My mother has lived with us for 3 years now. She has her own apartment downstairs with a private entrance. She has severe hearing loss and hearing aids do not help much. She has a curvature in her spine, but was fine until she fell over 3 years ago and now does not trust her legs to hold her up. She has all but completely withdrawn from any interaction with the outside world. She will go to the grocery store weekly, but not much of anywhere else. My husband and I ask her continuously to go places with us, but she refuses. She uses her hearing as an excuse. She is afraid of everyone who comes to our house, and will leave the room if anyone comes over. She sets in the dark most times and does not talk to anyone except the dog. I'm an only child. I don't know what to do to help her. Should I try to contact her doctor and talk with them about how she chooses complete isolation?
Hope you had a good weekend.
Cathy, I feel for your Dad. My Dad is in a nursing home with Dementia and sometimes he says he wishes he could come home. So sad. We just found out today he has MRSA. Swell, just what he needs.
Judy, don't you just love it when parents reveal themselves? Kind of saves you the trouble.....
Susan, I'll say a prayer for your Mom and one for you to remain strong.
Marylynne, I hope you had a great time last night and were able to forget your troubles if only for a little while.
Donna, I'm so happy your son stopped by. What a lift! I hope he comes by again real soon.
Cindi, I'll pray things get better for your sister. You have enough on your plate.
Maria, I know what you are going through. Since my mother moved in, I have to answer to her all over again. I hate it.
Tonight I went to a Chinese Buffett for supper and here's what my fortune cookie said:
"The difficulties of life are intended to make us better, not bitter"
Yeah, right. Somebody tell me the secret on how to make that work. Tell me how not to feel hate, because I feel it everyday. I feel bitter everyday. How do you make it stop?
Love,
Sha
They were not able to retrieve much from the hurricane and had help from strangers and people that the family contacted. My brother in law didn't ask for government help they did it on their own.
Had the graduation party yesterday it went well only a few didn't show. My son was happy with it.
After everyone seeing my parents at the party now I think they have a better perspective on what I am dealing with.
Tomorrow I will have another thing to deal with I will explain more later oxoxox Judy
Exsuce any mistakes I make in this. I am completly emty right now.
Hope everyone is doing something for themselves to help releve the stress of all of this that has been handed to us.
I got my pain block in my neck Friday 18th. Got mom into the hospital for her surgery to take out the invasive cancer. Thank God we believe it is all gone!!! I stayed at the hospital from 6:30am Monday with my Courtney (12 year old daughter) til Wed. when I broke. I was in the bath room crying and the nurse told me I had to go home. Courtney had been with her sister, thank God Tue. and Wed. night. So my neice Julee, when I called her at the last minitue, pack and came to stay with mom. Mom, has called me her mom, the doctor, the stealing help from the hospital. It seem to get worse at night. Nurses said it is called twilight or sundown. Last night my oldest daughter was to stay with mother, I had taken two day and night shifts again. She never showed. I have my cousin that has always been like a sister to me going in tonight.
I have never felt so helpless in my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We got the cancer, now we have to recover. One day at a time.
I love all of you, thank you for giving me a safe place to put out what I am feeling,
Susan Myers
Tonite, I came in from picking my 12 year old up from a friends house. My mom told me I really need to leave a light on in my den so she can see from her addition into the den of my house. I said Why? She said what if I got sick and needed to call an ambulance, that's the front entrance of the house. Her entrance of the house is right in the driveway, so I told her the ambulance would come straight to your entrance, not mine.
She use to sleep with the big light on in her bedroom at home, now since we live here the light comes through her window and lights up the entire room. Now she is complaining there is too much light in her room. My husband changed the blinds twice and she still is not satisfied. She is just totally nuts. How do you go from sleeping with the lights on, to not wanting the day light to come through your windows. She is never happy unless she is complaining.
I intend to get all her curtains up before I do mine, just so she will shut up and leave me alone. There will be a big fight this weekend. Going to a dance tomorrow night for the people who were in Hurricane Katrina. Its a meet and greet kinda of find out what happened to your friends and where they are now. I have my 12 year old staying home to babysit the old people. Sure I will get 100 phone calls.
