Advice on how to deal with live-in mother?

Cindi and Austin, Thanks for your kind words. I agreed with my husband that the best thing to do would be to leave her totally alone today, but she came looking for me to start trouble. She wanted to know why she didn't have some kind of deed to the addition on my house. I said because it is an addition to my home. If I put you out, I would have to reimburse you for the money you spent. It took a while, but it finally sank in that she has no choice if I throw her out.

She would never hear of going in a nursing home. She is much to spritely for that. She said she would put my Dad in a nursing home and go live in a condo, but she said I would still have to get her drugs, groceries and take her to the dr. I told her, who said? I told her I have to do nothing of the sort and if she didn't straighten up and talk to me without upsetting me, she would have to go. There is no hope for her, she is too selfish. She is only concerned for her well being and not mine. She told me I have been resenting her and my father since they moved in with me 3 years ago. I told her I have been resenting them for 21 years. She didn't like that.

She thought she was out of the realm of me resenting her, she thought it was just my dad I resented. I told her she had the backwards.

I really laid it on her today, but to no avail I know.

Thanks for all your kind words, trying to stay tough.

Love,
Marylynne

Mlv
I am so sorry for what you are going through. Would you be able to tell Mom if she does not change her ways you will have her placed in a nursing home that might give her something to ponder- it does not seem fair she can make everyone else crazy- she is acting like a child-take it from me it is hard to be firm and stronge but it gets easier fast once you start standing up for yourself. She is really abusing you and your Dad. Someone needs to get through to her that her behaivor is unexceptable. Please try to find some refief for yourself each day. My heart breaks for you

Hi Everyone,
Marylynne, your mother will not give you permission to put her in a nursing home or somewhere else. You may think as a good mother she would do that to help you, her daughter esp since you are not doing well. But, she won't. You must do that for yourself, dear. It's okay. Nothing wrong with that. You are at the end of your rope and resenting her for it. Do they have enough for assisted living? Or private home? If not how about medi-cal/medicaid?
Donna, I'm sure it would be good to see my daughter, not her friend though...(laughing) and I don't want her to marry him!!! It is just more work for me and it gets me more stressed is all so mixed feelings but of course I want to see daughter. Glad your mother said something nice about wishing she could help you. Sounds like you are a good worker on top of everything else. Patient too.
Judy, sorry your dad is going up and down. Worrisome. You are a good daughter keep doing good by him and let him know how you love him. How is Mother coping with dad not doing well?
Maria, sounds like you are doing okay, I am glad.
Austin, seems like you are doing okay...keep that husband under wraps!
Mia, did your mother treat her other kids the way she did you with the emotional abuse, animal stuff etc? Your father does not deserve you. Do not let him abuse you. You don't deserve it nor should you take it. Pooey on him.
Mimi, good hearing from you. You are probably back in school now...

I'm doing okay, today uneventful. Doing the best I can.

Tomorrow dad has cardiologist appt. Elevator being repaired have to help him up the stairs..hoping it will be alright.

Hugs
Cindi

Girls, well today, i had it with my mother.

She puts his things in the bathroom for him to wash up in the sink. She gives him 1/2 hour to do this. When we were living in the other house and sharing one bathroom, she let him have a whole hour. She didn't care that I couldn't get in the bathroom. Well, anyway, she wasn't feeling good, so I put his things in the bathroom and left him around 10:45. She was rushing him out the bathroom at 11:00 and I told her he wasn't in there a 1/2 hour yet. She was being real mean to him. She told me to mind my own business that I was just giving him amunition to fight back with her. When I left the room, my dad said, I am leaving and I retorted, No BOTH OF YOU ARE LEAVING, I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANY MORE.

She did not remember how she yelled at me about the 1/2 hour thing, just that I said they had to go. She pouted all day, then at 5:00 she said I was a horrible daughter and that I have changed and that I have a sick mind and she has never caused any trouble with me, that it is me not her.

