Advice on how to deal with live-in mother?

Marylynne, I am wondering after reading your post where your mother was when dad was screaming for help for 2 hours. I mean if that was the case or in any case shouldn't your mom wake up and then get you if they needed you? Do the nursing homes take them while you get a break...or is it permanent? I don't know of any such thing here. If you go in you are there as a permanent patient.
Good Morning to all my caregiver friends here...heavy hearted today. Mom and my sister got into a bad argument yesterday when they went out to lunch so mother is in a bad place and of course that means it is harder on me. She tried to take it out on me...she tried to make me upset at what my sister said about me (and it worked). She keeps spewing bits of conversation they had yesterday. I told her not to take it out on me because she is upset at sister. Mother told me she wants to move out. Asked me if I would take care of her still if she does. I answered yes, I would...who else would do it? She complained about my husband. Said this way she wouldn't have to see his face. She doesn't like the way he acts. She doesn't think he likes her and she doesn't feel welcomed just tolerated. Told her that I had said before if it doesn't work it is because of her and how much she will put up with, accept, cope etc. I am going to have another talk with husband because he could be nicer. I think my difficulties and venting to my husband makes him have resentments..etc to Mother. HE has told me that she does not appreciate me enough. I need him to just listen and treat her normal. Told him I will be upset if mom moves out because of him. He could work harder on things as could she. Doesn't feel good caught between them both. My family has problems. Mostly, mom and sister are the main problem. They won't be speaking now for awhile. Mother told sister that her diamond engagement ring is worthless and not that great and that she could buy one for herself if she wanted. Great family, huh? This was after siser continuously bragged to my mother about her doctor bf and her ring and how pretty she is..I tell you what a drama. My sister suffers from poor self esteem so she inflates herself to my mom who has issues toward my sister because she let her leave with her for 38 years and paid all her bills etc...and now daughter won't help mother out financially or in any way. How and why was I born into this? Feeling overwhelmed and stressed. Lots going on with friends too...When I get overwhelmed first thing I want to do is get away..second is eat..guess what I am doing right now??....
Try to have a pleasant day and don't let the parents get you down...

Love and Hugs
Cindi

Hello everyone, it's so nice to be able to come here and read your posts. It helps me tremendously just to know that I'm not alone. As you all know, some days are harder than others and there is no solution. I hear the same exact comments from my mom over and over and over, week after week, year after year. Nothing ever changes. I can remember a time when she was light-hearted, and somewhat fun to be around. But that seems like another lifetime. The only thing I will remember about my mom is her negativity, doom and gloom, her disappointment in me as a daughter, and how nothing is ever good.

I get so tired of being asked the same questions every week. 52 weeks out of the year. And I give her the same answers all the time. She can't hear, and everything I say, I have to repeat. Or she hears something that doesn't even pertain to what I was talking about.

I haven't mentioned anything to you about my husband. He's a good man overall. He's been good to me and tried to make me happy. But there is a big age difference. He's 20 years older than I am (68-48) and he also has turned into a very negative person. So I'm getting it double-barrel. I try very hard to keep a positive mindset for myself, but when there is no one around you to share a smile - it gets so hard. I'm a quiet person, I don't talk much. (Doesn't do any good to talk, neither of them can hear me). My husband is one of those people who you try to avoid because he never shuts up. Sometimes I feel like screaming because the tone of his voice never stops. He's one of those garage mechanics, that stays dirty all the time and looks like he just crawled out of a grease pit. He's a BS-er, he tells long, fabricated stories that are nothing but a bunch of BS. He doesn't have any teeth and honestly, he looks about 90 years old.

I'm deserve better than this, but I can't just walk away. I feel so alone. I'm sorry, I just needed to vent. I've got tears streaming down my face while I'm writing this. I know this is not what our discussions are about. But I feel close to all of you and just needed someone to talk too. Love you all... Shari

Ladies, all I can say is that I wish I had found you sooner. I am 35 years old with a husband and 5 year old, very active son, caring for my 75 year old mother who is THE most stubborn and hateful person on the planet. She has OCD, dementia, osteoporosis, a chemical imbalance in her brain (aka, crazy), and she is the center of the universe. By the way, I was always told I was adopted because my parents could not have children, but am now convinced after these posts, that my mother biologically birthed at least 4 of you, then gave you up and adopted me. 'Cause ya'll are just like me. And honestly, that's sad for you and good for me because I thought I was the only one on the verge of losing my mind with this woman in my house 24/7 when, had you asked me a year ago, I'd have told you I couldn't live with her for a week. Well, I'm still alive, 7 1/2 months later, but not by much.