I do promise one thing for tomorrow night. Anyone who asks, how my mother and father are and how is my new house, the answer is going to be fine, fine, fine. Because when they see me coming they know its doom and gloom, so from now on I am going to act like a happy camper.
Love,
marylynne
Sha, I can relate your mom is just like mine. Not a nice word to say and puts on a front when other people are around. I would like her to show her real side and she would shock alot of people.
Marylynne, just think of the terrific person you are as a mother, wife and daughter don't give your power away to the old people thats what they want, they wouldn't be the same without you.
Donna how's everything? oxoxooxJudy
You are just like me....I think the same thoughts. I too, have two brothers, who do totally nothing. One of them calls everyday to ask how I am doing. Why does he care, he wants nothing to do with my parents and does not want to help. My other brother, who I was very close to as a child, doesn't help either.
Last year I wanted to take a three day vacation and he promised to take them and changed his mind on the last day. An aunt saved me and stayed with them.
I, my mother and my brother all lost our homes in Hurricane Katrina, but who got both mom and dad, me..........How lucky can you get.
I think all the suicidal thoughts too, I know I won't act on them because I love my kids and wouldn't do that to them, but....If I die in an accident or something I want them all to know how miserable they made me, including my husband who is a good man but picks on me on the weekends, due to alcohol. If you know what I mean. He is wonderful Monday thru Thursday, but come Friday, Saturday and Sunday a real ahole. Has been like this 25 years of my life.
So lets recap, B*tch of a Mom, Very Sick Stubborn Father, Weekend Drunk husband and 21 year old daughter who has been giving me trouble since she is 2. My 12 year old is a blessing. Thank God for something.
Judy, I love you for being so confident. Wish I were like you. My brothers say I have a puppy dog face that even when I'm trying to be a b*tch it don't work for me. And remember they say I did this to myself.
When I write my letters to all who have hurt me they will get one also. I will say, yes I did this to myself, but it sure would have been alot easier with a little help from family. I so resent that they have their own lives and can do what they want. How nice it would be to get up and only take care of yourself and your own family.
Love,
Marylynne
Marylynne, honey, I read your letter about staying up late and I identified with you right away, only I'm the opposite, I go to bed at 8:00 so I can avoid her. I get home at 5:30, eat, visit with her so she can b*tch about her day with my father at the nursing home. Then I go take a bath and go to bed. That's the one place I know she won't bother me. Sometimes I hear her coming down the hall and I pretend I'm asleep. How bad is that? I just know I'm going to Hell for all the bad thoughts I have. She makes my life miserable. I haven't been happy since she moved in nearly 3 years ago. I'm very bitter. I have feelings of hate towards my brothers because they do nothing. Except my oldest brother, he lives 2 hours away in another state and he will take her to his house for a week from time to time. He's the only one I can count on. I can talk to him and he understands. But he can't be a big help because of the distance. So mom belongs to me and me alone. The other 2 guys can't stand her. But I blame her for being such a b*tch, her childern don't want to be around her. However, my cousins all think she's the best. And that's because she's different with them. I told one cousin, "The woman you know as your aunt is not the same woman I know as my mother." My cousin didn't know what to say. I don't think she ever realised there was another side to her. There is another very dark side to her that many people don't know about and I have to live with it every day and it sucks the life out of me. I've thought about getting counsuling to help me deal with my own anger but I wonder if it would help at all. So I just spend a lot of time in my room. At least there I know she will leave me alone. I'll give you an idea how bad I want to get away from her....last July I had surgery for breast cancer. It was a lumpectomy and I was able to go home the same day. The surgery was on a Thursday, I went back to work on Monday because I couldn't stand to be home another day with her. How's that one?
I sometimes wonder if she even realises what she's doing. Or does she think everything she says and does is just fine? There have been days I've thought of slitting my wrists and I would leave the most telling suicide note....everything would come out and I hope my mother would be miserable for the rest of her life knowing she was the reason for me taking my life.