My husband said I am hitting my head up against a brick wall and for me to ignore her and not to fight back, but if I don't fight back I feel like I am losing a piece of myself. I poured my heart out to her and told her I loved them, but could not handle not having a life any more. I told her if she was any kind of mother, she would look at me and know I can't handle things and try to help me fix the problem we are in. She doesn't care. She only cares about herself. She makes only comments like "WHat about me", not you.

I am so very depressed tonite, feel like doing away with myself, like Miak. I can't win. I want my own life no matter what the consequence at this point. I may have to put them out and put ourselves in debt in order to pay her back for her addition to my house. My husband said it would be the best debt he ever got into.

Will let you know how tomorrow goes. Judy, thinking of you and all the girls. Like Scarlett O'hara said, "tomorrow is another day".

Love,
Marylynne

Hi everyone-I was trying to write a post thus morning but the screen went blank-it gladdens my heart how all of you with such horrible problems take the time to write who ever is hurting at the time and all of you are so good at it. In church in sunday school pastor was talking about kindness and I thought of all of you and told my best friend after before church about our group and she said I should have mentioned it in class-I should have done that-nothing too big with me -will come back in am. Bless you all.

I'll look for u shady and add u too. Judy, so sorry about your Dad. Hope everything turns out fine. Be thinking about you. Maria

to all my friends, well Dad is still in the hospital. The nurse called me at 4am and said it wasn't an emergency but that he was concerned about his blood pressure it was dropping. he had a doctor look and he didn't like how he looked so George and I went to the hospital and he was awake and talking but he was tired. We talked for awhile and then he fell asleep.
He misses me and begged me to take him home with me when I was there for dinner. I feel sooo bad. We went there for lunch time and he was sleeping. I left mom there and went home for a short while when I got back he was awake and ready to eat his lunch, he didn't remember me being there at 4 am he did remember George though. When he is sleeping he thinks he's awake and when he is awake he thinks he's asleep. He doesn't know if its day or night sometimes.
I'm sorry I have missed alot of your postings and can't catch up but I think of all of you and I wish you were here with me I could handle all this better for sure. oxoxox Judy

hi everyone, Maria (miak) i am so glad that you are feeling better, good thing that your dad is going to church, he needs some serious help.(not sure it is gonna help, however) Maria (ply) good to see you here. and you are both right....tell those who are close to you how much they mean to you. I do. even my mean old mom. I do love her, although, a lot of times i really hate the things she does and she makes me wish her death. Marylynne, see, you are not the only one. My friends, we have all been there i guess. Judy, hope dad is doing lots better. Thinking of you, hon. Cindi, my dear cindi, maybe your visit with daughter will be great, and maybe the boyfriend will be a joy to be around and you will forget the extra work brought about, because of the wedding. Mimi, good to see you here again. hope your day goes better than usual. Mine is ok, been working all morning cleaning and doing laundry. Mom is sitting in her chair, telling me how bad she feels that i am working and she cant do anything to help me. it is times like this that i feel sad that most of the time she is mean to me. I dont mind doing the work, that is what i do best. Ply, i added you to my friends list on pogo, look for me and we will play somthing. luv to all, and peace!!Donna

Cindi, thank you. I feel sad for all of us but my problems are nothing compared to what I read in this forum. Later, I don't know.

Maria, sorry about being called a spic. I have been called that before but never by a family member. My grandfather always threw it in my face that I was adopted but I always had a smart remark to give back. Be proud of who u are. Those people who call others names are worthless. If you are what your father says, then what is he doing with you? Nobody else would put up with his crap but because u are there and handy, he lashes out at you. Not making excuses for him, he is just plain mean and racist. You are right about telling our children how much they are loved and valued. I was told almost everyday by one of my parents that I was loved, maybe that is why I am such a brat. A brat that knows when to take responsiblity and I took it very young after my father died. I tell my children that I love them and also my friends. I learned the hard way that one day they are here and the next they are not. Please, if I ever offend anybody here, let me know. Sometimes I speak[write] without thinking. I just say what I think or feel. Everybody have a great day.