I thank each of you for your honesty and courage to share your true feelings on this board. Reading them, realizing I am not alone, realizing it is not just something I am doing wrong by not pleasing the woman who cannot be pleased, has been a very comforting experience for me. Although, I hate that you are all going through the same thing as I. By the way, someone mentioned being so bad off they’re in need of the crazy farm. I’ve had that thought many times and decided, that’s not such a bad idea. Someone else cooks, cleans, I get to take care of me. Send me there!!! Please? No really, PLEASE!

shari, glad to see you here again. Rhonda, i can relate, really. and i want to go with you to the funny farm. i am qualified. cindi, quit eating, you know it is just hurting u. I pray that you can have the surgery and get all pretty, and not have such inferior feelings about yourself, because you are a beautiful lady. My mom does some of this negative crap (talking to my son about me, then he comes to me and tells me what she says, and then he says, tell granny not to say bad things about you to me you are my mom, and i love you.)
Feel like i am on a merry go round that wont stop. i can wave to the real life as i pass by, but can never get off this horrible ride. Yes, shari, you do deserve better. honey you deserve a lot better, you have earned it. we all have. I am in awe of the girls who have not only a bitchy mom, but a sick dad to also take care of. I know i could not do it.
Mom has given me the cold treatment all day, and when she does speak to me, it is something hateful. She will not use her walker or cane and goes outside and yesterday, she fell down outside, but did not tell me until today, when i gave her her bath and she had bruises all over. then she told me that she fell down and had to crawl over to the steps to get up. She knew i would have no sympathy because i tell her over and over to at least take the cane when she goes outside. It is exactly like having children again who will not listen. Marylynne, you and i need a break soon. i mean real soon. or we are the ones who are going to suffer, not these people who we are spending our life taking care of. Why didnt your mom give dad some mylanta? How horribly mean of her. you are right, nursing homes may be the answer. In our state, however, nursing homes are expensive, and my mom doesnt have that much income. The lady told me that if she went to a nursing home the state would pay, but, the sale of her house had to be done at least 1 year prior to the admittance, so, i am stuck. If i do try to put her in one, the lady told me that i would have to pay, or give up the house to the state. and still make the payments on it. So, i am stuck til next november. Oh lord, i hope i live that long. love, donna

Dear Lovely, Lovely girls, OH how I love you all.

By the way, Mom didn't get up with dad because her room is on the other side of the house, Dad has a makeshift garage apartment. Very nice. After mom takes her night meds she couldn't hear an explosion. Can't sleep with dad because of him being paralyzed. He sleeps kind of cross ways on the bed. Anyway, if she would have heard them, he called her a bastard and they would have start fighting and woke up the whole house. Today I told my dad, because he says I'm always pissed off, Why wouldn't I be. I said where and what were you doing at my age? Were you taking care of your mother and father at the same time. He complained if my grandma just visited. I told him if he kept up his crap that I would put him in a home until the addition is built on my house.

Anyway, I will get off of me and go to ya'll. Cindi, I feel for you babe. If my mom has a fight with one of my brother, I get the bad end of it. My husband just tolerates my mother also, and it is because of how she treats me. But, truthfully, he never liked her to begin with. I tell him to let me handle all conversations with her and just to answer her when she speaks to him. He is never polite to her.

Donna, Nursing homes are very expensive here also. My mom was smart enough to take a long term care policy out years ago, which is almost completely used up. The nursing homes here will take them for one month of respite care if you have a long term care policy or can pay it yourself. She does have probably just enough to put him in for one month and she could go stay with one of my brothers. But, can tell you that will never happen. Dad will pitch such a fit that she will give in. I really have no rights over what they do, except to throw them out. Which you know I'm not going to do that. I'm with you I just want to live long enough to enjoy some kind of life of my own. I Had an ex-friend, and the reason she is my ex-friend is because she told me that she don't think I know how to do anything but take care of old people and clean house. She told me to get rid of them and find out what I would be good at. Although she was right, it was the way she said it that hurt me.

For all you new girls, welcome and thiis is the only thing that keeps me going, to know someone else is out there. MY TRUE ANSWER IS, "THERE IS NO ANSWER".

I pray for all of us to have an answer.

I love you girls, Marylynne

Glad to see that we can show some support to others. Caregivers are wide spread and I believe now we need to get the word out somehow. You never see this topic on any of the talk shows on tv. I believe a late night news station had something but we are all to tired to watch a night program.
We should all write to Oprah and let her know our position and what many others are dealing with I'm getting very close to doing so.
The ceremony for my son went fine. My Aunt was mad at my mom because she didn't go out of her way to get dressed up or look a bit better for her Grandson. She also didn't move at all after she got there. My guest from Florida waited on them because I was to involved with the party. She should have waited on my guest.
Therapy is going well but now I think I am going to have to take Dad to a ciropracter. He's complaining about his lower back. Took him to an ear,nose,and throat dr. and he pulled out chunks of wax out of his ears. Told us because of the meds he's on he's not getting enough water to reduce the mucus in his throat. What could help is against the other drs. orders. If its not one thing its another.
Still trying to get mom to walk. Why go shopping if you have nothing to buy that seems the only way she is going to walk. The agedcare editor recommended physical therapy and to ask the dr. if that is possible. I looked online for a dual action bike the dr. wants her to get. My mother thinks computers are EVIL. I found one so I will have to take her to look at it.
All our troubles go round and round. Keep talking girls as long as it helps. oxoxo Judy

Judy, I think you're right. I think Cindi and you are very well versed. Maybe an e-mail to Oprah to see if she would take on this really big sandwich generation problem. The thing Cindi wrote a while back about being free and roaming the halls at night knowing her parents were taken care of is just the ticket for this conversation. Hang tight girls, Have cardiologist appoints for four of us today, all at one time, including me and my daughter, who was now diagnosed with a heart murmur.

