My mother has lived with us for 3 years now. She has her own apartment downstairs with a private entrance. She has severe hearing loss and hearing aids do not help much. She has a curvature in her spine, but was fine until she fell over 3 years ago and now does not trust her legs to hold her up. She has all but completely withdrawn from any interaction with the outside world. She will go to the grocery store weekly, but not much of anywhere else. My husband and I ask her continuously to go places with us, but she refuses. She uses her hearing as an excuse. She is afraid of everyone who comes to our house, and will leave the room if anyone comes over. She sets in the dark most times and does not talk to anyone except the dog. I'm an only child. I don't know what to do to help her. Should I try to contact her doctor and talk with them about how she chooses complete isolation?
Hope you all are doing okay...
Cindi
God Bless honey,
Sha
My husband is in rehab this time because he has MARSA and two other bad infections in his wound on his foot where he had the two toes removed-he had been dicharged too soon from the hosp. and also from the nursing home-I tried to tell them but for some reason no one would listen to me-after all I was only the caregiver for him since about 1992-what do I know! He had to be readmitted to the hosp. and then to a nusring home for I.V. meds twice a day and serious P.T.- He could barely walk and very poor balance and the cops are getting tired of stoping doing their real work to come pick him up off the ground and floor and taking apart our cadalic of walk in tubs we had to get for his safety. I could not take him by car twice a day to the hosp. for I.V.s I did it years ago for 6 weeks every day and it was a nightmere once a day took most of the day and I almost ended up in the psych unit- which might not have been a bad idea-I would have gotten rest. We had our meeting with the social worker and team yesterday and he is comming home SEPT 6. He was very nice to me yesterday after me staying away for five days-maybe it was just the clean clothes and treats I brought he was happy with. He did not mention my ultrasound or my problems with R.A. and fibro-it will always be all about him-well s---- it I am blessed to have all of you to care about me. You are all in my mind and my prayers.
I want to thank you all for your birthday wishes and prayers for my biopsy.
I feel just like Marylynne though, I look at my mother and say, "this bitch is gonna outlive me, I just know it". I'm 53, she's 84 with no signs of slowing down. I'm cursed, truly cursed.
Her knee x-ray showed that she has arthritis and doesn't need knee replacement, which in my opinion is a good thing.
On Thursday, my Dad turned 87 and aside from his dementia, he's in perfect health. I pray he doesn't make 88 because he is living a miserable existance. I'd rather be dead than to live in a nursing home and be at the mercy of others. But with each passing day, I'm convinced I'll die before one of them. And now with another suspicious mammogram it just confirms my thoughts.
Marylynne, trust me, if your mother is anything like mine, it doesn't matter what you say. They are dense and they just don't get it. But maybe you could say, "It was your choice to have me, I didn't ask to be here." My mother constantly says stupid things too. I don't even want to go in to the unkind things she says. She's unbelievable. She's not afraid to say she doesn't like my taste. Well to hell with her. If it weren't for me she wouldn't even know how to dress. Her taste is terrible.
But yet she'll make a face when I buy something for my house.
I want this nightmare to be over.
Judy, Donna, Austin, Cindi, Maria, Marylynne, Mia...you are in my thoughts and prayers. Sometimes I feel I have no right to be here, my troubles pale in comarison to yours. My main complaint is I just plain old hate having my mother living with me. She's such a miserable person at times. I'm bitter. But it helps that I can come here and vent.
I hope you all have a decent day today....no BS from the family.
Love you all,
Sha
What is your husband in rehab for? And you are right about getting a back bone. I try every day to take a small step for myself. You know, just stand my ground with my mother, husband, daughter, etc. Mostly, I have always stood my ground with my husband, although it never changes how he treats me. Everyone has always walked all over me all my life, because they could. I am so easy going, I would do anything for anybody. My mom and I were best friends up until a few years ago. I don't feel the same about her any more and no matter how many times I tell her how she makes me feel, she does not care.
I hope my parents don't outlive me, I would like to have a life one day.
Don't worry about your ultrasound, got it covered in my prayers tonite.
Love,
Marylynne
While I was cooking dinner I thought of something I am going to say next time me and mom have a fight. I'm going to tell her Just because she gave me life, doesn't mean I have to give up my life to take care of her and my dad, and that is the God's honest truth. I wonder if that will even get to her.