Maria

mlv no god doesnt punish you for your thoughts, actually he gives you credit because yes did think these bad thought but you used your self control and did not act upon those thought this is what he teaches us yes we are human and we as humans can and do have bad thought thoughts that if any one could read our minds we would probable go to jail for but also has humans we have choice and free will and self control. you used these tools and that is why god will not punish you he will reward you. he will reward all of us for using self control every day . cindi thanks for the words of encouragement . cindi as for why did my dad adopt me it was for 2 reasons first and foremost MONEY. tax credit money back more money in ssi , second if my (i think my mother was in her 50 when they tok me in ) mother was busy with a child to take care of all well as all the housework yard work she would be too busy to wonder where he was and who he was sleeping with, CHEATER so needles to say she did know what he was doing but instead of taking it out on him she took it out on me. Im not mad at her she did the best she could and in her own strange way she love me. she told me so grant it it took about 5 years in to the alzh to say it. Dont know it it was the truth but ill take it at face value and leave it alone. also try to have fun next week with your daughter try not to think about the extra work maybe the extra hands will help you. please do me a favor tell your daughter you love and value her not only as your daughter but also as a person. if more parents told there kids they were valuable there would be less bad relationships all around. for those who have good relationships with your parents tell them they did a good job for those of us who parents sucked i will tell you are a valuable person this world would be worse off if it was not for you and if you think nobody loves you then you are WRONG love your self and know that i love each and every one of you.ooh dont worrry i wont run my truck in to a tree what did that tree every do to deserve that. haha well have to go need to pick up the old man at church yes you read that right CHURCH i dont walk him in im afraid a big hole will open and we will both fall in im not going to spend my after life with him in HELL hugs and kisses mia

Dear Miak,

Please don't feel like you're alone with the way you feel. Everytime me and my mom are in the car together, I feel like running into a tree or something and end it all. I always think of my children, but somehow I think they may be better off without that horrid grandmother of theirs. I try to jump back into reality and remember that those are terrible thoughts, but it doesn't stop me from having them.

Today I was at the beauty parlor with my mother and when she walked away, I wished her dead and said it out loud. The lady who does her hair, said that was horrible. I hope god don't punish me for my thoughts. I have to believe that the way we feel and talk is all out of frustration and that god will do something for us to change the way we feel.

Keep going for you husband. He deserves a try at his new business and everything will turn around for the best. As for your dad, standing up for yourself may do no good in his book, but like you, when I blow up it sure makes me feel independent for a short time.

Love to all of you girls and hang in there. I need to follow my own directions. Notice how easy it is to give other people direction, but not yourself.

Love,
marylynne

Well Mia, you have had quite a day. Emotions/feelings off the richter scale. I feel for you. The fight you had with your father lives you emotionally drained and ready to do something anything to have the awfulness go away. Glad to hear you were just venting cause I was getting a little anxious about the things you were saying. Your father sounds bad very abusive and a bigot. Why did he adopt you if he was going to throw your ethnicity in your face. What makes him think he can do that...what makes him think his ethnicity is better then yours? That is mean, vile and low down. For that in my opinion he can go into a nursing home, directly to nursing home do not pass go do not collect $200.00 (based on the monopoly go to jail part of the game!)

As far as the house and foreclosure etc. You sure have alot of chit going on. Too much way too much. I also have hard time handling finances...always have. Not working probably makes it worse. So, I have an idea of where you are coming from. Do what you must to survive. Like MiMi said do everything for your welfare for you own good.

Business venture sounds good. However, if it is going to put you further into debt..is the risk worth it? Or, is it going to put you even further down the hole...much to consider.

Good Luck and know that I care too and am thinking of you.