Love, Marylynne

Got home from shopping and started dinner and mom desides to tell me about my vacuum cleaner that my husband put on top of hers in the closet which is not normal. I said he probably did it because we had company coming and he got it out of the way. Mother I have more important things to worry about then where the vacuum is. Don't they pick the most frivilous things to bring up and arguement about? Then it leads to we should have got a condo and my son's driving and money and Dad what does that have to do with THE VACUUM ????? I changed the topic to how she needs to make a change if SHE IS NOT HAPPY.
I am not changing a thing. She has lost who she is and I told her by golly that I am not going to get to the point where I sit on the couch all day. You shouldn't have to change when you get married you should still be able to have and do the things you enjoy with or without hubby. She became to dependant on doing things with him and now she feels stuck. Complaining one more day is not going to solve anything. Thank GOD the doorbell rang. Jusy venting Judy

Hi Girls:
Busy day here and I am exhausted. Normal Dadcare, Momcare, grocery store, shower shampoo shine and out to my girlfriend's daughter's graduation from costmetology school, out to lunch with their family and few of daughters friends, race home, get the parents into the car cause mom has an appt with her internist who is an hour away. Back home drop them off with hubby, and then off I go to a compassionate friends meeting (for people who have lost their child) then out for a solitary chinese dinner at 9:15 pm then to grocery store, home, another bath to relax and now here...whew...takes a breath! Mom actually made dinner tonight so I didn't have to cook. She also watched dad for me and even fed him his premade lunch (she had to warm it up in microwave it was already plated) while I went to the graduation and lunch. She didn't want me spending money on caregiver for just a few hours she said. So, she was pretty nice today. Oh except for the part when I got home and she complained to me about spending money on other people for graduations, birthday etc...and going to these things, how she thinks it is stupid...and she was poking me saying well you were in a hurry did you make it to the graduation? Was it nice? Whose birthday is it tomorrow? Seeing that you worry about everybody..just tried to tune her out and change subject. Everytime I go to those parent meetings I am emotional wiped out. I feel all of the other parents pain when they share what is going on with them..and I feel my own. I don't go too often maybe once a month at most. But, my son's birthday is coming up at the end of the month and I felt I needed support. This was the last meeting of the month.
Judy I think they like to make a big deal about nothing cause there isn't very much in their lives to make a fuss about. Judy you are doing a good job by your parents as we all are...you been busy. What were you celebrating for son...I missed that part. Too bad mom is so depressed that she just sits there and is waited on...
Marylynne..hope theh cardiology appt went well. Gosh all four of you?! I agree with judy and marylynne lets go on Oprah!!!! Gonna do some reading. Tomorrow is Physical therapy for mom, and I have curves in the am...ugh

