE fUN

lOVE,
mARYLYNNE

Buttercup, please do not allow this woman to stay any longer. It sounds as though she is able to go to a residential living center, for seniors. SEND HER NOW, before it is too late and you have to keep her forever. she will not get any better, let me assure you, the worst is yet to come. Most of us are driven by selfish, demanding, tyrannical old women, who do not deserve us. Dont let it continue to happen if you can do anything about it.
This day has been kinda ok for me. It is 10pm and don and i are getting ready to go out for a while. she is asleep, or at least should be. I still am not feeling good, but getting out sometimes helps. My stomach is hurting almost constantly now. so afraid of going to doctor and finding that it is somethng really bad.
judy, have 2 cocktails for me, and have a blast.
marylynne, how is your rash or whatever it is?
cindi, what was the outcome of your meeting? love to all, Donna

It's nice to know I'm not alone! Four years ago my parents moved in with me and and my family because my dad was very ill. He has since died, but my mom is still wish us. She is not in horrible health but does have problems with arthritis in her knees. Dictator is a very mild description. Everything has to be ultraclean constantly. If it is not, she acts like I'm insane and then pouts. There are days I go in the shower and cry because talking to her about it is like talking to a two year old. I am beginning to get so resentful! I feel like I can't enjoy my own family because I'm always worried about what will bother her. I do have one sibling, who does not participate in her care, take her to doctor's appointments, etc. However, this sibling walks on water as far as she is concerned. Distance is not an issue, as he lives less than two hours away but is very busy becuase he works, has a family, and is married, and only visit once or twice a year. But, we have to put out the red carpet, make sure everything "looks nice" because he's coming. It's really sickening! I recently started working full time again after 10 years. I had been working from home, but my mother never respected the time I was working and I became so stressed out I found another job out of the house. It started as part-time, but I am now full-time. It's actually like a vacation to be away! I'm getting the cold shoulder now because of this, and have to listen to comments about her having to "clean" this or that because I can't. I'm trying to take a deep breath and carry on, but it's so hard. Thanks for letting me vent!

Marylynne take care of what you think moght be shingles please! I broke out in a rash on both arms when I was having my garage sale it burned and itched I showed the pharmasist and he said I could put some cream my son had for poison ivy on it. There are still some traces of it left on my arms so I don't know what it was he said to wear sunscreen it could have been an allergic reaction.
I will have a cocktail for each one of us girls I figure at least 8 of us.
I can tell my Dad is really laying on the pain because he knows I am going soon. He can be dramatic. I more or less told my mom the reason why I am getting a home health aid is because she gets too confused and she won't have to handle his meds, she got pissed off OH WELL you should have done better for yourself.
Cindi hope your meeting goes well and you come to a decision that makes you happy.
Donna hope your day has been the best.
marylynne good luck with the move. OXOXOXOX Judy

Judy,

You are right, you girls are my family now. Ya'll are more important to me than you will ever know. You have a good time for all of us, you here!!!. Feel liberated and Happy. Do you have to call while you are gone? My mom expects me to call several times a day. That's where I make my mistake. I need to go on a cruise, where I can't call. That would be sooo nice.

My mother still seems to think that my Dad is the culprit to all of my misery. Telling her its her, will not do any good. I am at my wits end with her. I can't even stand to look at her face any more. And when she wants something, she wants it now. I don't mean Get me something. She is telling me what has to be done in the addition before she moves in. I have moved all the clothes, and all she does is sit on her throne and put them away. If she were not around, my dad would be a breeze to take care of, because he would listen to me. He just don't listen to me, because she is here.

She is so predictable. Everything is for her and for no one else. Even my brothers call her QUEEN. How is the Queen today.

Cindi, NOOOOOO SISTER!!!! I hope the meeting goes well, but put your foot down and say enough is enough.

Do think I am getting the shingles. I feel like I have a sunburn on my bra line. I can't even touch it, but no blisters yet. My nerves are just shot.