Hugs
Cindi

Hi Maria, Judy, Marylynne, Donna, Sha, welcome zzme and ylwdog3:

It feels so good to have someone to go at the end of the day to people who can empathize and understand.
Maria glad you have things under control. We are here for you whenever you need.
zzme, thanks for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I do appreciate your care and wanting to help. I also feel I must say (and this is me) that perhaps you are so impassioned by your knowledge and experience that your message is coming out a bit strong at times sometimes that could work against people hearing you.
Sha, it must be especially difficult to take care of a mother that you do not like. I kind of know how that is myself. You seem to feel very strong about it at least right now. I do counseling would help big time. Not so much would they teach you how to stop hating Mother...that would be something you might decide to do while undergoing counseling. They would help you with skills and how to handle your emotions..etc. I hope you try it. I only know it has helped me.
Marylynne, sorry to hear about your Mother-in-law being placed in a nursing home. I can only imagine how you must feel...maybe some guilt and regret. I feel for your husband as well. You are doing your best. Also, our parents will not say to us "oh okay we realize we are stressing you and you have no life so why don't you stop taking care of us"...they know this but they want to be helped so they will not choose us over them are you kidding...especially not our mom's who are both self centered. The world revolves around them so they thing and need it to be. Might as well give up on that fantasy of them choosing our needs over theirs won't happen. If anyone is going to stand up it will have to be us for ourselves.
This is our lesson to learn, I believe.
Judy, I am glad your father is out of CCU and had a good BM...life is so much better after a good BM for your Dad (smiles). He still isn't out of the woods it seems. Glad he told you he needs you and you told him how you are there for him the best way you can be but have other responsibilities too. You are taking good care of yourself and dad and hubby. I know that dad is 95 and no matter what age HE is your dad and you want him here as long as he can be here. I think people forget sometime and really should keep that thought to themselves. They wouldn't want to hear that either. Hang in there Judy and enjoy dad as much as you can. He is a nice dad.
Donna tie a knot and hang in there. Even though it is very very difficult. You take good care of your mom and are so patient with her toileting problems. Your mother knows you do good by her no matter what she says or does not say, you can rest assured of what you do and have done.

As for me I am doing okay. Trying to catch up on sleep always. I have sleep apnea and sleep with a machine but many times I cant stand to wear it. Also have insomnia lately due to stress and menopause I think. Hope tonight is a good sleep night. Busy week something everyday. Today took dad mom sister to the hematologist/oncologist. She said dad's multiple myeloma is about the same as a few months ago but dad is declining. She said she gives him 1 to 2 more years if myeloma is left untreated. We willl talk amongst ourselves but are leaning to giving him better quality of life instead of longer life but with bad quality. We are probably going to keep him comfortable and not treat it. She was talking about getting help in the home. Made me think and kind of freak..how will I handle dad's dying and declining at home and taking care of him til the end? Mom will not be able to live in this house if he dies here..she is supertitious and scared of ghosts etc. I am already stressed how will I do more then I already do? The doctor made it seem that I could do it. Worried. Don't know how I will fare or if I can do it.
Daughter is coming home next week for 1 day and two nights on her way to a wedding. Looking forward to seeing her but more stress. Also she is coming with her male friend who will sleep on the sofa. I don't like her bringing him and having to host him to sleep here. But it is his cousin that is getting married and he is having Jenna go with him. His mother even paid for an extra hotel room just for Jenna. Her friend, Daniel and his brother are in one room, parents in another. Daughter is vegetarian so that means separate menu too. I took a mini day away...but worked here alot too. I am so tired.