Love,
marylynne
Bittersweet - You are in my prayers we go seperarly now to a reformed Church and prayers are very important and amazaling most are answered with good outcomes- I am having an ultrasound tomorrow because when I had my mammo there was dense tissue I am somewhat worried about it. Decor 426 it is never too late we have been married almost 46 yrs the first 7 months were good and I just finally got to the point that enough was enough and changed the diamactices of the marriage and got a backbone and said I will not be treated badly any more by you and slowely things are getting at least livable and everyone tells me how good I look and am finally excited about my life and not always so glum and depressed- it was very hard and my husband put up a lot of resistance but I am standing firm. Mlv your Mom said you were snoty -tell her your friends say you are a saint and we all love you.
Happy Birthday sweetheart. I will say my prayers that it is just what it is, a complex cyst. I have not had breast cancer, yet, but my mammograms come back abnormal every year. I have had three needle biopsies and the last mammogram 15 cyst in one breast.
I hope and pray for you that you will have just a cyst. Don't worry too much, you have been through all of this before and you are a strong person. Like my friend tells me every year with my mammo's What could you do about it? I always same Damn Nothing.
Had a trying day with mother today. She says such stupid things, that it is so hard for me not to say anything back. But, I do not say anything. Today she said, Your taste sure has changed since the Hurricane, I don't like some things that you pick out for the house. I said like what? She said, Lets not start arguing. I said Yeah, Lets not. My taste is my taste and yours is yours.
God, I'm not even allowed to have my own taste. She asked me something in the store and I answered her and she said I answered her snotty. This morning she was vacuuming her own den, which she has never before, and I let her, said If you see crumbs that I don't see why don't you clean them up. I said I don't see any crumbs. But I do.
My life revolves around being a Yes girl to everybody. I hate myself.
Love,
Marylynne
It's hard to lay down ground rules after they have been living freely and behaving like they do, I tried to have a family meeting sometime after we were living together and my mom would not have any part in it she said I am not going to be told what to do.
marylynne I too do all the cooking and 99% of the cleaning. Funny thing my dad said your mother is saying that I am annoying he asked me if he was. I said only when you yell for me 20 times and I am in the middle of something.
donna I'm sending you a BIG HUG !!! ( ) And everyone else a :) oxoxo Judy
Love, Maria
l
Tonight my boyfriend will take me to my favorite restaurant. I asked my mother to come too. I hope she behaves. I have not told her of the findings. I want very much for her to go visit her sister in Florida but if she knows I have this she won't budge.
Love,
Sha
None of you deserve to take any crap from ANYBODY. Sometimes what we need to do is just put our foot down. We need to assert ourselves, make our feelings known, lay down some ground rules and those who don't like it can go elsewhere. Where I'm from we call it "put up or shut up". I'm just so angry right now. This is so not fair. None of us asked for this but we got it anyway. Damn it all.
Today is my birthday and yesterday my mammogram was not good. I'm told I have a complex cyst and will go next week for a needle biopsy.
(Happy F'n birthday to me, right?)
If you have a moment, please remember me in your prayers. I know it's a lot to ask, but I don't want to go through what I did last year, enough already.
Love you all,
Sha
Do not give into daughter times 365. Got another nasty call from the husband-he knew I would not be home -he does not know what MY PROBLEM is. He will be comming home from rehab soon. We are having a meeting with the social worker today so I'll have to see him but going to the senior center today to sew cancer pads for an end of life hospital- we old ladies have a ball we laught for the whole three hrs.-each week I try to give hubby away- may have to sell him ob e-bay- ? I've been told I would miss him if by chance I outlive him which will not happen- HE has no stress-by the widows at the center-the ones who are divorced know I WOULD not. Talk to you all later- you all keep me going.
Tired..gonna try to get some sleep tonight....
Hugs and sweet dreams everyone
Cindni
I read all of your entries and Cindi, sweetheart, I feel for you. My mom and dad too, have a good bit of money tucked away and like you and Judy, I do not work and contribute to the household. My mom pays 1/3 of my electric bill, pays her own phone bill and a piece of the cable bill, but does not think she has to put in for the food bill. She buys her own little groceries, like cereal, milk, coffee, etc., but I am doing all of the cooking. I told her she should give me money for meat. I am buying two extra peoples food. She asked what did I think would be fair. I told her I didn't know, and I don't want to get down to figuring 1/3 of my food bill. They are so cheap and there is no way she could go through her money, unless the nursing home gets it, and she would rather see them get it than her own children. We have been begging her for 20 years to put her money in someone else's name so they could keep it for her, but she trust no one, no even me.