If you girls don't hear from me next week, We're moving Monday and my computer may not be up right away. So don't think I died, unless I do before this move and then so be it!!

Love,
Marylynne

Laughing, I know Judy!!! I do feel badly. I had a harddddddd time saying no. I feel badly about saying no, even if I know it is best for us and even for her. I can't wait for vacation for you Judy! Yeah, alas one of us gets to go for more then a few days. Cathy, Judy has some very good suggestions. Marylynne, honey I'm sorry you are very sad today HUGS... I think our mothers knew we were soft, caring, compassionate types and rock us in our cribs singing take care of us til the day we die no matter what lullabies to us. You know they probably know that noone would take this sh*t from there and if we were to put them in someone's care no way would they ever get all we give them. That is why they are so afraid of being in a facility of any kind. They don't want to take care of themselves. They want us to do it. They don't want to take care of their husbands they want us to do it. What do we get? Absolutely,nothing. Not even more love, no kind words. Every once in awhile they throw us a tidbit of what can be perceived as affection, appreciation or love. What did we do to deserve this...and why do we go on...Love must be very strong....our love for them that is...or perhaps we signed up for this before we came down to earth...
Lucky them. They don't even know how lucky they are...
Anita, sorry your husband does not support you in caring for your mother. That makes it even harder. Doesn't sound like he is a positive in your life. When can you leave him?...(sorry just saying what I'm feeling)...Good luck , hun. Caregiving almost always falls on one more then another sibling. Frankly your mother is not going to be around forever and gas is not getting any cheaper in the near future...brother needs to help out and see his mother while she is here.

Stressed here...didn't sleep until 5 this am...couldn't. Suppose to meet with sister, brother, mother and me tomorrow night. But tonight, I am looking forward to the last show of the bachelorette. Mom made dinner...so I am grateful and happy for that! She cooks about 1 to 2 times a month...when she wants to...

Hugs, enjoy your evening or try to...
Cindi

Cheer Up Marylynne :) you have us we are your family and we respect you and love you. I am the one who is not allowed to have a backbone i am a spineless jellyfish. All my life when I tried to express myself noone took me seriously I am also a doormat. So see we have something else in common.
Leaving Friday around 4pm for Tennessee. Will be home on the 20th have alot to do before I go. My mother was taking me going away pretty good until today, she gets sarcastic and says maybe you'll move to tennessee, I said alot of people travel all around the world and like different places doesn't mean they move there. I could go to Canada tomorrow doesn't mean I'll move there. She always says that and soooo snotty.
Cathy, get a bedroom comode that may help so he doesn't have to travel to the restroom until he gets stronger if they still say he has to go home. Does he have a walker or wheelchair? And maybe handles on the toilet in the bathroom. Just some helpful ideas.
Having eating problems with Dad again he is too picky for the limit he has with no teeth. I am afraid to feed him or suggest food to him. I get soooo agrivated.
Anita your husband doesn't realize what is important to you he is being selfish and I would tell him so.
Cindi, NO SISTER, I know we may sound cold but we know what you are dealing with on a daily basis.And we don't want you to be writing to a "How to Deal with livein sister, mother and father" site. :)
oxoxoxoxo Judy

Anita, Donna, cindi and the girls,

I am the biggest no backbone person in the world. Don't feel bad we were raised this way. We were taught that this is what we are supposed to do. BULL! Notice how I have backbone on the this website, but not in my own home.

Very Sad Today,
Love,
Marylynne

Good Morning Donna,

I have not been on line much lately. Thankfully, I have been working alot of overtime at work. Nothing really has changed around here. My brother said that gas was to expensive to come pickup out mother so that means no break for me. I have been thinking lately that I have lost myself and I don't know what fun is anymore or who I am anymore. My life has become so routine and boring. The is not a dress rehersal and I am not going to get a redo. My husband gave me grief the other day because I wanted to go to church for a rosary and mass. He says that I always leave him with my mother. There is such a double standard with him. He goes and comes as he wants but for me it is a big deal to do anything. I make way more money than him but yet I just don't do things just to avoid conflict. I have no backbone. Well i hope everyone is doing okay and remember you are not alone. I may not write much but I do keep everyone in my prayers.