Well, today topped it all. I woke up with one of my migraines, tried to take it slow all day (didn't have to work tonight - I'm a security guard 4 nights a week from 4pm to midnight) and about 1 pm, Mama says she wanted to take a ride to the mountains in the state next to ours. OK.
So we take off, she had me drive her car and we had darling Valentine (my Boston Terrier) with us, and Mama was sitting in the front passenger seat, quiet and fine from our home to the border. Then she started her weird talk (English words, incomprehensible sentences) and as we drove on, she started punching me in the right shoulder. The first few punches I was able to hold the steering wheel. The next one I almost went front-end into the on-coming car. Twice, I pulled over and told her to get a grip on her temper and NOT hit the driver of a car or we'd have a crash.
We finally arrived in the town that was our destination and I pulled over, and suddenly she got out of the car (without aid of her cane) and with purse and map in hand stood at the edge of the small winding country road, and each time a car went by, cried out "Help help". I just sat in the car, figuring she would calm down and we would just go home.
To my extreme embarrassment, a couple in a van pulled over, and tried to talk to her. I hopped out of the car, and said something like, sorry to bother you, she is just having a temper tantrum. Mama got back into her car.
By the hand of God, there was the local fire dept about half a block away, and I found a man there, who got on the radio and got me a couple of EMT's, an ambulance, and a state policeman. (By now, our hometown police and EMT's are quite used to her behavior, but I was mortified to have people who didn't know us see her tantrum.) One of the EMT's discovered Mama's blood pressure was very high (later found out 212 over 150! way past stroke!) so they took her in ambulance to hospital in the nearest city. (I had to find a parking spot in the shade for Valentine) then went in to give them the necessary info and my copy of her medical insurance card. Then wait and wait.
Finally they escorted me into ER to see her - I got the "evil eye" several times from Mama and the doctor tried to discuss her case right there. I motioned him to step out and we talked in private. I gave him the full story and even the beatings this week (starting with the punch in my left eye on Sunday afternoon 3 hours before I had to go to work)
He said they were going to run tons of tests. Then we had to see about transporting her back to the city nearest our home (I was adamant that I was not taking her in the car, as I can't drive while being punched.)
Went out of building, walked Valentine, waited, called my father tons of times, etc. About 7:30 pm, I had to leave a message for the doctor and drive to a store that sold dog food (Valentine has epilepsy - I didn't have a pill for her with me, but she hadn't eaten since 8 am) and water, plus snacks for me.
Got back to hospital - They had done all tests except CT scan. They had me go in again. This time I got the evil eye, screaming, demand that she talk to my father (which we arranged, and it was a wonder he didn't need a pacemaker tonight! he has serious cardiac problems.) and then she became violent and I fled and could still hear her across the ER etc.
Doctor took me aside. Finally I was able to hear a doctor say in plain English "She has (progressive) Dementia". (Mark this day on the calendar!) Next step - he called Memorial Hospital in the city nearest our home, to get her there. They suggested Samaritan Hospital (has a geriatric psych ward). Samaritan told him they had no beds and dementia is "out of their purview"! (Later, my father told me one of the former actresses from his theater group has dementia, and lives in the dementia nursing home across from Samaritan and owned by Samaritan!!) He offered to keep Mama in his hospital or try Memorial again. I thanked him for all his work, but said it was better she was nearer home.
By 9 pm I signed the last paper, reassured Valentine and started driving down the long winding mountain roads in the dark to get home (everything looks so different in the dark).
10:30 pm -Got home, put Mama's car in garage, gave Valentine her pill, fed cat, took quick shower and clean clothes and jumped in my car and flew to Memorial. My father got there first. As I came into the ER and her cubicle, I get the evil eye again, and gave her the same speech as in the previous hospital about "you almost had a stroke today, got to get your temper under control, your blood pressure shot up too high, etc"
It had been decided that Memorial would keep her overnight. Tom'r (later today) the serious stuff of where she goes from here has to be decided. Doctor was saying "Nursing home" - I cant' afford it on $9.50/hour, and don't know if medical insurance covers it. The worst part is the deed to Mama's house is in her name, I have her Will that if she dies I get the house, but if it needs to be sold to pay nursing home, is she competent to sign? The words "conservatorship" and "Durable power of atty" etc have been thrown at me - have to come up with price of lawyer to do any of this.

So here I am.
Peg

Dear Friends,
Peg, it sounds horrible. I am so sorry that you have had all this trouble, but sounds as tho they may solve it for you. I hope that they can without taking your house, but if not, maybe being away from the abuse may be worth it. My heart goes out to u, wish i could help.
Cindi, my mom says the exact same things to me when i go to a shower, graduation or something like that. she says well you always buy for someone else, you need to save your money, you blow it like water. now she is griping about my bf, making smart remarks. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr wish i could just leave her and go somewhere away. she is such a smart aleck, i dont know how she has lived this long without someone whipping her butt. It is all i can do sometimes to keep from just shaking her or hitting her. Omg. i just read what i wrote, and i hate myself for even thinking of that. Just my thoughts. I really am not that kind of person, but am being pushed toward it all the time with her mouth. wish she would hit me or something rather than run her mouth all the time with her holier than thou crap. No one i know is good enough for her. she is a snob of the worst kind. i dont even like her. I do need help. i need a counselor of some kind, but if i went she would be mad at me for going. Next week i think i will take a trip on the truck with my friend, she can stay here and my son can watch after her and her hatefulness. love, donna

peg, that trip, however horrible, sounds like it was the best thing that could have happened for you. I wish you all the best and when I have more time will write what I know from seeing attorneys in New Orleans.

Love, Marylynne

Peg, What a situation to be in and not even at home, you are a strong person. Yes you need a power of attorney and you need to get your name on some things like bank accts etc. I think about my mom having a heart attack in the car or in a store.
I more or less ordered my mom to walk when we got home from Dad's therapy. I told her mow go to each end of the block there is noone on the sidewalk, so she took her walker and tried to cut the walk short but I said "NO, go to the end " and she did. Dad and I clapped for her when she got back to the driveway, good job you can do it if you try!!!! Like talking to a 3 yr. old
Donna, my mom hates it that my husband and I go bowling every other Sunday, or when I go shopping with my cousin, if she's not able too why should I get too.
Cindi, my son made eagle scout the highest rank in boyscouts, he has been in scouting since he was 6 yrs. old.
Take care all of you girls oxoxox Judy

hi gals, another wonderful day with mommy dearest. went to walmart, she got lost in store, then had to go to the bathroom, which was in the far corner of the store from where she was. She didnt make it in time and messed all over herself. I had to try to clean her up, and clean up the restroom, then check out and get her home so i could clean her up again. This happens most every time i take her out. We went past my bf's house and she said,"is that where old thing lives?" This kind of comments makes me so upset. Then, she hurt my only nephews feelings by talking to him, about him. Saying how he had caused his dad's death by being spoiled and his father worked himself to death, because of my nephew and his mom. That is just not right. My brother did his job, because it was his choice. He was a nurturing person and thought the world of his son and his wife, and wanted to give them everything he could. My poor nephew left in tears, feeling guilty that he had caused his own fathers death. This woman is just downright mean.
ok thru venting. Judy, proud of your boy too. Eagle scout is quite an honor. Glad you got your mom to walk. Take her to the local wal mart supercenter, and she may enjoy walking there.
I did send a letter to oprah.com, stating our situations, and asking if it were possible to have a show done on 24/7 family caregivers. I invited them to view our comments on here too. Hope that it will get some action.
Peg, still thinking about you hon. Hope the day has gone well for you, at least you are free from your mom for a while anyway. Maybe she can be admitted somewhere and you can at least take a breath. Cindi and marylynne, i know you have both had trying days, as we always do, you are all in my prayers. love, donna