Take care and big hugs
Cindi

dear donna, thank you for every thing you said it just makes me happy to know that somebody cares. My husband repairs big electric transformers . our gov wants all transformers (The kind you see fenced off in your town) to be filled with envromentally friendly oil right now the vast majority are filled with mineral oil this new oil is made from vegatable oil so the trans formers run more effenciant good for the envro. and makes the transformer last longer. there are only a few comapnys that do this in the us maybe under 10 .he would get the work from the company he works for now they know he is excellant at his job. so the is a unlimited amount of work. it is going to cost us about maybe 10,000 to 50,000 to start . I asked my husband what he thought was a reasonable income say after the first 3 years he said how to say but no less than 300,000 just think of all the people i could help with that kinda money. i could take every one on this sight to a day spa and also pay for the old people sitter. that would be so much fun . i could help so many poples in so many different way. i have no doubt about his ability to do this . i know the work is there ohh also the power company insurance companys want the oil thing changed and are going to washington to make this change mandatory. so thats good. its just the start up that im working on now . one more thing on my plate seems every thing is hinged on every thing else. problem with that is when every thing is connected like that every thing comes crashing down . donna i wont really try to get hit by a mack truck well maybe i wil think about it when im driving my dad to church. haha what do they call that collateral damage. just kidding . just good to know that i can say these stupid things and every body here know were just kidding to relieve stress. hope every one is having a peacefull day i know its too much to hopefor so just a quit day is good enough. all my love mia

Miak, I have felt just the way you have felt many times. I wanted to run off the road hoping no one would find me, or just plane run away, I'm too chicken to find a gun, and I wouldn't want my grand children to remember me that way. Grandchildren, that's what brings me back each time. I am only 51 and have beautiful grand babies. I see them sometimes(not enough) though. My mom is the onle who drives me insane. she is mean verbally and demanding. We, my husband and I live with and she just rules! But she can't see and thinks her s@#$#@ don't stink. I am the only daughter and she wishes she had more girls so they could wait on her. So yes I know your pain. Find something that makes you happy. anything. Taking a walk, going outside and screaming, writing here, calling a friend. Just so you know, we are here and listening to you even if it is a repeat! Just type away. We'll fugure it out. Stay strong but not for anyone but yourself. YOU ARE WORTH IT! God bless you.

maria, how my heart aches for you and your bad situation. I care. is it time for you to have a family meeting with your siblings and try to work out a better arrangement? If not, do not let the need for money drive you to do something silly. You deserve better. and by the way, you are not a dirty stinking ass spic. you are a wonderful person to be taking care of that ungrateful old coot. I think if I had the choice, i would just move out and let his blood relatives worry about his well being. My mom is a witch too, but, at least she is aware of the fact that she had better keep her mouth in check, because i have already visited nursing homes and found her a place, if she doesnt like the way i do things. sorry about the house deal. Hope it works out for the best for you. what kind of business did your hubby start? WHATEEVER YOU DO, PLEASE DONT THINK OF RUNNING IN FRONT OF A TRUCK AGAIN. that would not solve anything, and, your children would be so hurt. love to you my dear friend. wish i could help more. Donna

sorry about the spelling i was typing so fast had to get every thing out of me this situtation is truly killing me or maybe my husband hes going to visit his parents at the end of this month i told him that maybe when he got back we would have a new address hes afraid to leave me and yet needs to visit his elderly parents they are also in there 70ds and if one more person tells me "we told you it was a bad idea " i did this so my husband could start his own business and fix our money problem maybe i should just move out but if i do that they willl just pay some one else to live here and thats about 1,000 a week then i think i would do it for that money . but then reality sets in and i remember how he treated me when i did pay it was terrible it gave him free reighn to treat me abusivly . help me help help please god somebody help me. mia