Anita

Marylynne go to the doc this morning and get something for the shingles, otherwise that will get really bad, really fast. I am so sorry that your mom is such a hateful lady. sounds like you are like me, on your last leg with this bs. My mom is being fairly nice right now, but of course we know it wont last for long. I need to go to town to get a car tag and thought i would pick up a few things that we need, and of course, now she is getting ready to go with me. I could get it done in 30 minutes without her, but with her, i am looking at 2 hours. wasted time. wasted life.
Cindi, i am with marylynne, hope you dont take the sister in. I dont think you can stand anymore stess in your life.
Cathy, so sorry about your dad. Hope you can get him back in rehab for a few weeks, so he can recover.(and you can too)
Judy, i am still looking forward to vacation for you. Have a blast. Enjoy those boys, because too soon they will be grown and gone. I have missed the fun i had with my boys, when they were young.
Minion? where are you?
Maggie? Anita?
hoping all of you are doing better. love, donna

Dear Cindi,

Did tell her all the things you said. She is just so smug, she doesn't care. Woke up and can't touch my back with the pain. I told both of them this morning that I just can't take it any more.

Love,
Thanks for worrying about me, I worry about you too.
Marylynne

Marylynne, when she tells you that what you said to her hurt her. Good time to tell her all the recent things she said that hurt you. The fact that she is so petty as to tell you that your salt and pepper shakers are prettier then hers and that you should have bought those for her too. I would say well you said you wanted silver so I bought you what you wanted. How was I to know you would think copper is prettier? I think you should appreciate that I bought any for you at all instead of complaining to me. It hurts me when you are never pleased with what I do. When you think that I purposely chose salt and pepper shakers that are uglier then mine. Also, tell her that it upsets you and hurts you when she makes comments about how much money you spend. You spend money the way you want to. See what she says.
Yes, you can get shingles from stress. Better have it looked at asap. So you can start medication so it won't get so bad. Worse it gets more pain you have. You could also have chickenpox. Unless you had that as a child. Same virus causes both.

Sleepless here not sure why. Guess have alot on my mind.

Hugs
Cindi

Dear fellow caregivers,

Cindi, first off, do not take your sister in. I will be in fear that you will go over the edge. You are just like me, you just keep taking more and more on. Please take care of yourself.

Well my Mom is the BIGGEST B*** THAT EVER LIVED. Today we went over to the new house to arrange the furniture that she does have over there. Sofa, loveseat, small dinette, etc. My husband and I found out yesterday that her dinette was not going to fit where she originally planned for it. So, instead of telling her that, I told her that we were going to arrange her furniture and possibly have to find a new spot for her dinette. She didn't say anything till we were on our way there and then she started making comments to the effect that my husband should have known better, and she wants her stuff where she wants it, etc...Well, it made me so nervous that I couldn't stand it. When we got there we changed things around and wound up putting it where she wanted but need to get a smaller tv stand so that it don't run into her dinette. When we were leaving she noticed a pair of salt and pepper shakers I just bought. I bought her a pair also. Hers is silver and mine are copper. She wanted silver. When she noticed mine, she said I picked something prettier than hers and I should have gotten her the same one. When I told her she told me she wanted silver, she didn't recall. It infuriates me so, that I can't stand it.

On the way home I told her that she made me so nervous that I could not stand it. I told her she is not appreciative of anything and she wants everything right now. She wouldn't even let my husband put beer in her refrigerator until mine gets moved by the moving van. She said that the beer is dirty and she doesn't want her refrigerator dirty. I told her if she told my husband that, he will never do anything for her again.