Why is God punishing me?
Love to all,
Sha
Feeling overwhelmed because of sister. Yet, Mom asks me if I can please be patient til she is in her own apartment and gets medical help. It is taking a toll on all of us. Husband said this am that he is a prisoner in his own house. It made me feel real bad. Thing is she sees us everday or night. I don't want to hurt her and I know she is not okay but looks like I am going to do bondaries again. She has nowhere to go but to the condo she shares with ex fiancee. So, I do understand how she wants to away from there. Also, she is not cooking so she can get a hot meal here with family instead of eating out alone or grabbing something unhealthy. Even irritates my mom to have her here cause sister acts weird. So my mom just closes her door. My sister is not getting the hint so..guess I have to be a meanie (even though I know I'm not) and start telling her no more.
Today I am taking a day away. Haven't done it for a few weeks and I can feel it. Going to treat myself to a pedicure and told sister I would treat her to one for her upcoming birthday. Suppose to be a reasonable place according to a gf. Sister tried to rope me in to going to lunch, tea or a movie with her too. I said no. My day away is my day away from all family and even friends. Although sometimes I will go someplace with a friend. Told her I give and give all the time that I get dried up. This is the time where I do what I like and want and move freely. Don't have to consider anyone else. So, she then asks me to lunch tomorrow. Asked hubby if I could go and he got mad. He said she is trying to monopolize my time. HELP! Runaway...
Will read all your postings and respond later...til then...keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars...
and hang on .......
Hugs and have a smooth day...
Cindi
Do you find yourself staying up later and later at night just to be alone with your own thoughts. I am having a very hard time going to sleep, because I don't want to wake up in the morning.
How do parents become so selfish? My mom was always kind of selfish and mean, but was truly a good mother, until I left the nest. Then she started ruling me. First it was, please come see me every day. Then it was call 5 or 6 times a day. Then only after being married 4 years my dad had a major cerebral bleed that paralyzed him on his left side. Then she really became dependent on me.
I have done for them for 21 years, longer than I lived at home and fear that I will be doing this till they are 100 or my worst fear is dying before them or being to old to enjoy being without them when they die. My husband always told me that there would come a day that I would resent all I do for them and I used to say oh no...., I am doing this out of the goodness of my heart. I feel good doing this. He was soooo right.
I know this sounds horribly selfish, but I am becoming selfish. I know if I don't do for them, I will be miserable and I am miserable doing for them. There is no win in this game. I just want some sort of peace. God please let all of us have some kind of peace of mind.
Love you all and I really mean that,
Marylynne
I went out tonight with a friend and had a couple of drinks and please believe me, I was thinking of all of you and hoping you were having a good evening. At least an evening that was peaceful with no confrontations.
Mom was in a pretty good mood tonight, for that I am thankful. I sat with her for about a half hour and told her about my evening. She didn't say anything tonight that went up my ass. I consider this a good day! Tomorrow is another day and who knows what it will bring. But for now I am thankful for any good day the Lord can give me.
Marylynne, everytime I read your letters it could sound like it's coming from me. We sure do have the same emotions. The more I pray for God to take her the longer she'll live, I'm sure. I just want my life back, like it was before she came to live with me. I don't want to be treated like I'm 15 and I have to answer to her. I don't want anyone criticizing everything I do and everyone in my life. As God as my witness, I'll never do this to my daughter. I'll go into a home before I burden her.
I wish all of you a pleasant evening and a better day tomorrow. Remember, we have each other. There is strenght in numbers and we are an Army! God Bless us all and I will have you all in my heart and in my prayers.
Love and hugs,
Sharon
My dad seems to be better today even started walking around the great room with his walker, he was seeing things though a bus of army men go past the window and trees in his room on the ceiling and horses. I don't know what that means maybe its the antibiotic.
marylynne Cheer up we are with you always :) Judy
I, too, am like you sharon, I will die and she and my dad will go right after me. I told my husband if anything happens to me, to give them back their money for their addition and tell them to go. I don't even want them at my funeral and I am going to put it in writing. And before I go I intend to write some nasty letters to them so that when I go, they don't have a clear conscience. Although their dementia will be where they won't understand it.