help i truly need some help there is no body else for me to talk to i need some tuff love and tuff answers, here goes i will spill my guts to you guys and hopefully you will give me some ideas how to fix mess i find my self in. I had aheuge fight with my dad the mother load of fights, i forgot to bing him his newspaper fri am my husband usually does it before work at 4 in the morning but that morn it wasnt there so i had to do it well with getting lunches made and every thing else i forgot. GOOD GOD you would have thought i forgot to i dont ever know what. wel after holding back my 100 percent mexican temper i let him have it i told him if i forgot the paper why didnt he get off his lazy fn ass and get it him self maybe some exercise would do him some good. he said where did you learn that kinda talk the muslim school i daid no i learned it from you then i said well i really learned it from my nother all those years listen to her tell me how much she hated you and called you a lying cheating bastard. i through the news paper next to him he called me a dirty ass spic i do you think that hurts me it doesnt becasue im you das he said he could change that i laught and said what i kdont see your german kids here taking care of you . he must have called me that about 4 time i said im not hte one who hasnt had a bath in 3 YEARS and that is the gods honest truth 3 years with no shower or bath he STINKS . this went on for about a good 10 minutes. it felt soo good i said every thing his kids wish they could say i alos told him he deserves every shitty thing hes getting because thats all hes ever given his kids . soo heres where th tuff love comes in. I have a house in a nother town about 30 minutes away but my daughter and her husban liver there and they dont pay there share of the mortgage its about 1900 a month and they are to pay 700 they moved in in june son in law was out of work in june due to a back injury and i understand that they finally payed me august rent sept 1 now here the thing i havent been able to make that payment since feb of this year i keep think well when i get help with the payment i can catch up but with the payment come in a little here a little ther if didnt help so needless to say the house is in forclosure i got the papers in july were filed in june so what do i do now i just told my husband to day that its in trouble. i didnt want to tell him because hes already having anxiety attacts due to living with my dad. i have 2 dogs and a rabbit 50 piguions . i have soo much on my shoulders i dont know how i make it though the day mostly i wnat to take agun and shot my self in the head.and end this HELL then i rember my kids and think there has to be some way out of this mess i dont want to kick my daught out of the house but they know when they moved in that we planned to sell it i know lit has to go im not sad about that i would rather live in a apartment some where with no worries about mortgages or ass hole ungrate full dads he was mad becasue i was lated picking him up from church he said i was 1/2 hour late it was more like 10 - 15 becasue i stopped to give some people directions becasued they were lost what a jerk its not like iwas sitting in the bar i was helping strangers its always about him hes the most selffish person on the planet or atleast in the same group and some the the parents of you guys i just cant take it anymore im at the end of my rope i trully spend most of my days think of ways i could die like ohh if i just pullled out in front of that truck maybe that would kill me. this is not normal and yes have been seeing some one for counsling it not helping. please ladies i wish i could talk to you in person i need some one who understand i feel so trapped and the noose is getting tighter around my neck. HELP ME mia

I was afraid I wouldn't be able to find you guys. The headings had changed. Hope you all are well and can find this site.

Hugs
Cindi

Bittersweet
Counseling help me a lot with the anger I had with my husband-it took a while but she told me I could not wait for someone to rescue me it was not going to happen- then I got real angery with her but after a frw days I realized she was right and started to think how I could help myself -at first it was insisting he go to adult day care then we decided to hire private aides which is possible for now by cutting down on other things and if he goes into nursing home for good they will take most of our savings anyway and I might get some relief now. Also since he is not nice to me I will not go out with him in public. Today he told me he could talk to me any way he wanted to and then a few min, later said he was going yo a special meeting at church tomarrow- if he goes I will not sit with him.

Judy, good for you! It doesn't matter how old our parents are, they are our parents and we love them. The dementia that my mom has, some people take it as forgetfulness. Well, it isn't, but as long as I know, I really don't care what other people think or say. Stand up Judy and be proud. You deserve it.

ZZME, thank you for trying to help some of us. I appreciate it but for now I have things in control. Maybe in the near future, who knows. One thing I know is that I would never put my mother in a nursing home. I know what happens in there, been there, done that. I might lose control with my mom sometimes but I'd rather face the challenges and bitch and moan on this format then to see her there. I love my mother very much and for me, and I say me, it would be a very cruel thing to put her somewhere where she won't be loved but looked at as somebody who is just taking space. Maria

Bittersweet,

No one can make you stop hating your mother....only you. You have to figure out why is it that you hate your mother so much. I, myself, had to conquer those same feelings. That hate is adding to your stress as well as your well-being. I have also learned that unhappiness with my life made me become a bitter and negative person. You need to talk to a counselor. Just through rambling, most times a counselor can pinpoint things that you may not have realized.