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE. Can you get the shingles from being nervous, because I have terrible pains all over my back. I can't touch it, it feels like sunburn.

I refused to cry today, because it does no good. I want her to understand that she is getting ready to lose me all together. She thinks thats impossible. She has pushed me to far over the most stupid things.

I am so very sad that I wasted 20 years of my life on these people. I don't expect to get anything in return except respect.

She even made a comment about me spending more money than I usually do. I told her I'm not asking you for any. She said that hurt her that I came back at her like that.

I CAN'T WIN.

mARYLYNNE

Oh gosh. Cathy, I agree with Marylynne. He probably needs to go to skilled nursing for rehab til he is strong enough. You didn't fail him. He just needed more care then you or he knew. He definitely can't go to the bathroom by himself, now.
Hope the rest of you girls are okay.
Mom woke up dizzy 3am had me up. Doesn't feel good today resting alot. Dad seems to be sleeping all the time now. Decided to keep a log. Doesn't even turn the tv on during the day lately. Trying to look for a place for my sister to stay. Brother coming over tonight to discuss sister with mom and me. Don't really think sister can take care of herself either yet she won't get help. A worry.

How are you doing Marylynne? Donna...thinking of you.
Judy, 16.00 an hour is not bad at all. You must have partial care cause it would cost lot more for 9 days of full care. Lucky you get some covered at all. Nice to have something to look forward to.
Been staying home with the old people last few days. Real quiet seems like everyone else is partying etc. Glad I got out on Friday at least. Get my eye exam tomorrow. Optometrist...need more contacts. Back to work.

Hugs
Cindi

Cathy,

You tell the people at rehab that you cannot take him home like that. If he can't get along any better than that, they will put him in skilled nursing. He is allowed 100 days per year in skilled nursing. I know that for a fact. Check it out and let me know.

Marylynne

Hello Ladies,

Not a good day yesterday. Dad fell in the bathroom. Took him to the hospital. They kept him because of elevated numbers in his blood work. I think he needs more rehab. He has no strength. I feel like I have failed him. I don't know if I can take care of him the way he needs to be taken care of.
Have to go back to the hospital now. I got home at 3:30 this am. Its 11:30 now. I don't want him to come home now. I don't think it is safe.
Cathy

Donna,
I am sorry that you are feeling so bad, upset and angry. It is groundhog day most of the time for me too. It is sort of a catch because I do have a break from it I get upset because I have to come back to it and have no idea when it end or how long I can go on...what will I do anyways if I didn't do this...etc. My friends just don't know how good they have it. I wonder if I should have just let my dad be in a nursing home and mom in active senior home. Knowing me I wouldn't fair well, my conscience. At least now I offered her to stay here, she isn't abandoned if she wants to leave I would let her in a heartbeat. It is really difficult if not almost impossible to be loving, kind, patient, giving to these parents especially when most often they are not loving, kind, patient, appreciative back. In fact, many times they are awful. On top of it all we have little or no life. You don't get out hardly at all Donna. I don't see how you can go on like this. Frankly, if it's this bad and whole family is affected and you are becoming indifferent, resentful etc...(and I can understand why) once again, maybe it's time to reconsider and put her in a place that can care for her. You take care of her from a distance..meaning not in your home. Had to hear my mom rant on this am about how her life is miserable how she made mistakes, how each of us kids have problems, how the caregiver's child almost tripped her last night in the kitchen and there would have been a funeral. I told her I can't find anyone else that is as dependable, reliable and flexible. She almost wasn't helping me by giving me a name and number of someone who might be able to do it sometimes. Seems like you and Marylynne have the least amount of respite from all this. But, even those of us that do have respite still come home to the same. We are all giving up a major part of our life. I get out for my sanity I have to. I am a real social person and am use to going going...not being home with 2 parents. She is always beliitling me about going places unless I am doing something for her. I hope you are going to be okay, if you continue having your mom. She sure doesn't even try to listen or cooperate unless you tell her off.