I HATE THEM!!!
i WANT MY OWN LIFE WITHOUT THEM and just time to be by myself with my husband and child.
Love to all,
Marylynne
I wish I could hug you all.
Love,
Sha
And when he is gone you can't replace him but you can have more houses.
She said who's going to fix the damage mind you there was none. All she is worried about is getting her money out of the house and its not even for sale.
She just doesn't get it. i told her she should be ashamed of the way she speaks to him and all she did was talk about the house.
I too wish I could have time alone with my dad without her around and that he could have peace in his last moments here. Glad to see that we have more people to share our stories with and there is strength in numbers. oxoxox Judy
Every Friday night my boyfriend and I go out to a little local diner and we vent to each other about our mothers and it make us feel good and sometimes we can even laugh about it because what they do is so stunningly ridiculous that you HAVE to laugh.
In reading your story about the police being at your son's, and the milk, could it be your mother is hallucinating? Maybe if you talked to her doctor about her meds. Tell her/him what's going on. The Dr. may be able to help you. It's worth a shot. Maybe the doc can up the dosage....know what I mean? wink, wink. :o) See?....humor. It's what keeps me going!
Love ya,
Sha
Cathy, think long and hard before you bring him home with the bathroom problems. and dementia, that will only get worse. hooray for you having some private time, to get things done that you wanted done.
need to take a nap while the beast sleeps talk later Donna
Donna, you and I have more in common than you know. I, too, have wished the same thing you wish every day. I get up in the morning and I hear her moving about downstairs and I say, "Oh God, it lives!" I keep hoping I'll come home and find she passed away during the day or in her sleep at night. Have I mentioned that I used to love to have parties but I don't anymore because she insults my guests? I can't tell you how humiliated I've been at times. She comes out with mean and hurtful things and I can't fathom how anyone can be so cruel. When I do have a gathering I usually warn my guests ahead of time that my mother can be vicious and unkind and I'd like to apologize in advance if she insults you in any way.
It is a terrible way to live. I'm on pins and needles everytime I have company because I know something is coming....eventually. I swear, when she does die, and she'll will live to 100, I'm convinced of that, I will throw the biggest party and have the best time! I'm also convinced that she will outlive me and I'll no sooner die and she'll die right after me.
love to all,
Sharon
Well its thursday, not sure how I got this far onto the week. I feel like I have missed a few days. My son has been away since tuesday(my in-laws) he will be back tomorrow. I have gotten so much done with no one in the house. Things I have wanted to do for literally years. I feel like a liberated person right now. It is only going to last a little longer though. Ok big guilty thoughts going thru my head now.
Dad is more stable now. He hates where he is, I keep telling him it would be no different anywhere else. I think I am finally at the point where I want him to stay there. Hi shot term memory is gone. He is not really gaining anything from therapy because he can't build on what he did the day before. His bathroom skills are getting worse. I don't think I can handle that at home.
I promised him that even if he staied there I would continue to be there for him.
I know we are in different situations, but I can relate to all of you. I have come to count on you all as my friends. You help me through difficilt times and I wish I couild do the same for you. I think of you all often. I hope you all have a good day.
Hugs, Cathy
Now, last night, i was in bed nearly asleep, when she came barging in my room and told me that there were cops at my sons apartment and i needed to get up and go out there. I looked out the window and didnt see anything unusual, so told her it was ok.. she said, you had better go out there RIGHT NOW. so i did, and there were no cops, he was in bed asleep. just this kind of bs is driving me to the nuthouse. today she said that my bf left the refridgerator door open and the milk got hot i have no clue who did, but i would imagine it was her. she is so negative so negative and,,,,,, i am so sorry to say this, never admitted it before, but each morning i wake up, and hope that she has died in her sleep, and i will not have to face another day with her. I think that this is wrong, but cant help my feelings.