Judy, Great Eagle Scout, Man what an accomplishment.

Donna, I would probably have vomited from cleaning up such a mess. Today had a bad day had to keep a halter monitor on me for my fast beating heart. Doc told me to take no nerve pills today. I cried all day and bit everyone's head off. I hope Oprah takes a look at this. Can you imagine if our Mom's found out all the stuff we say about them. If she really considers it, she can use our user names, unless....we get to go on the show. Ha! Ha!. My mother would die and never talk to me again. But, then again, thats not a bad idea. No, I really don't want to hurt anyone.

Love you girls,

Marylynne

If it would help any one marylynne, i would be happy to be on the show, and would tell my mother about it.. she has been in left field ever since we came home from walmart. talking about stuff that happened years ago, wanting to know where the family is. what family? her brothers and sisters, and when they were small too. asking me about who lives in my aunties house, and she has known that no one has lived there since my auntie passed away. her mind is going fast, but then, mine is too. she didnt forget however, when the phone rang, she had to put a book up in the bookcase in the hall by my bedroom door, so she could listen to me talk. my sister in law came by for one of her weekly 30 minute visits, and she commented on how far out granny was. hahahahha if she only knew the half of it. well, my man called, in new mexico, but will keep those 18 wheels rolling til he gets home, probably in the wee hours. love all of ya, donna

Dear Donna,

Keep that good 18 wheelin good man of yours. He sounds very kind hearted and sweet. Anyone who could be nice to a mother like yours, besides yourself, is well worth having. Who cares if she likes him.

Years ago, my mother, use to come by my house to sleep when my dad was in the hospital. When she came, my husband wouldn't pay her the time of day. My husband gave me lots of trouble back then. The few years since the Hurricane, my husband has had issues with both of his parents health. His father passed away from congestive heart failure and his mother now has alzheimers. He and his four brother take turns trying to keep her out of a nursing home, so I think he has come to understand the burden I have had for 20 years and thanks God his has only be a few years. He has become a kind and understanding man when it comes to my problems with my parents.

Today, was banking day. Well, my mom counts the money in her little wallet 10 times and still doesn't remember the amount. When we get the the bank, she asks me to write a check for $75 dollars. When I get the money she said I didn't say I wanted that amount. When I remind her for the 100th time that she wanted that, my voice starts to rise and then she gets angry that i was ugly with her. I have my 12 year old in the car who is complaining about the way the girls at her new school acts like upity bitches. She was from a quiet little town with down home people, now she goes to school with little uptown snoots. She can't stand it and I can't wait to move where she can be with down home people again. I just want to scream and then my mom says its my child aggravating me when it is her. I bite my lip and shut up knowing, she will never understand anyway, and it will do me no good to complain. Except to ya'll.

Let's have a contest. I can't wait to hear from the first person out of all of us, to have an absolutely lovely day. Sounds like Peg's freedom could be right around the corner. What a horrible way to have to end things. But, this may be just the ticket to set her freedom in motion.

I know I'm rambling, I just feel so nervous, that I'm venting too much, sorry.

Love and Kisses to all of you,

Marylynne

Dear Girls, Sorry to post again so soon, but feeling very sentimental tonite. I just want to let ya'll know that I truly love ya'll. I think I found you right at the point where I was going to break, and ya'll saved me. I went back and read each and every posting from the beginning, and yes its true, that Donna, Cindi, Judy and I are the most alike. Ya'll have meant so much to me in the few weeks that I have been on the site that I just wanted to thank you for being there for me.

LOVE YA'LL,

Marylynne

I read a quotation once that read something like this, "someone watching two people involved in an argument won't know which one is the fool". WEll, this has helped me to keep my mouth shut when it's obvious that mama is having one of her episodes. I learned the hard way to just agree with her. It's much easier and I'm the only one who knows that she doesn't know what she's talking about or that it doesn't make sense. It doesn't cost me a thing and she feels better about her self...being right all the time. Explain the dis-ease to your children so that they won't build up resentment against the grandparent because inevitably, we teach them how to treat us should our parents walk become ours.

Don't take it personally. I have often thought of contacting oprah about doing a show about caregivers and their parents. I have evern thought of using a hidden camera to capture my mom's behavior but she is not as bad as she used to be because I have changed my reaction and my attitude.