Marylyhne, I don't know what to say. Really bad when husband and daughter feel this way and you have to go out to separate dinners. I really hope the addition helps some or else you won't be doing this too much longer. It is difficult enough but when parents manipulate us, guilt us, criticize etc...it becomes too much. When they dictate your life completely...too much. It is hard to know what to do. Is it their senility, their dementia that is causing such bad behavior? Do we cast them off to a facility to let them care of our parents. I mean afterall they get breaks. Not the same nurse aid all the time etc. How good will they take care of them? Then again, how good are we taking care of them if we have heavy and hateful resentful hearts? I think in the end it is us that is doing this to ourselves. I guess the choice though hard is ours to make. You can only take or do so much before you drop or they do. I know you all are doing the best you can. But is it time to reconsider?...AT what cost do you keep going on this way? What is right what is wrong. When is enough enough?

Cindi

Dear Donna,

Groundhog's day it is. I know just what you mean. My mom found out that my brother had a BBQ and didn't invite her and my dad. I would have gladly dropped them off, it was in the same area my husband was going to his BBQ. BUT NOOOOOO, he couldn't do that. That's because he didn't want them there. My mom got her feelings hurt, but not bad enough to stop talking to him. I'm sure I will vomit next time she is on the phone with him saying its nice to hear your voice, and doooo call us some time. PUKE!!!!

I am mad as hell and showing it.

Cindi, my mom does have a long term care policy, but has used most of it up in the last 20 years. We do have a sitter that comes in 3 hours or so here and there. But when she comes, my mom wants to go with me wherever I go, so it is no outing for me. If she is with me, its just misery. When we move, I will lose this sitter, she will not drive the interstate.

On Sunday, we usually take my Mom out to eat with us and leave my Dad home for an hour or so by himself. As long as he doesn't get out of his chair, he is alright. BUT, and here is the big BUTT, my husband and child hate my mother sooo bad, that I feel it unfair to take her and its her only day to eat a dinner out. So, I tell my husband to take my daughter somewhere she would like to go and I take my mother to eat a dinner and bring my dad back one. This has been going on for countless years. So, I am missing out on everything. But, I refuse to make my kid miserable having to be around her. I would rather me not go, than to make her miserable. I will not do this to my kids.

Cathy, tread very lightly with Dad. Decide what you can handle now and stick to it. It's a whole new ball game and a chance at changing some things while you can.

Love to all my girls,

Marylynne

my hubby and I spent a few hours for the 4th at a friend of mine i used to work with it was real nice we had dinner and some drinks and i went to bed with a headache pink lemonade with vodka slushys. Still having the BM problem with Dad, stool softener and prune juice again. This week has been nothing but getting up early because Dad can't seem to tell time anymore. Like this morning I was in the bathroom and hes yelling for me it wasn't even 8 oclock and he thought it was past 8. The other morning it was 6 oclock and his shoe was stuck in the bed. No rest for the wicked i guess.
Marylynne and Donna sorry you didn't get out for the 4th, maybe labor day.
Cindi the home care i have coming is going to be covered by insurance total $800.00 for 9 days. $16.00 an hour.
My son came home from camp today glad to have him home.
everyone have a good night,oxoxox Judy