It's time for you to take a stand for you. Figure out what you want and where you want to be in life and challenge yourself. Try to do small things for others when you can. I have found that to help me to love more. Talking to you right now helps me.

Another thing that I have found to help is to focus on the present and future, despite the past. Dwelling on the past can keep you from arising to your future. So, you have to figure out where that hate stems from and let it go for a better you.

With love,
ZZME

ZZME, it's great that you are here to try to help us out. I've often thought of counseling for myself but I don't go because how in the world is someone going to tell me how to stop hating my mother? I've hated her since I was a child. I hate who she is, I hate what she does, I hate what she says, I hate how she treats people, I hate how she does things. I hate the sight of her, I hate hearing her voice. How does someone make me stop feeling that way? How do I make myself forget wanting to be free of her forever? HELP!
Love to all the girls, hope you are having a better day.
Love,
Sha

I've been reading some of your blogs shdyldy. Still trying to grasp your whole situation. If you don't mind, can you tell me a little bit. Does your mother receive Medicare or Medicaid. Is she receiving home health? has she been hospitalized or been to the ER for anything within the last 6 months? Are you her guardian or have durable power of attorney? These are just a few questions that might help me.

If anyone wants to give me a breakdown of their problems to see if I can help, let me know. I will be happy to see if there is anything I can do to help. And to those who question counseling as a means of coping....it does help. Sometimes you need to get everything out of your system...and even cry. Counselors are unbiased and most will do everything possible to help you through these difficulties.

For give me, I put the wrong name in my reply. I see that it was shdyldy131 that responded to me. I will get back to you. Sorry!!!

To Bittersweet.

Because I haven't read all of the blogs, I don't know all the disabilities or infirmities of aging that your parents have. But through my line of work, I have told others that nursing home, assisted living, or income based housing that provide home home health services are not bad options. I know we hate to look at these options, but right now with everyone struggling with finances, health issues, and stress, which is the precipitator of so many physical and mental problems, we are left with few choices. And believe me, I understand when family puts all responsibilities on one person.

Let me know what city and state, you live in and I will research information for you. I'm going to go back and read some of the blogs to see if I can determine your whole situation. I'm on and off the site due to my job responsibilities, so be patient with me getting back to you.

First off, I would like to say, Judy, so beautifully put. Glad your dad is doing better.

ylwdog3, I know just what you are saying. I talk to myself all day long, saying things like, I hope you die, etc. I wish God would just decide whether its me or them, because I can't handle their lives any more.

Today my husband had to put his mother in a nursing home due to alz. He felt so terribly awful when he got home, because when it was time for him to leave, she thought she was going with him. I know he must feel awful with my parents living with us and him and his brothers having to put their mother in a nursing home. I tried to be supportive, but how can you be when you have been taking care of someone for 20 years that should have been in a nursing home and you cannot offer your spouse the same care for his parent, because you can't handle any more?

All I know from this experience is one thing. If taking care of your parents make you resent them, why can't they see it and decide that their kid taking care of them is not the right thing to do. They should realize this. I know from taking care of my parents that my kids will never ruin their lives taking care of me. I just won't let it happen.

Donna, I don't get sick of hearing the same old thing, I laugh when you say stuff about the horrid witch. I was thinking today, when I am 63, my Mom will be 97. I am quite positive that she will still be alive and if she is, I hope I die before I reach that age.

I was talking to my mom the other morning and told her that this is not what I had wanted for my life. You think that she would understand and do something about it, instead she just says "that life". Well, that is not life. She says she took care of her mom for 35 years. She didn't. My grandmother stayed in her own house, alone, until she was 96 and only came over on the weekends. My mom did not drive, so she didn't have the daily grind of dr. appts. and pharmacy errands. How does this add up to being better than I. She says she did more than me and there was no one better than her.

I bow to the queen, because she will never believe that no one could be better than her. I often wonder if she read this blog, if she would just keel over and die. Maybe, I should let her read it.