I thought my situation was bad untill I read some of yours. wow!!!
Read THE POWER OF NOW or A NEW EARTH, both by Eckhart Tolle or go to Youtube.com and watch the webcast. They might help you maintain your sanity.

Social Service has a program that pays for mom to go to Adult Day Care twice a week and I pay for one day a week to maintain my sanity. It's worth the $50.00.

GOOD MORNING MY DEAR FRIENDS,
YES, MARYLYNNE, I FEEL THAT THE SITE AND U, JUDY, CINDI, AND ALL THE OTHERS HAVE HELPED ME TREMENDOUSLY ALSO.
LZYDZYMAE, I ONLY WISH THERE WERE RESOURCES HERE THAT YOU HAVE, BUT I LIVE IN A SMALL TOWN, AND THE NEAREST LARGE TOWN IS 40 MILES AWAY. I HAVE EXHAUSTED THE AVENUES HERE TO FIND DAY CARE. I AGREE AND MOST OF THE TIME WHEN MY MOM IS TALKING ABOUT STUFF THATMAKES NO SENSE, I JUST AGREE WITH HER, BUT SOMETIMES IT IS JUST BEYOND MY ABILITY WHEN IT IS SO FAR OUT. YESTERDAY WAS TRYING, HOPE TODAY WILL BE BETTER. HAVE TO GO TO A PROMENADE FOR MY GRANDDAUGHTER THIS EVENING, AND SHE WANTS TO GO. I DREAD IT, AS I WILL HAVE TO HELP HER, AND CARRY LAWN CHAIRS, AND FIND A CLOSE PARKING SPOT. THERE WILL BE NOONE TO HELP WITH THIS STUFF, AND I WILL BE LOADING AND UNLOADING THE DANGED THREE WHEELED WALKER AND LOADING IT. I ASKED MY SISTER IN LAW IF SHE WOULD GO WITH US, BUT SHE DECLINED. (OF COURSE) THOUGHT I MAY GET A LITTLE SUPPORT THERE, BUT NO SUCH LUCK
MARYLYNNE, MONEY IS AN ISSUE WITH MY MOM TOO. SHE WANTS SOME, THEN SHE LOSES IT AND SAYS THAT SHE THINKS SOMEONE TOOK IT OUT OF HER PURSE. I HAVE NO EARTHLY IDEA OF WHERE SHE PUTS IT, BUT FOUND 80 DOLLARS IN ONE SIDE OF HER PURSE THAT SHE HAD 'LOST', A MONTH OR SO AGO. MY YOUNGEST SON CALLED, SAID, MOM, IT IS MAKING YOU A NERVOUS WRECK, AND I AM AFRAID YOU ARE GOING TO GET SICK FROM THE STRESS YOU ARE UNDER, PLEASE PUT HER IN A NURSING HOME, FOR YOUR SAKE. HE DOESNT UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS MY MOM, AND I LOVE HER, THOUGH SOMETIMES IT LOOKS AS THO I DONT. ACTUALLY, IT IS A LOVE/HATE RELATIONSHIP. FIND MYSELF RAMBLING TOO MARYLYNNE, GUESS IT IS BECAUSE I TALK TO MY SELF SO MUCH OF THE TIME. WELL, SHE IS UP NOW, SO MUST CHECK AND SEE HOW THINGS ARE GOING TODAY. HUGS, DONNA

mlv, My mom wears thermal underwear, turtleneck shirts and caps year round. I don't care what anyone thinks about it. She's warm and I don't have to adjust the heat or air conditioner for her. If she complains I tell her it's warmer upstairs so that she'll go up and watch tv or to go outside and sit on the porch and work her puzzles. She usually wants the opposite to whatever I suggest. She doesn't like being alone and eventually follows me wherever I go in the house. She loves to fold clothes and to sweep the porches and brags to everyone that she keeps my house clean...far be it from me to disagree with her.

Dear Friends - You all are such a tower of strength to me! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
Yes, I know my freedom might be near at hand, but my emotions are going wild. Friday I went into the hospital to meet the social worker - and have never felt so devastated in my life. I have no legal rights now - the will for the house is no help. In our state there is no "conservatorship" - it is called "guardianship'. Have to go through all kinds of legal stuff to get it. My father has excellent insurance for both himself and Mama - but, get this, the insurance company can SHUT OFF the coverage for her current hospital room AT ANY TIME!
Then I have to pick EIGHT nursing homes - and the choices are limited because she has now been ruled by the psychiatrist as NOT competant and Alzheimers (second stage!) and the facility that takes her has to have an Alzheimers facility or a ward to control physical violence. and they might have to place her somewhere OVER 50 miles from home! This whole thing makes me sick!
I can't get her lawyer on the phone. My father has a friend who is an Estate lawyer and does some Elder law, and might be able to get me whatever I need to get into her checking account and pay her bills. Thankfully, two of her big bills are automatically paid, and of course, her social security is direct deposited.
However, my father and I don't want to break the law by having him write Mama's alimony checks to MY name, if it is against the law or might void the Legal Separation. And I won't be able to do anything with his next alimony check because the bank won't take it without an endorsement.
Then I have to write down all Mama's personal financial stuff so we can get her Medicaid. Have to have that for the nursing home, etc.