hi everyone,,,,,,,,,,i am so tired of people saying to me, Have a good holiday weekend. it is just like the movie groundhog day, every day is the same. there are no holidays, no fun, nothing but the same old crap day after day. Today mom got up and couldnt breathe too well. has had trouble breathing all day, but refuses to go to e r, because of the deal last week when they did nothing. nothing new about that. no use in seeing doctors, they are all in it for the money, have no interest in the people. It is my opinion that she should be admitted to the hospital for observation, but, of course there are those "medicare guidelines", which a bunch of senators whohave never in their life been around sick old people make up. no wonder politicians are so hated.
Last night she kept me up most of the night, thus my worse than usual mood. There were fireworks going off and she thought that it was my son doing it. it wasnt, but then she saw the police outside on the street and thought that they were after my son, who was in bed. then she came in and told me that they had taken him to jail, and wanted to know what i was going to do about it. i said nothing, just let me get some sleep. well, two more times she got up and came to my room, telling me about the fireworks hitting the house, which they were not. finally i said, go to bed and stay in bed and stop this jumping up and down. she was angry, but i didnt care, by this time it was 5 am. i just got up and forgot about sleep.
anyway nice that some of you could at least celebrate a little, and marylynne and i celebrated GROUND HOG DAY, LOL. love, donna PS also angry because my sister in law and her son, my nephew are at the lake having fun, and i am stuck here, but when asked about my sister in law, my mother is so crazy about her. but i am the scapegoat for all of her anger. My nephew is the golden child, and can do no wrong, but you dont see either of them coming and sitting with her and letting me have a break. I HATE THEM ALL. my sons dont help much either. it is me and me alone. AND I AM SO TIRED OF ALL OF THIS. my depression is unreal. cant do anything i want to do.

Hi Marylynne, aw sorry that you couldn't go with husband and daughter to that bbq. That's when you really feel it. The inability to move freely. I wish you could hire a caregiver. I don't know how you do it, Marylynne. Last night went to dinner with a girlfriend, her husband and my husband. We do not do this often where we both go out (husband and I). So, it is special to us. Hired Maryann the caregiver. We were gone from 6:30-11:45 and paid her $55.00. She does bring her young child with her (makes my mother nervous sometimes but mom stays mostly in her room). I have tried finding others but they charge too much. She is very dependable too and flexible. When we go out like this it does affect the money that is alloted for days away. Like last week and the rest of this month I have to take some time off at night when husband gets home so it's not very much of time away cause I still have to attend to all their needs then go out by then I am tired. But money is short cause we have some functions to attend...this dinner last night, a wedding in a few weeks those hours add up and take all the money. It wasn't easy getting money from my mother and she still complains about it. AS I said before she gives me 8 hours (1 day a week) for time away equivalent to $80.00 how I allot that money is up to me. Can your mom and dad afford that? Or will they do that? It has to be harder on you cause you have a young one still too. Thank God, my daughter is away at school. When daughter is here, Mother asks for less cause she knows I am tending to daughter too. If they both lived here..it would be something. Daughter is use to my attention too. You know as I write this I see that I cater too much to everyone. But, I do ask for what I need too. It's 8:03 am and I have been up since 5am. Having breakfast now. Dad wakes up between 9 and 10. Mom is up by 7am. She must be sticking to her room. She does that more in the am's when husband is home.
Dinner was nice last night. Saw some fireworks too. Ate by the harbor and could see the fireworks from there. Pretty against the water. We usually stay home so this was different for us. Had to cook for parents anyways and fed them before I left. All caregiver had to do was give dad his bedtime meds and let the dog into his crate. Easy money, huh? Not always that easy though. But dad, is much easier then mom.

Cathy, I am laughing a bit. They sent home a strange man to you, huh? Hope he doesn't continue this way. Sometimes surgery can change them. Hopefully not for you. Think you are right he got spoiled in the hospital. Do what you can and decide what things you are going to have him do. Let him try it. Encourage him somehow, dang bribe him if you have to! Set up your bondaries around what you can and cannot do and what you will and will not do and what he has to do.
Otherwise, he may get use to this and you will be up sh*t creek.
I'm sure you will figure it out soon...(a way that is) Glad dad was well enough to go that bbq! Maybe it was just all a bit too much and tiring for him and made him act more needy.
Thinking of Donna, Judy and all the other fellow caregivers.
Husband is snoring away...geesh
I'm tired but can't sleep more for some reason...maybe I will lie down with a book again for a bit...