Love to all,
Marylynne

Hi girls I've missed you all, first let me say that things are sorta looking up they are moving dad out of CCU and into a general room when one is available. They are taking him off coumadin his doses were low anyway and he has been on and off of it so they are just going to give him aspirin. Next they are going to start physical therapy. They drained out his left lung yesterday and he finally had a big BM so he feels better. He worries when i am not there and gets bored and depressed I told him i have things I have to do in the morning and I have to get dinner for the husband made, I told him I have two men I'm taking care of. So I usually get there by noon. He says I don't know how you do it.
The doctor also talked about hospice in the future, my husband's grandmother was in a hospice facility and they were wonderful. I hope the future isn't soon.
And if I hear one more person say well he is 95 I will give them a piece of my mind. 95 or not he is my Dad and no different to me then a newborn baby. And why is he still here because I am watching over him.
To all of you who are taking care of a family member they are surviving because of you, your dedication and devotion, determination and love plays a big part in their reason for still being here and I am fortunate to have one parent who realizes that very thing. And if you don't get a thank you, I am thanking you for them now. to all my friends oxoxoxox Judy

Hi to all my "old" friends and welcome to all my new ones. I have not written in a while but I do read every day.
I'll start off by telling you all that the biposy on my breast came out benign...Thank-You Jesus. And thank-you to all of you that had me in your prayers.
I have a UTI right now but that's small potatoes as far as I'm concerned.

Every day I read your horror stories and realise I don't have it so bad. The most thing I have in common is that fact that my mother can be such a bitch. But she is healthy and does a lot for herself. Dad is in a home and doesn't even know who we are anymore, and it's just so sad. My brothers are pretty useless so I sure know how you all feel that don't get any help from siblings. I'm not even asking them to do anything, just come over once in a while and visit with her, take her out for supper, have her over for dinner. Is it that much trouble? But they all figure, "she's with Sharon.....Sharon is taking care of things. Well, Sharon is sick of it. I'm sick of being the only one who gives a crap. Last week was the 60th anniversary of my parents being married and even though Dad is in a home, my mother feels entitled to celebrate and I kind of agree with her. So, good old Sharon sent her a nice card and took her out to dinner. Do you think just one of my useless brothers bothered to even call? Not a chance. I hate them too sometimes. What the Hell....I'm not an only child here. She's their mother too. But they don't want to be bothered. So on it goes. No doubt when my parents are gone, my brothers will be there with their hand out looking for their share of the Trust. I have a good mind to keep it. F them.
I know how Donna feels when she hears the walker. I hear the frigging radio and I say, "Oh God, it lives". She pisses me off on an almost daily basis. The other day I was going back and forth between rooms, getting my clothes ready for Vegas and she was in my way, so I asked her KINDLY if she could move. Know what she said? "You didn't ask the dog to move." And that's the stuff that goes up my ass.
God, give me strength.
Cindi, Donna, Judy, Maria, Marylynne, Austin and all of our new members, my heart goes out to you. You are stronger than you realise and I always say, "God never sleeps." He knows what you do and how hard it can be.
I'm praying for all of you and hoping you have a good day.
Love you all,
Sha

ylwdog, zz,, glad you are here. this must be the longest "blog" on the web. zz, i have gone to each agency that this state offers. i cannot get respite care, or daycare for this old witch. Sometimes, nearly all the time, i wish i could just die to get out of the hassle of life with her and my son. I have been taking care of someone ever since i was 17 yrs old, and now i am 63, soon be 64, and i want FREEDOM sometime in my life before i die. when i hear the creak, creak of that damned walker i just want to scream. i wish i didnt feel this way, but she has pushed me to it. maybe it is just me, i dont know, but do know that like ylw and marylynne, and cindi, and Judy, i just dont like her anymore. Austin, hope you are doing ok, and judy, hope to hear from you on dad's condition soon. Cathy, where have you gone. hope you have found peace with your dad's situation. i may not write for a while, since i seem to say the same thing over and over, so tired, so frustrated. love you girls, donna