When you said they are never satisfied with what you do, that is the truth. No matter what they only think of themselves. When my daughter called to ask to come live home, my first thought was, NO! not another problem in the house. Then I started feeling guilty, like I was choosing my mom and dad over my daughter, but they did pay for their addition to the house. I told my daughter that I could not take any more havoc.
She said something today that made me realize that I raised a child that has no heart and no character. I always knew she had no heart, but I thought she had some character. She told me if she could have her old boyfriend back that she would not give the boyfriend she is living with a second thought. I can't tell you how this hurt me for this boy. She made a 6 month lease committment to live with this boy and bought a dog with him also. I told her if nothing else, if she leaves him, she needs to work to pay half his rent. He could have went and lived at home with his mother. She said, she didn't care. I told her right there and then, not to ever call me again. I told her I do not want to talk to her, that she has no character. I told her to find her own way and that she could not come home. I may regret this, but she has abused me all of her life and I can't take it anymore.
One thing that god has given me and I just figured it out. I have to much feelings. I feel for people too much. I am like you and Judy, I have never had my nails or toe nails done, never have highlighted or dyed my hair. The only luxury I allow myself to have is to buy knick knacks for my home. That is not doing it for me any more.
Donna, I laughed out loud about having to have something to do with your hands or you will choke your mother. I feel that way sometimes and I definitely love Sha's bag over the head thing.
My 12 year old said she threw pennies in one of those fountains in the mall and wished her maw maw would die for the way she treats me.
Donna, my mother also wants to outlive me. She is always making comments in the car when we have had some near misses, "kill yourself, but don't kill me". When I tell her that is horrible, she says "well"....
I HATE HER, I HATE HER, I HATE HER AND I DON'T WANT MY REWARD WHEN I DIE, I WANT IT NOW.
Hubby is still sick, worried about him and please keep telling me not to give in to daughter.
Love to all of you,
Marylynne
Judy, you enjoy your kittens, tell her to go ahead and die if that is what she would like to do.
love all of you, Donna
I went with my son to school and it took an hour and a half I am tired. He has a hard schedule to me he thinks only two classes will be tough.
Hubby has a cold, not feeling well but he never misses a day of work.
Dad is in pain and wanted me to call the doctor I told him that is why you can take pain pills. The hospital called to follow up yesterday that was nice.I try to tell him that he had the stone crushed two times real close together and that is why it hurts so much. I will have to go get his x-rays done tomorrow.
Money has been the focus in my family forever my parents made their life money and my Dad is tight and she is even tighter. We split the bills and I give her money and she writes the bills out, I pay the cable and telephone and don't ask her for any of the bill. I buy the groceries and she gives me some towards the bill but I am always running to the store for something.
She paid for the airconditioning repair and if I hadn't told her I didn't want to hear about the repair for the rest of my life I would still be hearing about it she thinks things should last forever and you shouldn't have to fix them. I put in new carpet in the great room and I will be paying for that in January.
Cindi, I am a stay at home mom too and don't have an income of my own my husband pays for everything. I used to work for a clothing store when I was younger for 7 and a half years, the I worked at Dollar General for one year, then I did estate sales part time, had to quit because of Dad. Thank God I am thrifty and not high maintenance LOL no manicures for me. I don't mind. Tho I wonder what it's like.
Take care of you and do whats best for you oxoxoxox Judy
I think that if she was my Mon she would be back in a senior residence asap!