Have a good Saturday...
Cindi

Hi Everyone,
The Fourth was nice here. Dad went to the BBQ with us. It was good to have him there. He asked to go home around 8:30. Took him home and told him I would be back soon. I made sure he had everything he needed. 5 mins later he called my friends house because he could not get the legs off the wheelchair. I said I will be home in an hour. He said I'll be in bed by then. I said you need me to get in bed. He said I want the legs off. Hubby went home and took the legs off and told him not to get up, Cathy will be home soon. Got home so he could go to bed and I could sit in my house. He said I'm not ready to go to bed. AAHHHHH!!!!!!
At 2 am, CATHY I NEED YOU!
I go in he has peed through everything.
Change bed , change dad and try to go back to sleep, yeah right!
I know it is only the second day home, but holy cow. He better realize that I am not an entire nursing staff and soon. The hospital spoiled him. He dosen't want to do anything for himself, I should do it.
He says thank you and that he knows all that Ido for him. That makes it easier. The therapists says to make him do things. How do you make an82 year old man do things?

Sorry I know you all live this everyday. I just had to vent. They sent some strange man home with me. This is not my dad. I want the other one back, I like him better.

Hope you all have a nice saturday
Hugs , Cathy

Dear Girls,

Didn't go to any BBQ sent my little one with her dad to a family BBQ. Stayed home with the old people. The BBQ was about 1hour and 20 minutes away. And there is no one here if something goes wrong. Took mom to Mcdonalds and fed dad a Meatball sandwich. Now Fed dad again and Mom is laying in bed with cramps in her stomach. Has irritable bowel syndrome. Was hoping to go eat with Hubby when he gets home, but waiting to see how mom feels. She is scared to be here with my dad when she don't feel well.

Just another day in paradise.

Hope ya'lls was better than mine.

Love Ya,
Marylynne

Happy 4th of July Girlfriends and caregivers!

Hope no matter what our struggles we all have a nice, joyful, relaxing day with our loved ones.
Donna glad your day is going calm hope it stays that way.
Cathy, sounds real good that your dad likes his home heath person, it will all work out. Have a nice bbq.
Marylynne, Have a good day! Feeling like I should be bbqing too!

Love to all
Cindi

Happy Fourth to Everyone,
I hope you all have a beautiful day.

Marylynne, the home health care starts today. We will see how it goes. The nurse that is coming has worked with dad twice before. He liked her. She has to come and help change dressing on a wound next to his incision today. I did it by myself last night. I hope I did it right. No one really slept last night. I hope we have better luck tonight. Do you have plans for this weekend? Try to enjoy the weekend. We have a BBQ this afternoon. We will see how that goes too. How is the house? Do you have a move in date. Are you close by to check on it regularly?
I will be thinking of you.

Cindi, thank you for the good wishes. My prayers are with you. I hope you are able to find some peace in your life. Please try and enjoy the weekend.

Judy, My dad is 6'2" and 215lbs. I'm 5'7" and I won't say weight.(haha) He is dead weight(no pun intended). He has very little strength. If he goes down i'm going with him. It is like trying to hold up a tree.

Donna, I agree. I am very fortunate to only have one parent to take care of. I don't know if I could handle two. I told my husband. When it is time to take care of your parents we will help, but your sisters are incharge. Can't and won't do it again.