Cindi, so sorry that you are down. and i can tell you are. Marylynne my dear friend, hope the day is treating you as well as can be expected. Judy, hope dad is doing better and mom is being nice for a change. maria, you have a better attitude than i do, keep it up, i need your reassurance. love you girls, Donna
I'll pray for you, me, Cindi, Donna, Marylynne and all the others who are in our prediciment. I only hope it gets easier for all of us. I keep hoping my mother will mellow out as she gets older but it seems like she's getting worse. She's always been an argumentive person and loves to start one. But I'm just like my father, I walk away from an arguement. It's just not worth it. I have learned to pick my battles. I remember my Dad would say, "That woman loves to argue." He wasn't kidding. He used to spend most of his time in the garage puttering around just so he could avoid her. I find myself doing the same thing. I have taken non-credit class at my local community college just to get out of the house and avoid talking to her because most times our conversations head right into an arguement because she always has some comment about my friends or my boyfriend. She always has to put in that little "dig".
On the upside, I do get to go on vacations with my boyfriend without having to hear any grief from Mom. Last year we went to Disney in Florida and this year we are going to Vegas. My mother is happy for me and does not expect that I take her along. So that is one thing in my favor. Thank God for the little things, right?
I feel so close to all of you already. Keep the Faith!
Love,
Sharon
It's so good to hear from all of you. Your experiences and feelings about your parents are exactly the same as mine. And it is comforting to know I am not alone. I too feel like God will punish me for my thoughts of wishing she would die. But I can't help these thoughts because she has such a terrible disposition that she makes me think them. Every day when I drive up my driveway I'm hoping when I go inside I'll find her dead. My poor father, who was a great guy, is lying in a nursing home with dementia, and I pray for God every day to come for him for 2 reasons, 1. He'll be out of his misery and 2. My mother will visit her sister in Florida several times a year and I can have my house to my self for a little while.
I have at times screamed at the top of my lungs when I am alone in the house and I ask God, "Why did You do this to me? Why do I have this burden? Why do I have to suffer and my brothers don't? Why does she have to be such a b*tch? When the F**K is she going to die?" Then I pray for the strength to deal with it, I pray to hold my tongue when I really want to scream at her.
I don't know what it is with that generation that they feel they can still control their children even though we are in our 40's, 50's and 60's. My boyfriend's mother is a real pain-in-the-ass too. If she's not up her daughter's ass all day, she's not happy. She pisses and moans everytime her daughter goes out with a friend. They are just never happy.
My mother is always complaining that she is lonely. I'm sure she expects me to be her friend, but it's not gonna happen. So I told my mother last night she should join the senior center and she might make a friend. Her comment was, "No, I don't want to join anything because then everybody asks questions and wants to know where I've been. I'm 84 yeras old and I don't feel I should have to answer to anybody." So I turned to her and said, "Yeah, I know the feeling." I wonder if she got it?
I love being part of this forum...It feels so good to vent my frustrations to others who know exactly what I'm going through and putting up with.
Love to you all,
Sharon
Ply hope my parents esp mother stops complaining.
Sad we are in this.....
Night
Cindi
You are in such good company here. I wish I were dead every morning when I wake up and have to face my mom and my poor dad who was very sweet and now is a pain in my ass.
I know my parents will outlive me and just replace me like a job when I die. I can't stand the site of them and when I drop my mom off in front of a store or wherever we are going, I wish her dead when she gets out of the car. I fear for my life that God is going to punish me with all of the illl will I wish on these people. But, they have sucked the life out of me in these last 20 years. They have only lived with me 3 years, but 20 of it was doing whatever else I had to do.
My mom tries to tell me where I can go, what I can do. If I just walk out of the house to talk to a neighbor, she comes yelling for me, like I disappeared from the face of the earth. I got myself into this and now can't get myself out of this. Their death or my death is the only way out.
Dear God, help all of us girls who are trying to do the right thing by our parents and get nothing but shit and no life for doing it. I scream at God sometimes when I am by myself. Why doesn't he hear me and help me, even if its just to let me tolerate it a little better.
I never thought I would hate my parents. I will never do this to my children.
Love to all of my girls
Marylynne