Looks like a stressful day ahead. Just got back from Curves and mother sets in on me about leaving the light in the kitchen and living room on when not necessary. Then she talks about how I brought up once the cost of our heating bill that went up during the winter and how her big portable heating might need to be exchanged for a less powerful one or not kept on so much and since then her hypersensitivity kicks in and she feels she is the electricity monitor pointing out how WE waste electricity and makes our bill go up. She said that when she lived with my brother for six months she never had to pay anything and he never talked about electricity bills etc. I told her he has a lot more money and that I know she gives me money but I'm not making a profit off of her. That she offered me the money per month and the amount and that it is a good thing I took it cause it is helping with the costs of everything (didn't go into specifics but I am not feeding her my dad and my sister...they dont eat much but she is so picky I have to have a variety of food and cook everyday..have veggies cooked too etc). I finally told her she should go live with my brother then. (hah) He actually asked her to leave and put her in that senior residence where she lived for 17 months..out of which I took care of her and went everyday for 9 of those months before taking her in here. These people are so full of crap that I feel like leaving her..esp her. I told her that nothing is ever enough for her. I told her that she doesn't appreciate anything I do or appreciate me. She said see what would happen if she didn't have money? What would I do then? I said seeing that I don't have much I would do what I could and then ask my brother or the government for the rest. I said you do have some money though so why are you talking and worrying about it. Bottom line..she wants me to do ALL I do and pay for everything too while her money stays in the bank. That way she doesn't have to worry about running out etc. She was basically saying my brother did everything for free he paid her share. She said to me..."Taking care of me Hah" Which means...that I am not taking care of her cause she has to give me money for some of her care...right now I am angry at her and feeling very very stupid and unappreciative. I told you girls last week when I saw a pyschologist for my pending surgery she said I was either CRAZY or strong to take that kind of money in. Right now I am feeling crazy. After all the things this woman has said to me..after all the ways she was not and is still not and will never be there for me. After how she wants me to be there for her though...I should do nothing for her...I owe her nothing. And I wish I could do just walk away and be okay with it. Oftentimes I hear how we hate our lives... I don't have a life...at least not for me. I Live for her and dad and now sister. Why? Why do I continue on against all this negativity and ungratefulness...because I feel sorry for her...because I am compassionate...because I have love for her and know without my help she will suffer even more then she did at the senior residence...but it is hard so hard to be the bigger person...when she doesn't deserve it not one bit...at least not all this that she gets from me.
The nerve of that woman. She is trying to say the reason why my sister is suffering so is because of the bad times she gave my mom. She said her friend told her what goes around comes around. She said she hates to say that about my sister but it's true. Then I said well if that is true that I should get a lot of good happening to me. Then you know what she said? She said yeah, but probably when you die. I said what good is that then..if I get good things happen to me when I die. I am gonna take off soon from this woman...when and if I have this surgery I have to remember to take care of me and not her. I am so stressed out that I am not losing weight..I may not be able to get the surgery they won't do it unless I lose some weight. I can't lose weight I keep eating to get through this. Lord have mercy on me and help me...I wish the same for all my friends here...Not a good day girls for me already. Thankyou so much for allowing me to vent. It helps me last another day so I can give and be there for an unappreciative and ungrateful MOther.
I hope you all are doing better then me..
Cindi
My youngest has registration for high school today between 2 and 3pm. And after today he is grounded for a week. I wish I could ground my mom LOL.
Having some pains in my left side today and some other issues I may have to contact the doctors office for me next.
A friend of my son's went away to college over the weekend, my son is going to a local college in Oct.
Its scary how many people my need psyco help? Maybe I am next. Judy
My son and his daughter visited last night to celebrate her 18 th birthday and to say goodby- she is leaving for first year of college today- I actually got TWO hugs from her which never happens I almost cried- she said I'll be back in four months. Our son raised her from the age of 11-parents divorced when she was 5 and her brother was about 3 months. He did a great job her mother didn't want her anymore at that time. Thank God my son did not carry the abuse on which usually happen when they see as a child-I don't know how I got such great kids with what they and I had to endure--I think I can take some credit for that but it really was our God's providence for sure.
sent you a website for info on bipolar...sent it to your email.
if you want more just type in bipolar signs and symptoms and it will give you websites...good luck.
Hugs
Cindi
I hope you don't let your daughter move back in with you for it WILL be your undoing. Reason she can't move back in?....she is of age and needs to take care of herself, she already lived with bf not for you to have her move back in now that they have broken up, You cannot have another person move into the home cause you will not be well (tell her this too), you and her have had previous bad experiences including her hitting you and under no circumstances will you put yourself into the possiblity of that circumstance again. SHE NEEDS TO FIND HER OWN PLACE TO LIVE...EVEN IF THAT MEANS SHE RENTS A ROOM. YOU LOVE HER BUT YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF..AND SO DOES SHE. SHE NEEDS TO LEARN HOW TO TAKE CARE OF HERSELF THROUGH YOU MODELING IT.
Take her to pyschiatrist for a mental evaluation with a history of signs and symptoms.
Love you..and forget about that bridge.
How are you? Donna, I love the chair thing, I have to use that one.
Cindi, Hope you are doing good.
JUdy, when stint comes out he will be fine.
Sha, Tell your mom to visit her friend, I wish my mom had a friend.
Mia, Parents love to tell their children nasty things. No one will think any thing of you except you are a good teacher.