Meanwhile, Mama bit a nurse the first night and had to be moved out of her room and next to the nurse's station - so Friday when I saw her, she was so doped up that she was out like a light and head lolling back, mouth open, tongue hanging out. I was devastated! Today, she was fast asleep in a bed in a room, and I made sure the nurse talked to me in a lounge area so we wouldn't wake Mama up. Then they said she is not eating, and they try to get her to drink milk when she is awake enough to do so.

I have never felt such guilt in my life. My father, and my cousin (in another part of the state), both are relieved for me, they were both afraid she would kill me. Everyone seems to have seen how bad things have been for quite a while.

Valentine howled the first night outside Mama's bedroom. I calmed her. But since then she still doesn't act right. Valentine and I went down to the cemetary where my dear grandparents are buried and I "talked" to my grandmother while and cried a while. Valentine sat next to me on the grass.

It feels like Mama is dead already, yet she is still alive. If she knew what was happening (her brain is basically "rotting" inside her head) if would drive her crazy! Today I even (God forgive me) wished she had cancer instead - she would rather have parts of her body cut off than lose her mind!

I'll stop now - but PLEASE everyone - get a Power of Attorney signed by your parents BEFORE they have any problems with their brains. Or get your name added on their bank accounts so you can get to their money if you have to pay their bills for them.

love,
Peg

Hi Judy, Donna, Marylynne, Peg, Lzy and everyone else: Marylynne you are so sweet. I am so happy I found you and all my other caregiver friends here. It is so helpful to have somewhere to go to talk, vent, share and know that I am understood. I feel close to you. Donna hope the promenade turns out well and that you are not all exhausted, hope your Mother behaved. Don't you sometimes wonder how will it be for you when you are their age? Who will take care of you, care for you, bring your walker etc. Peg I am wondering how you are doing? Is mother still in nursing home? She so needs to be, Peg. Something needs to be don't know how it can go on like this. Lzy, welcome. Glad you have been able to adapt your attitude and reactions favorably with your Mother. I also, have done this and it helps a lot. Yet, I still have my difficult times. Husband and I took my parents to Chinatown. She hasn't been eating well and she wanted to get some food from there so we took her. She treated us to lunch. Then we took Mom to the Asian markets and she bought some groceries and things she likes. I take her about once a month and it is an hour away. I lost my temper once today and it was directed at my husband and mother. I think I am hormonal so not as patient. I swear I felt myself go from zero to a hundred on the temper monitor. Didn't say too much as far as mean words just said how I felt but I acted angry for sure. Very hard to be menopausal and taking care of parents. It started with my mother giving me a disgusted dirty look and went from there. Was going to go to a movie to get away tonight but was too tired. I usually have to get out when I am feeling overwhelmed like that. Felt bad tonight cause all our friends gathered together and we couldn't go and weren't invited. Felt left out. Husband got tickets to go to a car race from my brother. They are vip tickets and I guess are worth $250.00. He asked a few of the guys from this group if they wanted to go but they couldn't...last minute so one couldn't go and the other is going to Ireland on business the next morning early. So I am going to go with hubby. Hope I can do the walking. There will be lots of complimentary food there..yum, just up my avenue....hope I am good! Have to hire caregiver...my money will pay for it. I told Mom that we are going to go to the race about 9 am and she just made a face and said nothing. That didn't feel so good to me either. I am sensitive. Anyways, at least we are getting out. I took her all around yesterday so I think she should be pleased. Take care and God Bless you all and our parents too.

Cindi

Peg
I really feel for you. Can't imagine what you are going through right now. Do not feel guilty, though Peg. After all you have diligently taken care of your mother all this time through everything even when it was long past time for her to be put in a facility. I had wondered if your mother had altzheimers because it is not normal for her to hit you so violently like that. My Father has stage 5 altzheimers but if he hit me I wouldn't be able to take care of him. I know what you mean by how your mother already feels dead. When they medicate her like that and with the altzheimers they really are out of their heads. That is the way I feel about Dad. So whenever I see some semblance of life in him it makes me feel good. But essentially he is gone. Stares off to space to a place beyond here. You have nothing to feel guilty about. This is a natural progression of life. Not your fault mother has altzheimers and is violent. You could not go on like that. Although it is sad your mother is where she needs to be. Hope you find a good altzheimer facility. They are experts at how to handle your mother just get a good one. Even if it means 50 miles away. You will be okay. I imagine it must be real hard after taking care of her all this time, you probably don't know what to do with YOURSELF. You must feel lost. You are right about all that legal stuff. My brother handles that I know almost nothing about it but I guess I better learn. I know legally my dad is out of it. Think my mother has power of attorney. I will pray that you will be given strenght, courage and support as you go through this. Also, that your mother will be taken good care of til she passes. For I agree I hope something else takes me dad then the altzheimers. They say it is a horrible death. God Bless you and your mother, Peg.