To all other caregivers, Have a great weekend

Hugs, Cathy

Hi girls,
Cindi, sounds like everything is not going your way. Dont know what you can do about sister tho, because, it is family, and we have always been told that family has to take care of each other. this is not true. a myth. we dont have to take care of people who we cannot tolerate. and you are right. my mother is getting worse, and meaner and more despicable daily. and on the uti thing, the urologist told me that the worse problem he has with elderly female patients is improper wiping. They are wiping from back to front, which in turn cause an ecoli infection. and on weight, i am small like marylynne, but only got that way since i have been caring for my mom, as i am too wired to eat most of the time.
Judy, thinking of you and your bm situation, thanks be to God that soon you are going to take a trip and get a little respite from the old folks. I am so fortunate that i only have one instead of two to deal with. my heart goes out to u girls who have mom and pop. Of course, it seems like older men are easier to deal with than the women. Do we have this to look forward to? marylynne, your new home will be wonderful, if nothing else will keep you at a distance, part of the time. I know however, that it will be much work for you. wish i were near you and could help you. it has been a fairly calm day for me. the only real problem so far has been that she put my best bra, white, in with some colored clothes and it looks like it may be grey now. oh well, victorias secret has a bunch of them. will buy another. luvya Donna

Judy,
gosh thinking ahead how does life get to be all about having a good BM or not? We are reverting back to infancy. My daughter use to have troubles with constipation etc so I had to give her a baby glycerin suppository or stick a thermometer in her rectum to get it going. Sorry, for the graphics but you get the idea. It has to be hard for your dad to take your scornful Mom. My dad had to take it from my mom too. Sometimes, she still bites into him and I tell her to stop it. That is how they knew something was wrong with dad. He never spoke back to her until the altzheimers and then the fights began! She would threaten to hit him with a stick or his cane etc. Terrible.
Marylynne, I wish I were petite like you hun, I won't even say how much I weigh!
Things are progressing with the bariatric stuff. I am afraid though. I am getting down on myself about not being able to control my emotions and eating and getting in this predicament in the first place. But, that is the only way I have survived my life to be honest with you. Did the best I could with what I had and now it's taken me here. Not a good position now. Life is crazy around here again. More then usual that is. My sister has been in contact with me and she needs a place to stay etc. So everything is weighing down on me. Even though I am working on taking care of me it is very difficult. I don't know why I feel I have to help. Actually I need HELP!!! Okay enough about that.
Taking Mom to the dr today to go over the xray she had done of her arm. She is still having bad pain. I have no idea what this is and neither have the drs. On top of that she now has a female infection from all the antibiotics and possibly a uti. Seems like it is common. I know Donna says that her mother has them all the time.
I wonder why.
Marylynne, your new house will be fine hun. You need something for yourself. Make it pretty and homey for you. The old folks won't be with you forever...believe it or not. They will have their own quarters can you hire someone to tend to them at all?
Cathy, good luck with the return of Dad. Glad he made it through the surgery etc. It will take some adjusting and a lot of work and patience. Sending good thoughts your way. Ty for the birthday wishes.
Donna, I think the problem is that your mom's senility and dementia is getting worse so her behavior is increasing. When it gets too much for you, might be time to consider taking care of her in a different way, like seeing her needs met while she is in another facility...private care home, or the other...
Marylynne, about the wandering. Dad hasn't done that yet. I bought her a medic alert bracelet. I got the application from the altzheimers association. It has some information on it in case he wanders. He is also registered on the altzheimers association list with a code so someone can call the number and they will take care of it. Maybe your husband and his brothers can get one too. Also, might be time to take turns staying up at nights with her as well as being there during the day. Maybe they can hire someone to stay the nights?....just to make sure she doesn't leave? Does she have a bathroom in her room so they could maybe lock her in her room in the nighttime? Good luck....hard.

Hugs to all the other fellow caregivers out there...Anita, Minion,

Cindi

hey girls, its funny marylynne that you say he weighs more then he is, my dad is 141 lbs and he weighs a ton. i told the social worker that was here that if he falls to call 911 because it takes an army to pick him up.
looks like its going to be another BM day. He just isn't satisfied hes been going I JUST DON'T KNOW.
dad and I had a talk about mom last night and I figured out at least I can escape when she get cruel and he can't I falt bad for him. He said that she seems to be treating you better I said that I refuse to engage in negative conversations so she gives up. Its really getting to him but i told him he is not healthy enough to move anywhere if she is not happy then she should do something.
Later, Judy