Well, stopped physical therapy already. Dad took a small spill after first physical therapy. Told therapist, he is too weak for all of that. Occupational therapist gave him a shower today, and said she will do that once a week till we find an aide. 21 year old daughter told me she is leaving the boyfriend she is living with to go out with old boyfriend and she wants to move home. If she comes home, I will literally jump off the Mississippi River Bridge. She creates havoc if she is in the house for 10 minutes. Stupid boyfriend told her to go and see what she wants and he will be waiting for her with open arms when she figures it out.
I HATE MY LIFE!!!
Donna, my car is broke too. Put it in the shop today to change all the belts. Of course, they found 10 other things wrong with it and the price tag is $1,300. I told my husband, we can't get ahead for nothing.
If you hear of a New Orleans woman jumping off the bridge it was me.....I love my daughter, but can't get her back into the house. She said why would you take maw maw and paw paw in, but not me. Don't have an answer for that one, except my Mom and Dad didn't hit me, my daughter does. Thats why I want to know about bi-polar disease. Someone give me a little info.
Going to find that bridge.....
Love,
Marylynne
Sha, I didn't know your father was still alive. Does he live with you too or in a nursing home? Hard on him to have his foley changed every month that area is sensitive. Sometimes, I wonder it is worth living longer when the quality of life is low. Sorry, your Mother is feeling down. I think it would be great to have her spirits lifted by visiting a friend. I know that I have to consider taking mom out or dropping her off for entertainment at her old senior residence so she can visit, brings little cakes over and watches the entertainment. They get bored sitting in their rooms etc. Can't blame them. As far as the knee replacement. How old is your Mother again? Is she pretty coherent and physically strong besides knees? I myself, have had two knee replacements and they were the hardest things I have ever personally gone through...(meaning me myself for myself). I had bone to bone in both knees starting at age 35 and then finally had them replaced at age 46. I suffered greatly and went downhill slowly. Before the surgery I was shopping by electric wheelchair and I walked with a cane short distances. The surgery gave me a new life cause I could walk pain free again. If not for the surgery I could not do what I do now. They did the right knee in 2005 and the left knee 9 months later in 2006. The surgery afterwards is very painful. The rehab is grueling and painful. I believe the shorter you are the harder the rehab. My father had the surgery and did not have a good result because unbeknowst to us he had altzheimers and couldn't follow through with the instructions and rehab well. He was 81. But luckily he had it though cause he uses it to walk...the other knee (Left one) also needed to be replaced but decided not to. Good luck to mother you will need to decide whether the recovery is worth the surgery. It is one of the most painful surgeries to overcome.
Donna, I am sorry about your car being broken and the finances. We have our own finacial problems too. I know how difficult it is and can be. Everything happening all at once and how are you suppose to pay, survive, cope. I'm glad you have your boyfriend to talk and maybe help in some way. It is overwhelming for you right now I can imagine.
Marylynne, I didn't know you can't take meds because of fast heartbeat. Geez, what CAN they do for you hun? Cause you need something. Must be something you can take along with talk therapy with a counselor.
Cathy, how are you doing? Son and husband and your Father? Is Dad getting stronger? Are you guys coping alright?
Austin you sound so nice welcome to our group and thank you for your imput and kindness. Sister does appreciate it thank goodness not like my mother. Sister will not be able to repay. She is in a bad situation, now Austin. I will probably always have to watch over her now, just hope she can get to her most highest functioning that she can.
Ply/Maria you have been quiet how are things, sweetie? Mom? Daughter?
Mia, Susan how are you all doing?
Have to take mom, sister dad and bird to the bird specialist today. Woke Dad up early and he is having breakfast now. We have to leave in like 20 minutes to CAlabasas which is 45 minutes away. Mom's bird is sick been plucking it's tail feathers. Then out to look for a sofa from Salvation army or something like that for sister. Tomorrow she goes to her first out patient pyschiatrist appt. I will go with her. Mom told me she would move out and let my sister move in...I said no. That was yesterday. There is no f'king way...(pardon my french...laughing...didn't really say it but thought it)...sister asked me if she could live with me and I said no..I would take care of her from afar...but she must get better. Told her if she moves in I will die. "Do you want me to die?" I asked her. Of course she said no. Then I said well I will if you do...cause I am starting to worry about me too. I might have told you guys this yesterday...laughing I can't remember...do you all think forgetfulness is contagious from your parents?
Remember to do at least one thing that makes you happy, and feel good. Love you all
Hugs
Cindi