Love
Cindi

Hi girls,, Sunday afternoon. the promenade went well. my granddaughter was, of course, the most gorgeous girl, with the most beautiful dress in the bunch!!!! i was able to find a close parking place, and a nice young man saw me struggling with the lawn chairs, the walker,, and my mom, and offered help. I was so happy, and glad to see that a teenager was so thoughtful and kind. There are good people still.
Cindi, hope you enjoy the race, sounds interesting. I do know what you mean about your temper getting the best of u, and i am not even menopausal anymore. some times i will have the same reactions, then go to my room and cry because i am getting to be a person that i do not like. I would like to be kind and patient and i find myself very opposite of that.
Peg, hon, please do not let yourself feel guilty for the things that you have no control over. Wont your bank accept a check with deposit only written on the back? mine will. Also, my brother had been on my moms checking account with her until his death, and the bank president told my mom to put my name on it with hers. Really dont know what good a power of attorney is. someone needs to tell me.
Mom is good today, i am happy to report. She watched me work in the yard for a while and sat on the porch. I put up hummingbird feeders and she is watching for the hummers. Sometimes she is the old mama, more times she is not tho.
Just checking in, hope all of you find some peace today. love, donna

Dear Peg, My heart goes out to you. You are a wonderful daughter and you have done the best that you could for as long as you could. If you have treated your mother the way you would want to be treated if you were she, let go of the guilt.You don't deserve it. It's all in your mind. You are forgiven every negative thought, every loss of temper, every act of impatience, every misunderstanding, every disagreement and everything else in between. Any mother would be proud to have a daughter like you. Don't give the negative emotion of guilt the power to control your life.

Peg, You have had it real hard. Things will work themselves out with the legal system stuff. And as for you not knowing what to do with yourself, I understand. My friends constantly ask me, after doing this for 20 years, what would you do if you didn't have them to take care of? The answer is, I DON'T KNOW!!!

Today took mom grocery shopping with me. She hates to go to the grocery, but won't stay home. Tell me girls, why do they insist on slowing us down. She forever, makes me leave wherever I am, because she either don't feel good or can't keep up. SO STAY HOME WHY DON'T YOU!!! She won't. She wants to take the ride.

I'm with you Donna, I know you had a wonderful promenade, but don't you just wish your mother would have stayed home. Luckily you found someone to help you. My daughter was in a festival contest and my mother and aunt came with me. Wound up having to carry 4 folding chairs for blocks on end. Then they both got overcome by the heat and had to get them to the car with the air condition and keep them drinking fluids till I could leave.

I am going to take whoevers advice it was, I can't remember, about agreeing with whatever they say. I think it does make them feel better, if I can only bite my tongue off!

Cindi, sounds like your day was good.

talk to ya'll later.

Marylynne

Ladies, I have a question to pose. I am 35, have a 5 year old son at home who will start school in the fall. My mother has been with us 7 1/2 months and it is bringing me so far down my antidepressants are not working anymore. Here's my question. My mother has been in nursing homes in the past and dreads returning. She is just like your mothers in that she always has some drama/catastrophe in her life and has to be the center of attention. Last week, I felt (as I have many times in the past 7 months) I couldn't take anymore. She actually argued 2 times with my 5 year old son! I was considered the unconsiderable. An assisted living facility. Then, the house three doors down went up for sale. The beauty of that is there is a second, detatched garage with a bathroom that could easily be converted to a mother in law suite. It's more money than my house, but she would be in the backyard and not under my feet and I could still cook/shop/clean for her. My 5 year old would have the same friends, same neighborhood, etc. What do ya'll think? If you had this option, would you do it?

P.S. My mother is 75 and has no chronic disease except dementia (which is controlled well with meds), osteoporosis, OCD, and some mental illness but she is still sharp as a tack. And, the additional house payment would be about the same as what the assisted living would cost. What would you do? Need some insight from others in my spot please.

Rhondak, I don't know if you read any of my postings, but I did just what you are thinking of doing. I bought another home and am in the process of building on an additional apartment to it. The only difference is, I have my mom and dad, so they will both have to stay in the attached apartment. My mom, like yours is 80, pretty healthy, has some mental problems, lots of drama every day, needs to be center of attention and loves to tell my 12 year old what to do and corrects her every chance she gets. She has fought with me so many times since she lives with me, I hide in my room and cry, like a child. I have had my parents for the last two years since Hurricane Katrina, but helped out with my dad 20 years. He is the really ill one.

As an answer to your question, this was the only answer for me, and am hoping with all my heart it is going to work. Can't give you the real answer, haven't tried it out yet. Is she willing to go into the garage apt. in back of the house or is she going to fight with you to stay in the house? My mom fought with me to stay a part of the household, but I told her I needed it for my sanity. The two of them were too much to wake up to in the morning. Still having lots of problems waking up to this bad situation every day and I can't take antidepressants because of a fast heartbeat. Hope I was some help, but really won't know till addition to the house is done.

Actually, am renting the house I have sold so that we can all move together when addition is finished. Figured that if I brought them into the house before it was finished, would have had a hard time getting them to go into their separate space.

I say do it. What do you have to lose.

Love, Marylynne